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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Balancing time between boyfriend’s house and ours

15 replies

Inastatus · 11/11/2021 09:03

My 17 year old DD has recently started seeing her 19 year old boyfriend. He is a lovely boy and I am very happy for them. He works and she is at college so because he finishes later in the week, she goes to his house which is about a 15 minute drive. Neither of them drive yet but both are learning so at the moment it’s me and DH giving lifts.

I have mentioned to DD that it would be nice if they spent some time at our house, perhaps at weekends when he has more time. It would be nice to see a bit more of him and get to know him better. I was keen to mention this now whilst their relationship is quite new as I don’t want it to become the norm for her to spend all her time at his. He is close to his family (as DD is to us) and he is obviously in his comfort zone with her (us) making the effort to go to his house. I feel he should be making a bit more effort to see her at ours sometimes and I also want him to feel comfortable at our house.

DD has acknowledged what I’ve said and has said she will ask him round ours this weekend. Now I’m feeling guilty for interfering and wondering if it’s because I’m also a bit jealous that she’s round at his hanging out with his parents (who I know and they are lovely) instead of us? I haven’t admitted that to her or anyone irl. Do you think it’s wrong for me to mention this to DD and I should just step back completely? It’s DD’s first serious boyfriend so new territory.

Any advice?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 11/11/2021 10:26

It's not wrong...it's healthy for them to split time between both homes or the relationship becomes unbalanced.

Your reasons might not BE that but your intentions aren't bad...so it's fine.

The early stages of a relationship set the tone for the rest of it...so it's wise for them to spend some time at both or it's always her running to him.

He should do some of the running too. Tell her that. Never be the one to always do the chasing and the travelling. It needs to be even.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/11/2021 10:28

If nothing else, she's relying on you fetching and taking her every time so it would be fair of him to make some effort so it isn't all on her to do the running. If he can't be bothered unless she comes to him...

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/11/2021 10:36

I probably would have by passed DD and invited him directly for dinner or something. That way it looks like you’re genuinely interested in getting to know him rather than just wanting a fairer share of your daughters time.

Original poster

Inastatus · 11/11/2021 11:07

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Thanks everyone. @MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry - I am definitely genuinely interested in getting to know him. I have casually asked if he’d like anything to eat the couple of times he’s been round but I think I need to invite him specifically for a meal.

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 12/11/2021 18:58

I know how you feel
I have an 18 to dd and always tell her they need to make each others houses more even. They are going out a year at end of November and have it about 70/30 in his favour.
He is an only child so think they have more peace at his my ds 13 likes him to spend a bit of time with him on ps.
They have really tried harder this week so hopefully this is the start of an improvement.
I would let her go to his on a Friday straight from school and she would go from there to work on a Saturday evening at 5 then when it's his weekend he comes after 7 on the Friday and away around 1 on the Saturday gets a bit annoying that he doesn't do same for her.

Original poster

Inastatus · 13/11/2021 22:54

@Andi2020 - he is coming for dinner tomorrow so it’s a start ...

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 13/11/2021 23:38

@Inastatus hopefully the dinner goes well
Dd met her bf at 2.30 today and they came in car with me to do some xmas shopping and he staying the night here supposed to be going out for dinner tomorrow but I'm waiting on the mum to change that plan.
I already told her we were planning on going out for dinner and she can collect him when dd is going to work at 5 as I always let her stay at his to that time nut every time he comes here she changes the plan and collects him early.

Original poster

Inastatus · 14/11/2021 08:57

Thanks @Andi2020 I hope your dinner plans don’t get scuppered by his mum today 🤞🏻

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 14/11/2021 18:47

@Inastatus hope your dinner was more successful than mine.
Before we went his mum text him to say he was to come home straight after dinner it ruined the whole atmosphere me and dd fell out now she doesn't wait go to formal in 2 weeks time because I said for her changing plans today, I was change them that night and she wasn't going back to his house.
She away to work now
They are 18 us mums should not even be involved at this age but its every time he stays the home time is changed and when she goes to his I let her stay to work time.
I had lunch with the mum on Wednesday and she actually changed place an hour beforehand to a place I told her I didn't like. It's just beyond annoying
Sorry for rant on your thread.

Cameleongirl · 14/11/2021 18:58

@Andi2020. Ugh, his Mum sounds like a pain!

My DD (16) has just started seeing another 16-year-old and so far they’re splitting their time pretty evenly between our houses, which I like. I’m getting to know him…and I approve so far….haven’t said that to DD though, in case Mum’s approval puts her off.🤣

Original poster

Inastatus · 14/11/2021 19:35

@Andi2020 - rant away. The mum sounds hard work!

DInner wasn’t that great to be honest. He was so nervous bless him and it was clearly a struggle for him. We had a good chat and we tried hard to make him feel comfortable but as soon as dinner was finished they disappeared up to DD’s room to watch Netflix. I’m going to keep trying and hoping that he will get a bit more comfortable around us.

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 21/11/2021 20:16

@Inastatus how did this weekend go with your dd and her bf

Original poster

Inastatus · 22/11/2021 08:36

@Andi2020 - thanks for asking. It turns out that he thinks he’s allergic to our cats which is why he struggled last weekend. He says he’s going to get some allergy tablets to deal with it. DD went out with him on Friday night and stayed over at his house (separate rooms!). She saw him again briefly yesterday when they went for a dog walk. So still not much time spent here but working on it.

How about your DD and bf?

OP posts:

Andi2020 · 22/11/2021 21:15

It's a mess here my dd2 got covid last Monday so dd1 left went to his house they are 18 his mum demanded she come straight away so within an hour she came picked her up and has been there since.
I then got covid so she couldn't return as they have their formal this Friday
We have had alot of arguing over snapchat as I don't think you should leave your family with any illness just for your own social life.

I don't want her to miss formal so have to go along with what she wants.
I blocked the mum on Facebook and messanger and she went mad and was going come back to my house to ask why after Friday formal she will be back blocked 😡

Original poster

Inastatus · 23/11/2021 15:10

Oh no, sorry to hear that. I hope you and your DD are recovering well. It’s a tricky situation with your DD wanting to go to a big event. I know several friends who’s teens moved out temporarily due to other family members having covid and not wanting to risk missing big events/holidays etc so it’s definitely not unusual. However the boyfriend’s mum sounds very OTT!

OP posts:

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