12 year old girl - anxiety - panic attacks and self-harm

[Philippa100]

Hi, I have a 12 year daughter who suffers from anxiety and has recently started cutting herself. We have only really just found out and are in the process of absorbing it all. It has been a huge shock for us.
She found the transition to secondary school excruciating - she is now in YR8 (at primary school, she was a bright and happy girl generally with lots of friends). She still is but she is suffering from awful anxiety and has rock bottom self esteem and worries about everything. I think she feels pressure to be perfect and feels scared about making mistakes - she's been worried about getting a first concern at school for example and she worries about whether she's enough for her friends. (I learned a lot from talking to our council as the practioner there had a chat with her. It was terrible to learn how anxioius she had been). She doesn't really want to talk about it much with us but she does want to talk to someone about it so that she can try and find some ways of dealing with her overwhelming emotions.
We have talked to our council and have been referred to Open Door and the open practioner has said that she will see my daughter every other week to talk in the meantime. But I'm worried that the waiting list might take 6-9 months and that my daughter will deteriote during this time. I'm wondering about whether we try and find a counsellor in the meantime but I'm worried that this will conflict with Open Door treatment / her chatting to the practitioner. But it feels like it really is important that she talks to someone very soon. Does anyone have any advice here?
I'd also love any tips for helping her with her anxiety. A friend said that rubber bands really helped, so my daughter went to school with rubber bands around her wrist today so that she can play with those when she feels anxious. Are there any great books she can read? Or you tube video clips she can look at about breathing? Or any thoughts about ways to help her gain confidence?
I'd love any help / advice - we are so worried!!!
Thanks you so much

Bumping for more replies, I know this is a worry.

I'm no expert, I have some experience of self harm, I was advised rubber bands can be 'pinged' when feeling the need to harm, causing that sensation without long term damage, not a solution but certainly a replacement. I think there's apps (headspace?) to help being mindful and with breathing. I hope someone can recommend age appropriate books/videos. Keeping a journal wasn't for me and you're right talking will probably be most effective, but writing down what's made you anxious each day, scoring it out of 10 with symptoms can help to get it all out your head, (as well as noticing good stuff every day, even just the sun shone, or watched a new TV show, cosy bed, had favourite drink etc).

Does her high school have a wellbeing officer or pastoral support that could help? Has she new friends that may be an influence? Is she sleeping and eating well?

Thanks so much for your reply - it's really lovely to get. That is reassuring about the elastic bands (will see how she gets on today!!) and I'll have a look at Headspace and also the diary idea.
Yes - the school are aware and are being great. She has a panic card and a mentor and she's on the waiting list for the counsellor she can access there. She's eating and sleeping okay. She has got new friends and they are nice - her closest friend, who I think also has anxiety problems, has been instrumental in getting her to tell me the truth. One of the things that came out of the meeting though with the council is that she has very low esteem and worries that they'll get bored of her. Her FOMO is through the roof. I hate social media!!! I'm in the process of writing her a letter to let her know how great she is and to try and give her ideas to help her build up her confidence again. Thank you again for taking the time to reply

That's great she has school and friends as support, and you.
www.youngminds.org.uk has a lot of info for parents too 🙂

My dd started self harming at 11, she was using scissors to cut chunks out of her arms. It wasn't anxiety, it was a need to feel something. She had been the centre of her friend group, she was the leader in all her out of school activities, but this changed and she needed to fill that gap. It took us a long time to work that out though and I doubt she would admit that was the problem even now at 14.
She was the victim of a bully, who turned the group of friends against her and in fact turned most of the year against her. The girls mother worked in the office at school and was loved by all the teachers, so when I went to school about the girl, I was told my dd was the problem. She ended up being the problem as she tried to create situations so that people would notice her. I am still very angry about this and I still find it hard not to say something to the mother when she smiles at me in the street.
Anyway, we went to camhs and were told the waiting list was 6-9 months. So we took her to a local CBT therapist who specialises in young people which was expensive but was definately worth it.
It took a few weeks for her to stop cutting, it came back a few times later, then she had a spell of binge eating and throwing up. But it seems to have settled now and we've had a good couple of years.
Childline have a text chat option dd would use, you can also call them for advice. She also kept a journal (advice from therapist) with a big pack of sharpies to write and draw how she was feeling. Some of the pages are just black, dd showed me recently, but I had to promise not to read it at the time.
We were also told not to hide knives or scissors, but to tell her to keep clean if she was going to do it, sterile wipes for the cutting implement and her arm. We didn't make a big deal about the wounds, just clean her up and ask why she did it.
She hated the rubber bands but would wear a hair band on her wrist (she still does), she would pull it when stressed.
Getting her talking and one to one time with her was also a huge help, she would look forward to us going for a trip to Yo Sushi or the cinema.
I also have a best friend who is like an aunt to her, she would text her regularly and ask how she was. Dd wouldn't always answer, but would if she was feeling wobbly.
The biggest set backs were social media and finding other people who self harm. If your dd has a phone, check it regularly. She will know how to create multiple sign ins to instagram and snap chat. We made dd leave her mobile in the kitchen to charge at night. We would check the phone in front or her during the day and then check it again at night when she was asleep. She would forget to log out of things and we worked out so much more.
Meeting other people who self harm is also an issue, they feed off each other and even though they tell each other not to do it, they end up doing it in some kind of solidarity, it's strange. So our therapist encouraged DD not to tell anyone about the self harm, only her family and her aunt.
When all of it started I felt so completly overwhelmed with worry, so I really feel for you.

You are not alone. DD(14) started self harming during the lockdown and we didn't know for ages. Like you I felt something needed to be done immediately and I sought advice from a counselor friend to find professional help for her. I had heard time and again on Mumsnet how long the wait for camhs and how short the number of sessions they receive and was too worried to wait.
She has been seeing the counselor one a week since about June and it has been transformative for her. She is still anxious, but the self harm has stopped hopefully permanently
It costs £40 for 50 minutes face to face. That's a lot of money to me but it's worth the sacrifices.

Oh and as @pixels123 says spending more time together really helps. Not necessarily talking but shopping, baking, cinema etc. I was definitely guilty of letting her have too much 'teenage space'.
Also I text her sometimes in the evening if she's doing homework or something, just so she knows I'm thinking of her. A silly snap chat pic of something.

I agree with WisestlsShe, it's the time together, not always the talking.

I also used to put notes in her lunchbag, usually a joke or a stupid pun about some food that was in there. She kept all these and has them in an old purse.

But nothing beats a good therapist, we were told we'd probably go through a few before we found one that works, but the first one was amazing. The first two sessions dd came out quite happy, but the third was awful and dd regressed after facing some hard truths. The following sessions were a mix of good and bad, but they worked and thats what kept us going.

Thank you so much for those messages - they're really reassuring and helpful to read. Yes I think trying to find a therapist is going to be something I need to do quickly now as we certainly can't wait 6 months. And I think CBT will be key. I just spoke to a CBT trained psychologist and she seemed great - so things are looking up. Yes - I am totally guilty of having given her too much teenage space (she was totally wanting it and pushing me away) but gosh that resonated. I am now at the opposite extreme - hyper aware of everything she is doing and trying to break up her time in positive ways so that she doesn't start worrying too much. Thanks again for all the feedback

That's great you've found a psychologist, CBT was great for us.

You've just triggered my memory, I remember worrying when she was in her room with the door closed.

Oh boy. She sounds just like me when I was that age. My 15-year-old also self harms, so I've got it from both perspectives. Definitely don't hide things she can self harm with, it just motivates her more to find something. Waiting lists for therapy really suck, don't wait that long to get help for her. Childline is great, and also get her to check out a website called The Mix. It's like a group chat where teenagers can chat together with counsellors as moderators. What really matters is whether or not she wants to stop. I just carried on cutting, burning etc because I liked it, I liked the feeling and I liked how the scars looked and I liked the control it gave me. Nothing could have got me to stop. Eventually I guess I just grew out of it, I stopped being a teenager and realised I didn't have as many problems anymore and I had more control over my life, and I didn't really like self-harm anymore. Once I realised that I stopped, although it took about a year. But if, for her, there's a reason behind it (unlike me, I just ended up addicted), then that's what needs to be adressed. If you solve the cause of the problem, the problem no longer exists. Just make sure to support her as much as possible and listen to her and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything. I know first-hand how worried you are so this may sound weird but try to act casual. Let her know you care about her but not how worried you are. The more casual and less worried you are, the better - if she thinks you're worried about her it won't help her stop but it'll make her feel under a lot of pressure and like she's letting you down. That's how I felt.

Hope something in my non-chronological brain dump helped. This is mostly going off my experiences of self-harming badly as a teen and having a daughter who self harms. I really hope your situation improves and that your daughter gets better.

So sorry you are going through this; it really is a living hell seeing your DC so unhappy. As always I recommend joining the private FB group called Parenting Mental Health which has been a lifeline for me.

www.kooth.com/ is another online support service that might be useful.

Thanks so much for your thoughts - it's so helpful and useful to read peoples experiences. It is such a tightrope act being around her at the moment - trying to be casual and fun whilst trying to glean information and trying to get her to open up a tiny bit - and then sometimes blowing it by insisting on something ridiculous like she eats chocolate !! (she is starting to control her eating)...