Advice

[Babycakes2021]

I’ve a 16 yo daughter, an I’m on my last nerve. Maybe it’s me!!
I received a txt from my daughter yesterday about chores/housework, stating that this is not her job that’s not her job an various other things. I’m told I’m her mother an it’s my job to do things for her and provide EVERYTHING, until she is 18! Entitled??
Although when my daughter needs a ride to the train station, town shopping, etc I’m expected to be a taxi service an expects money.
I bite my tongue it angers an annoys me that I allow this to go on. My daughter refuses to get part time work won’t do chores unless it’s necessary her choice if she wants to do them.
It’s just My Daughter, my Son an I at home. They lost their dad 6 years ago.
Any advice is much appreciated constructive or otherwise. I need help before I drive myself crazy.

Send her a text of your resignation..

That’s a good idea

My own mother experienced something when I was 16... Dare I say I was probably as bad as this, admittedly. To combat my horrid attitude she simply stopped doing everything for me. Washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking. No allowance. Everything. I quickly learned how to do things for myself after a lot of complaining and then I found myself a part-time job. I mean, it worked for me back then... How stubborn can you be compared to her? 😅

Are chores linked to pocket money/allowance?

Has she always been like this, or is it new behaviour? Teens can be horrible, but often there will be a reason for s change in behaviour - friendship issues, boyfriend problems, issues at school etc Have you looked into this? You also say that she lost her father - this must be hard for all of you. Has she dealt with that, counselling etc.

Sounds just like my daughter at that age!! Horrible, you have my commiserations mine is much better now (18) but still has her moments. The biggest change came when she worked for the summer and started to realise the value of time and money.. But jeez those years were hard!!

Maybe pay her for chores.. Whilst pointing out how much more she could get working somewhere else.. Mine went waitressing

My daughter gets paid money anything from, 80€-100€ per month.

Thanks for your reply, we done the counseling 3 different ones.
In any given month I would drive her anywhere she wants to go. Pay train fares 22€ twice a month, refuses to get a bus home after her trips to her boyfriends house. 80€+ spending money in the month. Phone top up also, god help me if she’s got no data. An she argues with me about doing the dishwasher or simply sweeping the kitchen floor. I just want to scream 😱

Sorry but she sees you as staff...
Remind her you function on respect or your purse is staying clamped shut.
My dd's are 14 and 16...back chat and cheek here results in them making their own tea.
And no lifts.

Not going to lie I was an absolute knob to my father when I was a teenager and how our relationship has survived I don’t know.

He just stopped doing everything domestic for me though. Literally everything, and paid me generously if I did his ironing/cleaning. There wasn’t a choice of not getting a job it was ‘so are you going to college or getting a job’. I did get a job and have worked every day since. There can’t be an option of doing nothing for free money.

I feel your pain. It's like WWIII every time I ask to my teenagers to do anything. Latest row was DS (16) ranting that it wasn't his turn to wash up (which in reality is literally stack dishwasher and wipe down surfaces).
Said it was his sister's turn even though she is self/isolating for 10 days

Never mind that I have been at work
cooked dinner and picked him up from train station!

I’m her mother an it’s my job to do things for her and provide EVERYTHING, until she is 18!

I see my role as the parent of a teenager to provide food, shelter, facilitate attending school/college, be a sounding board and most importantly ensure that they are ready at 18 for adult life. If they can't cook then they need more practice, if they can't wash up they need more opportunities to develop that skill. I agree that you need to withdraw services, but at the same time investigate whether there might be any additional counselling which might help. It does sound as if she is the angry 10yr old she was when her dad died.

We have an interesting twist. DS has returned from college exclaiming he absolutely MUST go on the next ski trip!

Huge part of me wants to laugh in his face at the audacity but another part is thinking how I can use this to my advantage!

Would already expected him to pay half but how can I engineer tactics to get him to insist he pulls his weight more?

Sorry to hijack!

@ForAFriend123

Sorry to hijack!

No need to be sorry at all I really feel what you mean!

@Ionlydomassiveones

Have you always done things for her? Have you always been the mum doing the cooking, cleaning, lifts etc. If so, that’s all she’s ever known. Yes she might be being sassy about it but I would be cross too if my boss suddenly started expecting me to do a whole load of stuff I wasn’t used to or qualified for.

You need to stop battling and just shrug and take an air of resigned ‘don’t give a shit mate’ (obviously you do, but just do your best Meryl Streep and act, they don’t need to know). Stop fussing over her, don’t wash her stuff, don’t cook - give her a taste of the independence she craves. She’ll then have to renegotiate the battle lines. But hold your nerve, be kind, be present but above all look like you are the strong adult in charge and you’re not going to have any truck with teenage tantrums.

“I wrote a piece that I’d like to say what’s on my mind! Is there anything else I could add or take away from it. Really need advice!

• [x] From today moving forward I will only continue to do my motherly duties. Cooking meals and educational duties this includes work experience regarding school. Doctors appointments etc. There will be no driving here there any everywhere giving lifts anymore. I’m not a taxi service No more train or bus fares been handed out. This is a two way street ! You can’t take take and then complain there has to be give an take. The money you earn from household chores is to use as you wish.

• [x] I deserve respect I’m only human, no chores means no money given. Money is earned,more chores means more money being cheeky and disrespectful is not an option. There’s thing’s we all do in this house that nobody likes at times and within reason we have to live with it. This is regarding noise, we all have good and bad days which is allowed everybody makes noise some days are louder than others. Nobody knows what’s going on in someone else’s head. So #BeKind if confused ask questions in a polite manner.”

I think your statement needs to be much clearer e.g. from today (15th Nov 2021) I will provide shelter, food and will support your access to education and medical appointments by providing transport. Household tasks performed by other members of the family will be paid for at the previously agreed rate of £X. It is expected that earnings will cover the cost of any train/bus travel you wish to undertake. Lifts are no longer available and laundry is to be done by whoever wears those clothes.

On occasions, family members who choose to contribute to the running of the household without being asked, who speak to others in a friendly way and/or who show consideration to others e.g. by playing music so it cannot be heard other than in their own room may be offered a lift or may have the cost of independent travel provided. This is at my discretion and should not be requested.

Stop giving her money and rides. Don’t engage with the tantrums. This is what I did with my daughter last year.

Absolutely not one cent, no train or bus fares to go out with her friends, no money for food while out, nothing. If she wanted to behave like a toddler I was going to treat her like one.

She got bored of it very quickly. Has a job now and pulls her weight around the house.