ADHD teen - friendship dramas

[chocolateweetabix]

My 16 yr old DD was diagnosed last year with ADHD. It was like a lightbulb moment and explained so much.
She was put on medication which helps with her severe mood swings and concentration. Friendships have always been an issue. Not making friends. People are drawn to her, she fun, outgoing and a bit crazy. It's the keeping friends that's the issue. She's so so impulsive, takes offensive to everything, super sensitive etc.
Last year she was included in a nice friendship group, good girls , maybe not wild enough for her though. So on a few occasions she has dropped them to go to another group where she gets an invite to something etc.
They have left her saunter back on a couple of occasions but think they know she will piss off if she gets a more exciting offer.
She found out accidentally through social media they had a party without asking her. She says she sat with them in class today, no fall out , chatting away etc.
She's heartbroken but I think must be more to it.
I'm wondering if she's side lined them at school and they have just had enough or they see her searching for others to hang out with at weekends ?
I've no idea how to teach her to be a good friend. These girls have been horrible but I do think she not loyal. She wants to be friends with others but I imagine they feel used.
She says I'm siding with them. I'm not (I think) but I can see their point.
How do I teach her ADHD brain to not be so thrill seeking and impulsive.
She's upstairs bawling like she's heartbroken

Hello!

I am a 25 year old woman who was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD about six months ago. Does your DD have inattentive, hyperactive or combined-type ADHD? It is very hard to control impulses, especially in hyperactive and combination types. There is also something that is more newly connected to ADHD, called 'rejection sensitivity dysphoria' (RSD), which isn't (yet) a diagnostic criteria but some studies have shown that there is a huge correlation between ADHD and RSD. RSD is basically where people find rejection absolutely unbearable, they see being rejected as one of the worst things that can happen to them. I suffer with this too, it has gotten better as I have gotten older and understand sometimes people forget to invite me places, sometimes things were impromptu, but I do still get a red mist over my eyes when i initially find out that I was missed off the guest list. Even if I didn't want to go to the party/cinema/park whatever, I am always very offended if i'm not asked. But I have learnt to refrain from sending angry texts/sarcastic messages etc as I've got older. I think in teens the impulsivity is at it's peak. Mine is still there but it's things like impulsive spending, impulsive eating etc. Please please encourage her to save money as like I said, I am 25 with £500 in savings still living with my parents, dying to move out but simply unable to afford it at the moment (mostly unable to save now due to the extortionate private medical costs for my ADHD doctor and treatment)

Sorry, hit post too soon!!

But yes. Your DD will be fine

ADHD and the RSD side of it can make relationships hard. I remember at her age my relationships, especially my romantic relationships, were extremely intense and breakups especially were like the end of the world. Especially as I was always the one being broken up with. I can hand on heart say, that being broken up with was worse on me mentally, in terms of it messing with my head and making me irrational and "crazy" than my own boyfriend passing away from cancer when I was 21. Of course his death was the worst thing that ever happened to me, don't get me wrong, I was devastated. But he didn't make the choice to leave me, if you know what I mean? The relationship didn't end with someone rejecting me, he passed away, still loving and cherishing me till his last breath. THAT is how bad RSD can be, it can really be cataclysmic for someone with ADHD. But I AM learning more and more not to lash out, it can be so hard but I just wait for a while for the anger to pass, I might be pacing around the house to heavy metal, to physically process my anger but I refrain from taking it out on others for the most part. People with ADHD are also known for their temper, which can be volcanic

May I ask which medication she is on? No worries if you'd rather keep that private of course, but I'm happy to share that I take Elvanse, 50mg and I'd say the effects are pretty subtle. Maybe it's not the right med for me but i find it works, just not to the desired strength. If you feel it isn't working as well as it should be, have her, or you, get in contact with her doctor and see if there is scope to increase her dose or perhaps try another medication.

All the best for you and your DD, OP. Living with ADHD is hard, especially as a woman and especially as a teen. She will learn coping methods as she goes through life though, and if these aren't her people she will find her people eventually. Keep supporting her like you have been, as best you can, I know my mum finds a lot of my ADHD traits difficult but I don't know what I'd do without her. Lots of love OP!!

How have these girls been horrible? It sounds like your dd has dropped them and let them down on a number of occasions and they’ve just stopped including her?

It must be upsetting for your dd but it sounds like a learning moment for her to understand that actions have consequences and even “good girls” have - and indeed should have - boundaries about how much rubbish behaviour they’re prepared to put up with.

I’ve no knowledge of adhd though and this must be painful to go through.

@colabucks thanks she's inattentive type and on Xaggitin which helps immensely with mood and concentration. I can tell immediately if she's not taken it that day.
It's the always searching for the dopamine kicks that stresses me out. When she's with the good girl friends she was much calmer and on an even keel but it just doesn't seem to be enough for her. She adores new fun people , the crazy fun times you have in a new relationship but they obvs don't always work out (as she has found over the years). She's now sort of been kicked out of the nice girls group for good reason ( I think ) due to lack of loyalty. She can't see the issue though. They prefer just to stick to their close friendship group and not mix with others. She craves the stimulation of new people but then wants to come back to them when the novelty wears off as it always will.

I get why they have excluded her @Donotgogentle but she just can't see why. She's heartbroken as she sat with them in school all day and they had party planned without her so I do think that's horrible. It's the knowing it was planned behind your back as you have been deliberately excluded.
I've tried to make her see it from their point of view when she goes off to other social events. She says they were invited too but chose not to go.

I'm worried she will be left with no one. She needs the stability of the nice friend group but craves the excitement of new experiences. It's like she's on a rollercoaster. She will be in a low mood all weekend now. That means I will live it with her. I know I'm overly invested but her impulsiveness actually scares me as she doesn't think of the consequences of her actions until it's too late

It sounds really tough for both of you op .

The good girl friends sound a bit controlling though. They punish her if she hangs out with others. They won't mix with others. The party thing was very 'mean girls' too.

Their actions seem controlling.

Expecting 'loyalty' ? Is that a thing in friendship?

Hi Chocolateweetabix, yes also in a very similar situation and yes I've not had much sleep this week. It's hard because it seems she needs to be centre of attention and her friends that she fell out with have got a bit fed up of it and told her so this week, and instead of trying to sort it out she told them she didnt want to be friends ever! She has had that many arguments with various people, she's hardly anyone left to go to. It's so sad, I try and acknowledge feelings and try & get her to figure out a way of improving, she knows she's annoying but also stubborn!. She has missed several lessons this week because she has been crying about the fallout/no friends I'm worried the impact on her GCSE mocks which are coming soon....

We've restricted SM use as a lot of fallouts occurred on there, also found How to talk so your teens will listen, and Getting to Calm (Laura Kastner)useful books to read. HTH

This is us right now. 10 year old DD absolutely adores socialising, try’s so hard to keep her friends but recently it’s been one thing after another. She does have one very special bff who has been a great support, but sadly many others have slowly got fed up with the anger and outbursts. It’s So sad to see. How are you doing OP?

@chocolateweetabix thank you for posting - I came on to look for info on this issue and @colabucks thank you for responding to this post so comprehensively, I found your response really interesting.

My daughter is suspected to have inattentive ADHD (signposted by teachers but diagnosis not considered necessary by the school as she isn’t struggling academically). My worries are more about the social side as what has been said about RSD is a bit of a revelation as we really struggle with exactly this, compounded by insecurity with her relationship with her Dad too. Recently it has progressed to self harming at school, and CAMHS are involved. I’m hoping the clear impact on her MH might now drive action as I really could do with advice as to how to help with the social side. I’m terrible at this stuff and struggled as a teen before I found my tribe. It is probably no coincidence that it has been suggested I should consider getting assessed for ADHD too…

My DD has an uncannily similar profile to OPs - great with adults and younger kids. Some lovely safe nice friends who occasionally get overlooked for more exciting alternatives, but who therefore have a closer relationship that she sometimes gets excluded from. I have gone so far as to suggest that patterns are being repeated that suggest she needs to reflect on how she engages with friendships, but it went about as well as you might expect… and didn’t seem to result in self reflection… following with interest!