How much does your academic sixth former socialise?

[Malteser71]

My daughter was 16 over the summer. She’s in the lower sixth, very academic, already getting A grades in her work. Works hard.

I worry that she doesn’t socialise much. She has a core group of three female friends, they do occasionally go out (shopping and dinner) or spend the evening together doing something structured like sleepover and a film,, but she doesn’t seem to just casually hang out with friends like I did at that age, you know, for the sake of it.

We are all different, she’s an introvert, I’m not so much. I just worry that she’s all work and not much play. She’s about to start a part time job.

What are yours like?

Let's not pigeonhole.

Academic girls can have lots of friends and a lively social life.

Girls with practical skills might have a more intimate social life.

There are no rules. It's whatever suits the individual preference

Ds(17) probably sees friends once or twice a week. Usually they are out most of Saturday afternoon going to a home or away game and something to eat. They also usually meet up every couple of weeks in someones for a get together (not a sleepover, they seem to have grown out of that). Its a strange age where they cant easily go to clubs/pubs etc yet.

He does do other things outside of studying, gym 3 times a week, driving lesson/practice 3-4 times a week, and speaks to his friends over the PS5 most nights.

Mine goes swimming once a week, to drama class once a week.

That’s a good point about it being an age when they can’t go into pubs. And no driving lessons yet

Not that it stopped me 🙈

Where did I pigeonhole?

You didn't

I was just trying to carry things forward.

Sorry if it came out wrong.

Mine was also 16 over the summer, very academic, just started in sixth form. However, she is very extroverted and is living in a bit of a social whirl at the moment. She has a really good group of friends from her GCSE years but is relishing the chance to make new friends too. She also has a part time job and hobbies, so she is very busy but she seems to thrive on this!

Meant to add that the main thing is whether or not your dd is happy. If she is more introverted, then she may be more than happy with her current level of social interaction. She isn't missing out on stuff if she isn't interested, she's just doing her own thing. I couldn't keep up with my dd's busy schedule, but it obviously suits her, and the main thing is that she's happy. Sounds like yours is pretty happy with how things are too?

DS 17 only does hanging out in person on average once a week after one of his sport sessions. He also hangs out with school mates online for a couple of hours a few nights per week. He does a lot of sport, has a small p/t job and isn't one of the party set. So he is mixing with his friends but in a different way to the way DH did at the same age.

Without wishing to be patronising, count your blessings. DS16 is out almost every afternoon/evening & his crowd push every boundary. It's a constant strain

Dd similar here and hopefully she will reap the benefits when it comes to grades. Plenty of time for them to socialise. It is her choice though.

Drama, Swimming & PT job & 6th form must take a lot of her time. They all involve lots of social contact.

Mine is in sixth form, socialises a bit, goes the the cinema, pubs, into the local city etc, has a part time job.

Works incredibly hard but is not academic, getting a D is a thrill and real achievement so not sure he counts for your specific survey 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Thanks for the responses. Mine is definitely an introvert, and perhaps she’s happy with the amount of socialising 🤷🏻‍♀️

Husband said he worries about her, that she’s ‘not developing normally’ because she prefers to stay home.

And you’re right about reaping the rewards around d grades!

Her development sounds fine, your dh is worrying about nothing. Contrary to the stereotype, teens don't all have to be out with their friends all the time. Some are perfectly happy at home in their own company or with their families. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with her at all, or that she doesn't have friends. As long as she is happy with the amount of socialising that she does, then there is literally nothing to worry about

I'd also say she sounds like she is happy in herself so please don't make her aware that you're concerned.

I was similar at her age and my mum constantly worried I had no friends (I did but only a close few) and I remember feeling like a failure or that there was something wrong with me. My mum would be mortified to know she made me feel that way but she honestly did and it was horrible.

I'm now mid-40s and have a great husband and 3 DCs, plus lots of amazingly close friends (different groups that I made at university and work although no school friends). I think at 6th form, I hadn't really found 'my people' but was happy plodding along, just not a wild party animal! I was honestly happy in myself though but felt awful due to my mum's misguided concern.

I think socialising is probably one of the biggest challenges in sixth form in terms of future grades and prospects. There is nothing wrong with working hard now to get into the course or uni of her choice.

DD is 17 and y13. More introverted, works hard plus has a part time job as a waitress. She has a boyfriend who is at uni so sees him when she can. Sixth form has not been great for her as some ‘friends’ have proven that they’re not so she doesn’t really socialise with school. She sometimes goes out with work friends. . She’s looking forward to making new friends at uni.

Mine is the same age and doesn’t do much really apart from hang out with her BF here or at his house. She suffers from anxiety and had quite a few friendship issues at school.
She started 6th form college in September though and has started to form a new friendship group, it seems she has finally found her tribe. She is slowly feeling her way and there are some things that are too challenging for her yet such as getting a train on her own to a big city to meet a friend but when I think about what I was doing at 16 sets very very different.
Having said that when I hear about some of the things my friends dc of the same age get up to I am glad I dint have to worry about her safety so much.

My DD is 18 and has just started uni, so she did her last year and a half of school through the pandemic. She did not socialise much at sixteen either, she and her friends might go cycling and for something to eat, to the cinema or something, but once in a blue moon. She had just started to socialise a bit more when the pandemic started and she got covid. She was ill for quite some time, but she and her friends did more stuff online. But she has always been very focused on her studies and to be honest, I have always just trusted her to make her own decisions about what she is doing when. If she asks for my advice, I will give it, but that is it.

She seems to have made friends at university quite easily, so I would not worry too much.

What does he mean about developing?
Walking the streets and hanging out in parks drinking cheap booze is developing? Does he want her meeting boys and risking pregnancy?
She sounds absolutely fine.. you said yourself she does see her friends. I would be worried if she had none but she does, and she does fun things with them. Social media means teenagers don't have to be out constantly to keep in touch. She works hard, is getting a job.. she sounds like a diamond to be honest. Extroverts still don't get it I see.

I can't keep up with my 16dd, Princess Fifi.

Apart from being permanently attached to her mobile phone, her life is a whirle of earth shattering drama of who wore what or didn't wear what she should have or did unmentionable things with so-and-so boyfriend/girlfriend.

Occasionally this is so serious it involves the coven holding an emergency meeting in Starbucks. Really serious matters, like her boyfriend unable to do her bidding coz he's at football practice, will provoke a summit at the local sauna - they all having gym membership.

Her father will of course drop everything to give her a lift to where ever her heart desires.

Conducting your social life when you're 16 is serious stuff - "A" levels are an irritating distraction.

Ds has a very good group of friends, meets up often on weekends or goes away on holiday with them

He gets good grades and seems really happy so I’m counting the blessings there really

DD is 18 and also academic (applied to Cambridge for next year). She did have a part time job in the summer but quickly realised there was no way she could juggle work and the level of commitment she needs to give her studies. She LOVES going out clubbing though and probably goes out a couple of times a month. She is level headed though and will put her studies before anything else at the moment realising once A-levels are over she can let her hair down a bit more.

I think we can’t really compare today’s kids (especially in a pandemic) to what we did as teens.
Mine are a bit younger but they don’t need to go round and knock for people as they just face time etc. They don’t need to go round to play video games with each other as they can just connect online.

Have you talked to her about it? What does she say?