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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do you get them to bed?!

49 replies

Wipingsides · 04/11/2021 21:25

Starting to get major pushback from DC on going to bed. DS11 & DD13.. always been pretty strict with school night bedtimes but they're both taking longer & longer to settle down for evening. DD likes to follow a routine where we watch tv together after her brother goes up around 8.30... she's still faffing upstairs now (9.20) & her bedtime 'should' be 9.15.. she just keeps saying 'ok I'm coming' when I repeatedly nag her & tbh I've given up now.. do we even bother enforcing bedtimes at this age?! If we demand it and threaten consequences it turns into such a drama it's just not worth it at this time of night as prolongs things & ends with her getting in a state. I feel I don't have much leverage. At this rate I'll be going to bed before her.
Then the boy has started doing the same.. goes up fine & find him sat in his pants playing in his room when I thought he'd gone to bed

How do you enforce bedtimes as they get older & when do you give up?!

OP posts:

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/11/2021 21:28

Assuming no additional needs as none mentioned, go in hard and stick to it. My DC are 14 and 15. Sun-Thurs iPads and mobiles in the kitchen at 9pm no excuses. Bedroom lights out at 10. I’m not here to be popular and they’re frigging unbearable when they’re tired.

Mosky · 04/11/2021 21:30

You are fighting a losing battle to impose a 9.15 bedtime on a 13 year old. Is this for your benefit or hers?
What I did when it became a total battle.
Got them to agree to a no messing about, going nicely at 10pm school nights and in return I agreed to no limits on Friday/ Saturday. If they didn't comply or made a fuss on school nights all agreements were off.
It worked a treat. Yes they stayed up until all hours on weekends at first, but the relief of no battles the rest of the week was so worthwhile.
Gave up all rules by 15 /16.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/11/2021 21:31

How are they in the morning? If not popping out of bed l would sit on them but if they are cheerful morning people l would insist on them being in their rooms but no pressure to sleep. No screens in the rooms though. Reading is fine.

shivermetimbers77 · 04/11/2021 21:32

9.15 seems very early for a 13 year old.. is she tired by then?

ItsAlwaysThere · 04/11/2021 21:38

My 13 year old goes to bed earlier now because she is more understanding about how it helps her the next day. Prior to this, she would get to sleep about 11pm or even later. Obvious things like an auto-off on her phone apps at a decent time, we usually ask for tv off half an hour before sleep time so she reads for a bit to wind down. We aim for 10 now on a regular school night but it's much later when clubs are late. She is up at 6.15 so quite an early start.

BertieBotts · 04/11/2021 21:44

We don't enforce a bedtime but 13yo has access removed from router at 8pm (automatic on a timer, router homepage) on school nights and parental controls on devices so they automatically turn off at that time as well. 9pm weekends and holidays. He can stay up a bit later, but we wanted screens off before bed. It works well and generally if he is still up and about after 10pm we just react really shocked/confused at why he is up at that time and it seems to reinforce that it's super late and he tends to go to sleep earlier the next night :o

He has to get up at 6 on school days. So early bedtime is a must unfortunately. I think 9-9.30ish is reasonable.

mathanxiety · 04/11/2021 21:44

I think your bedtimes are unreasonably early.

Mine were in bed by 9:30-10 when they were those ages, and they could read if they wanted after that. This was 7 days a week.

The deal was they could stay up reading in bed only if they were up with their own alarms in the morning, and cheerfully got themselves dressed, organised, and ready for school.

BertieBotts · 04/11/2021 21:46

Actually having thought about that I don't think we have adjusted time at all since he was about 11 so probably we should!

Shodan · 04/11/2021 21:51

DS2 has just turned 14 and his regular bedtime is 10.30, and has been since he turned 13. Sometimes he's allowed to stay up a bit later during the week, and bedtime at the weekend is 11 or even 12, if we're watching a film together or something. It's just me and him at the moment though.

But- he gets himself up at 6.15 every morning, makes his breakfast, showers and dresses etc. He's a very reasonable kid and if he's tireder than usual I say he needs an earlier night, which he is happy with.

I get that he's perhaps not your 'regular' teenager, but even so, I think 9.15 for a 13 year old is very early.

JewelleryBox · 04/11/2021 21:52

Their circadian rhythm changes as teenagers hence the staying awake later. But that doesn’t really help solve the issue of bedtimes...

OneToThree · 04/11/2021 21:52

Christ dts are asleep 10pm-7.30am and they’re not tired.
Ds nearly 15 is approx 11.30-7.30.
Take devices off them 8/9 whenever then let them naturally get tired and go to bed.
Alternatively let them read until they’re tired.

Titsywoo · 04/11/2021 21:53

Well mine are now 14 and 17 and I leave bedtime up to them to be honest! At 11 I think I would have said bed by 10pm.

OneToThree · 04/11/2021 21:53

Sorry dts are nearly 11

gogohm · 04/11/2021 21:53

9.30 seems a suitable bedtime for a 13 year old unless they are up at 6

MrsBlondie · 04/11/2021 21:56

Gave up aged 14 here. 11pm on school nights and whenever he wants on weekends.
As long as he gets up for school- 7.30am without moaning its fine by me.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 04/11/2021 21:57

I go to bed and let them put themselves to bed these days. Almost 15yo goes to bed hours after me, I’m an early bird, she’s a night owl. Almost 11yo old goes about the same time as me, 10pm, although I read and she goes straight to sleep. I gave up fighting sleep battles when they were toddlers, you can’t make them sleep if they aren’t tired. Your bed times seem incredibly early. Mine were early as a child and I was always embarrassed when my friends were talking about tv they had watched when I was in bed.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 04/11/2021 22:01

No imposed bedtimes once they become teens. 9.30 from 11yo and as late as they like on Friday/Saturday night and during holidays. 9.15 is too early for a 13yo imo.

Parkmama · 04/11/2021 22:02

I think a degree of self regulation is needed here at the ages of your DC. They need to feel empowered to turn their own lights off and settle down when they feel tired. Is there not a scenario where you agree they need to be winding down in their room from a certain time but actually go to sleep when they're ready (within reason!)

Seriously79 · 04/11/2021 22:15

I feel your pain!

DS 12 seems to think he should be allowed to go to bed more or less whenever he wants, but he's such a miserable sod when he's tired, of course he's never admit it.

I've had to be really firm with him. On a school night bedtime is 9.30 - I have to could him down from 8.30,,,,,,

It's 8.30 you got an hour
It's 9.00 you need to think about getting ready for bed now
9.15 you have 15 minutes to get yourself sorted and into bed

Most of the time he's ok, and the compromise to this is Friday & Saturday is much more relaxed, bedtime is normally around 11.

Mykittensmittens · 04/11/2021 22:27

Gosh I’m a right tough nut then.

DD is JUST 13. Y8. She goes to bed at 9pm every night and by the time I come up at 10.30 she’s out cold. She reads a bit but no devices in rooms and prior to 9pm no devices downstairs either - from 8-9 it’s usually watching or doing something together.

She’s up at 6.45/7am

Weekends it is slightly later to bed but not loads so. Maybe 10pm. She’s never complained and clearly needs the hours of sleep she has.

Skyla2005 · 04/11/2021 22:40

10 o'clock bedtime and reading for half an hour at that age is more realistic

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/11/2021 22:42

I go to bed at the same time as my 15yo dd now, I aim for 10pm but it's usually more like 10.30.

It gradually crept up over the various lockdowns.

Original poster

Wipingsides · 04/11/2021 22:44

Ok so I'm taking from this our bedtimes are too early! Devices not an issue- strict boundaries there & no arguments. (Winning something!!) I guess it is more about me- I can't relax / unwind properly til I know they're up & in bed. Will have a measured discussion at weekend to try & 'agree' between us reasonable new bedtime routines now they're getting older! Thanks for all your insights. Parenting teens is a whole new world!

OP posts:

Wandamakesporridge · 04/11/2021 22:57

I have a 13 & 16 year old - as long as they are in their rooms, I don’t enforce ‘lights out’ at a particular time.

They get ready for bed about 8 - 8.30 then we watch a bit of tv together.
They go up to their rooms about 9.30 / 10 so that DH and I can have some time to ourselves. But as to what time they actually fall asleep, I don’t know because I don’t go up to check! As long as they get up in the morning it’s fine.

But no screens in rooms, they can read for a bit if they like.

Bancha · 05/11/2021 06:58

I have a toddler so still enjoy evenings to myself post baby bedtime, but I remember as a teenager going up and saying goodnight to my mum in bed as I got older! I do think eventually we just don’t get to pack them away for the night anymore. Is there another way you can get some relaxation time without fighting a losing battle with your kids?

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