Sad and lonely DS16

[Allaboutsleeves]

I am very worried about my DS aged 16. He is so very unhappy and says he has no friends. He is easy going, friendly but a bit quiet. He gets on well with lots of people at school but never meets up with any after school or at the weekends. He says that he never gets invited to things while others are out meeting up . Teachers say he seems ok at school. He is very depressed and in the evenings he sits in his room on his phone, just looking at random stuff , and watching tv series . He won’t speak to me about anything and just gets very angry if I try to ask questions. If I suggest he messages some people from school he says things like , “why bother, they obviously don’t want me around” . This has been going on a while. Initially I had hoped that things would improve after lockdown and being back at school but if anything he is worse because now everyone is going out and he still isn’t. He is in his gcse year and way too old for me to get involved with arranging meet ups for him. Does anyone else have similar and does anyone have any advice? I am so worried .

Would he be interested in joining any clubs?

I have tried to encourage that but he doesn’t have the confidence to join any. I suggest evening activities such as climbing or joining the gym but he says he has no one to go with. He is stuck in a rut.

DD has had a lot of friendship issues. She struggles to make friends and left secondary school with only 1 friend. She is at college now and the problem mainly remains. She has quite a bit of anxiety and sees a counsellor who thinks she is autistic. I never would have thought it but it would make sense and my son was diagnosed 7 years ago so it isn' that unlikely.

It is hard to help them make friends at this age so I concentrate on keeping her self esteem high, doing things with family and family friends at the weekend, paying for counselling to improve her self-confidence, encouraging her to get a job/volunteer, talking to her about being social and how she comes across to people etc.

I also try to take some things with a pinch of salt as she will say she has no friends then talk about people she has hung out with. Teens are so up and down.

I feel your pain though. Both of my children have had social difficulties and get left out a lot. As a parent it is heartbreaking to watch.

Also DD has made friends online chatting on a Discord server about gaming. She has met a few of them (we were very closeby to be safe the first time!). This has helped her a lot to realise she is not unlikeable she has just been unlucky with classmates etc.

Thank you. I am sorry to hear you are having similar issues. It is heartbreaking when there seems to be nothing you can do to help. I am glad your DD has made some friends online.

Is that something your DS might be interested in? It's so much easier to make friends when you have something in common. DD was at her most lonely when she started talking to people online during lockdown. All her school 'friends' were chatting to each other and leaving her out and she has noone and this was her saviour.

My DD17 has ME/CFS and was bed bound for a year while she was 16. Having online friends through discord and gaming was only thing that saved her from depression due to isolation. So I second online friends.

I agree with online friends through gaming etc.. My DS2 was exactly the same with no friends at school or college, he has dyspraxia and was always socially awkward.
At 16 he got a job on Saturdays and that increased his confidence, building his confidence has meant he's travelled abroad a lot by himself, which he enjoyed as it meant he got to meet people from so many countries.. some of which hes since stayed with. He's now 23 and WFH over the last 18 months has again meant no social interactions, but hes spent time doing up a van so that he can go travelling next year.. little projects to boost confidence, voluntary work to meet people? tiny steps..

Thank you all for the support and suggestions . I will think of ways to encourage him to try some of these .

My DS is now 20 and has never really had any friends he is autistic so I appreciate this is different but still I insisted he always kept busy. He played basketball for years and joined karate with my DP it became a thing they did together. He loves laurel and Hardy and we found a local appreciation club that meet once a month it's mainly old people and him but he doesnt care. Also he likes local wrestlers who he goes to watch. So my point being no friends but quite an active social life but facilitated by us with us joining in a lot. But he is always busy and doesnt feel alone...or at least I hope he doesnt.

What part of the country are you?
What kind of things does he enjoy? Sports, is he academic or more hands on, does he like football, films etc.
Does he use Snapchat or Instagram etc as that seems to be how they all communicate nowadays.

Hopefully at college he will meet similar people and make new friends.