Parental control app - which works best? Teen cutting...

[Beesandthings]

Hi, I’ve name changed if that makes a difference. I suspect I will be blasted for asking but I feel justified in why I am.

I recently found out that my youngest (not even technically a teen - she’s 12) is cutting. I had absolutely no idea, no indication. Nothing. It’s a shock obviously, and I’m trying really hard to do the right thing by her and be supportive. But I want to have some control over what she’s accessing online.

One of her non-school, sport related friends also does it and that’s how I was made aware. They have become super close over the last few weeks, I assume partly because they realised they had this in common.

It’s all very bloody new but from what I’ve read and from the conversations I’ve had so far with DDs school (I contacted the school after I found out, I think the sports body will also do that) I need to make sure she feels safe and loved, accept that she’ll find a way to continue and - assuming she does - make sure I don’t turn it into something to discipline her with, that’s she’s not punished as such. I don’t know if I’m talking sense, but if I come down hard on her then there’s a chance she’ll turn to next-level options. It’s a way of coping for her and until we find a better way for DD to deal with whatever is causing it then I need to take a step back and just be supportive.

That aside I know she’s spending a lot of time online and I want to limit that and ensure DD is not visiting sites that will encourage or escalate her behaviour, or add to any negative emotions that she’s processing. Simply taking her laptop or phone away isn’t going to work, she needs them for school and I don’t want DD to feel isolated from her friends if they message.

DD is aware that I am doing it and is accepting. I will talk through with her what the app does and we will decide what the limits etc will be. It needs to be something that can work on her phone (iOS) and laptop (android).

I’ve googled but some of the top rated apps - quostodio for instance - then have some terrible reviews on trust pilot. Does anyone have experience with either this one, Net nanny or others? Can anyone help?

Safe Lagoon is excellent. You pay each month but it's worth it. It shows all the content of all social media messages/text messages and all the pictures sent/received. Full Google and you tube history minute by minute.
You can disable/block individual apps, block apps at bedtime and it shows the phone location

Thank you so much @fizzypop100

@fizzypop100 does it also show everything on snapchat? My DS wants this but I am very reluctant because can't monitor. I can access his instagram and see that if I need to.

Yes it does 👍

Sign up and pay the extra for the Gallery. The child cannot delete the app.
It has deletion prevention. Fantastic peace of mind for you

@fizzypop100 I’ve checked the website and it says they can’t monitor any messaging on iPhone, which is what I/DD have. I guess you’re using it on android?

I know iOS prevents message monitoring but I think some apps look and notify the parent if key words are used, anything to do with suicide, self harm, bullying etc on iOS. That’s what I’m looking for

You could try M Spy. Google it - it's not an app

No no no no no no no. If your child is self harming what you really really need is trust between the two of you, especially if you only just found out. You could not destroy this trust more than monitering or controlling what she does online. She might not want to access websites or information that would help her or support her, second-guessing herself because she knows you can see what she's doing. Please don't do this.

Just read the rest of the chat and was shocked to see there's discussion of reading messages. This is even worse, what if your daughter doesn't want to reach out to her friends because you'll be notified about the key words?? Will destroy any trust between the two of you and you need trust if you want her to actually talk to you and stop self harming

Speaking as someone who self-harmed at that age, I think that limiting time spent online may be sensible if she's excessive about it, but monitoring what she's doing is a bad idea. I used to chat online to other people who cut and it helped to speak to someone who understood the feelings. I also looked at websites to find alternatives to cutting. Parental controls are useful as a blocking mechanism (a filter to block porn sites, for instance) - but reading her messages is intrusive. It may also feel like a punishment to her.

The internet didn't make me self-harm. Nor did the people I chatted to there. I was absolutely, desperately unhappy and felt trapped and powerless in my life. When my life improved, the habit stopped, because I didn't feel worthless and emotionally drained to the point where cutting made things better.