Hi there, would welcome your opinion about how to navigate my 16yr old daughter's relationship... she has been with her 18 yr old boyf for about a year. He is a sweet lad in lots of ways, however he also seems extremely dependent on her. He moved over here from the caribbean about 4 yrs ago and now lives with an extended family member. She has told me, and he has told my daughter, a little about the traumas he suffered when he was young. As a result he is estranged from all of them. His foster carer has severe mental health problems and recently was sectioned during a psychotic episode. During this time, he left college and took on responsibility for all the bills, rent etc, while also, understandably, being more dependent on my daughter. He works full time in a pub and has few friends. His foster carer is now back living with him, and seems in a more balanced place. She has lots of support with her health. She is nurturing but also canbe v irritable I think when she's feeling unwell. She is v invested in them being together and continually giving her presents. My daughter wants to be with him all the time. When they're not together he becomes very jealous and wants to know where she is and who she's with. Even when she says 'I'm at home with my mum and dad' he sometimes won't believe her and get angry with her for not replying to his messages more quickly. She'll try and reassurre him, and if that doesn't work, he'll get mad. I hear them screaming at each other over facetime. Then he'll back down, be regretful and tell her he doesn't deserve her and that she should break up with him. This makes her even more upset trying to convince him that's not true. Another thing I have an issue with is how his carer is ok with him smoking weed at home, and she also sometimes smokes with him. I know my daughter has got into this too. We have very clear rules at home about not smoking. I
It came to a head this week when she came down with a fever and went to bed early. I heard a buzzing from her room on my way to bed and it was him trying to ring her. She stirred and picked up as I entered. He demanded to know where she'd been. She said I'm ill in bed and have been asleep, he shouted 'you can't have been asleep all this time'. I was in the doorway. Unusually, she let me intervene and say to him, hey there, cool it, she is ill and you've just woken her up.' There have been other times when I've asked him, gently, to give her space. Even though I do this with love, I feel the shame emanating from him. She really wanted him to come over the next day while she was ill, as he was too, and it was his day off. My husband put his foot down and said, no, that's not reasonable. It's hard to know how much it's her desperate to see him, or her feeling the desperation from his need? As at other times she hints at the pressure she feels under, and how guilty she feels for all she has compared to him. I'm finding it really hard to know how much to intervene and how much to let this play out. I'm not sure how much protection she (or he) needs. Sorry this has got so long! But if you've reached the end and have the energy, I would welcome your perspective.