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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Rude and disrespectful

18 replies

Momentsmatter · 04/11/2021 00:18

My DD is almost 18. She's my eldest and I have 3 other DC. Over the past 2 years she's become really rude to me and her Dad and treats us like shit most of the time.

I think she has a pretty good life. She has her own room, we are financially comfortable so while she certainly doesn't get everything she wants, she does get more than enough. She is learning to drive which we pay for too.

I work part time so I'm around a lot of the time for lifts. We will pick her and her friends up whenever she wants and pick her up from work (late on a night). When we go anywhere she is always asked to come but if she doesn't want to then that's fine. I take an active interest in her life but also have my own interests so I'm not living in her pocket.

I do loads for her. Tidy her room occasionally, iron her things when she needs them etc.

I really don't know what to do. She's so lazy and hardly ever helps out. If I ask her to do something for her siblings then she moans.

Tonight she was really rude to me and while I was trying to talk to her, she looked bored and kept rolling her eyes. DH got mad and shouted at her for being disrespectful. It's all a mess.

Any tips out there.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 04/11/2021 00:23

I think you need to take a step back and stop rewarding her rudeness by doing things for her. Let her manage her own life and stop giving lifts. She needs to learn to respect you and by letting her be rude and then being kind you are showing her no boundaries.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/11/2021 00:23

you tidy her room?
no wonder she is lazy

come on dude, stop doing stuff for her that she can do by herself.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/11/2021 00:27

when mine moan at me or refuse to help I remind them that:
A, we are a family and a team. there's no "no" in team
B, I give them a choice: either they help or I will say no to the next 2 things they ask of me. they NEVER dare to risk that!🤣

Anordinarymum · 04/11/2021 00:33

OP Does your daughter have jobs to do to earn the money for the driving lessons?
If she passes her test will you be buying her a car and insuring it?

Is it all being handed to her on a plate?

sunshinelover69 · 04/11/2021 07:35

Agree with the above - she needs to tidy her own room and do other small jobs around the house. Empty the dishwasher. Hang out the washing. Does she have a part time job?

It sounds like she's having everything handed to her on a plate.

TempleofZoom · 04/11/2021 07:38

@Anordinarymum

Absolutely! Take a huge step back and wait for her to come and ask you for things. Which she will need to do politely if she expects a reply. Its basic manners

RedskyThisNight · 04/11/2021 07:56

My teens are told that their side of the bargain for getting things like lifts/phones paid for/general niceness is that they are responsible members of the household.

That means keeping their own rooms tidy (please stop doing that for a 17 year old) and their share of household chores. Plus treating others with respect.

If they don't keep their side of the bargain, then they find that goodwill on our side is quickly retracted.

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 08:08

Ime if she isn't respecting you as her dm then step away from the role! No washing /meals cooked /lifts /cash.. And keep out of her room!!

userg5647 · 04/11/2021 08:23

She's rude to you and yet you're tidying her room, paying for driving lessons and driving her everywhere? Time to stop all of that now, she's an adult, if she's going to act like a petulant child, treat her like one.

I don't even tidy my 7 year old's room!

Original poster

Momentsmatter · 05/11/2021 00:15

She does have a part time job although it's a zero hour contract and sometimes she gets zero. She now pays for any fun stuff she wants to do, make up, non essential clothes herself out of that. She also does some voluntary work.

I probably do too much although I don't tidy her room on a daily basis but do make her bed etc if she's running late in a morning.

She has money put aside to buy a car from her child trust fund and she'll be funding it herself.

She doesn't have any jobs at home to do other than tidy up after herself, pick up her siblings from school occasionally and she makes dinner for everyone sometimes or make a cup of tea.

DH didn't take her to the bus stop this morning, she walked so it's a start and I didn't even go into her room to take out the glass and a mug that was in there.

OP posts:

SandraOhh · 05/11/2021 17:46

Bloody hell she lives like royalty, no wonder she treats you both like shit. Stop doing stuff for her! Don't you want her to be able to fend for herself in the real world? Why are you babying her?

bleachedgusset · 05/11/2021 18:39

Most teenagers are dickheads. I have an 18 year old male one. He got very hard to live with before he moved out to be educated some more. It does sound as though you're doing too much for her. She doesn't get to act that way towards you in your home. Parenting is a thankless task but one day she will appreciate and understand you and your ways.

Make some new rules. Calmly and firmly tell her how it's going to be from now on and stick to them.
I believe in you.

Andi2020 · 05/11/2021 19:18

Don't be tidying her room or taking anything out. If she doesn't take out cups plates tell her no eating in room.
Put a pretend mouse in and say they love mess so you better tidy up.
I have 3 teenagers they take 2 days each in week to do dishes and DH and I share the 7th day.
They see to dog, keep bedrooms tidy change bedding, put on a wash,
Everyone helps out.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 05/11/2021 20:27

Shes 18? Is she at college? Uni? Apprenticeship? Part time job I see.

TravelLost · 05/11/2021 20:32

She doesn't have any jobs at home to do other than tidy up after herself, pick up her siblings from school occasionally and she makes dinner for everyone sometimes or make a cup of tea.

She needs to learn that participating into family life, aka cleaning the table, washing up, load in the washing machine and at the very least simply looking after herself (eg if she is late, no one is going to make up her bed) is a minimum tbh.
The more responsibility she has for herself (with no one to come and save her) the more she will appreciate what you do for her.

One thing that has also helped a lot with my dcs is having their friends thanking me for the lifts. In some ways, it has made appreciating that actually it wasn’t a given but something to be thankful for. I appreciate that’s out if your hands though….

Anordinarymum · 06/11/2021 11:41

@Momentsmatter

I probably do too much although I don't tidy her room on a daily basis but do make her bed etc if she's running late in a morning.

She has money put aside to buy a car from her child trust fund and she'll be funding it herself.

She doesn't have any jobs at home to do other than tidy up after herself, pick up her siblings from school occasionally and she makes dinner for everyone sometimes or make a cup of tea.

DH didn't take her to the bus stop this morning, she walked so it's a start and I didn't even go into her room to take out the glass and a mug that was in there.

Give her a short sharp shock OP. Tell her she will be expected to start doing her own laundry when she is 18. Show her how to behave and appreciate what you have done for her.

waterrat · 10/11/2021 18:16

Maybe worth a chat calmly with her when she is in a good mood. You point out that you deserve respect she is an adult now not a moody 14 year old. Isn't she embarrassed to be roller her eyes like a younger kid.

I can't believe you make her bed !

emma342 · 10/11/2021 19:08

First of all, financial status and having her own room and whether or not she does chores has not much impact on how happy she is. Her mental health could be in whatever state and you wouldn't know. So definitely don't say that she has a good life automatically, especially not to her as it could be really damaging to her that if she's got a lot of problems your don't know about. My 15 year old has had self-harm problems for over 3 years and I only found out a few months ago. Exams were stressing her out and the boy she liked didn't notice her and her friend group was falling apart and she felt super insecure about how she looked, and that's only the stuff she's told me. Turns out she's really good at hiding it and pretending she's fine the whole time. Now, one of my 12 year olds is anorexic, and we're getting her help now but I didn't notice at first - here's the thing, she masked how depressed she was by yelling at me and ignoring me and saying spiteful things. That's how I found out - because clearly there was something going on. Teenagers don't just become "rude and disrespectful", they have a lot of stuff going on that could cause them to be this way. Teenagers' mental health is literally the worst, way worse than it's ever been before. So try talking to your daughter instead of saying she's rude and disrespectful and lazy. Maybe try listening and trying to see her point of view and find out what's going on. Think about why, fix the cause of the problem so there's not a problem anymore, instead of trying to stop the problem in it's tracks. I hope this helped.

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