Self harm as emotional blackmail?

[muldersspeedos]

Dc15 is saying to their dad they are self-harming as a result of being made to do something they don't want to do. Professionals and courts are involved and they have to do it, it's not optional and is not a risk to them at all, they just don't want to do it. There are no mental health issues, the psychiatrist discharged them. They are very open about self-harming and it seems a bit of a trend at school to show cut marks to each other or send photos on Snapchat. School are aware. My experience of working in mental health was that people self-harmed in private and felt ashamed and hid their marks/scars. They didn't take photos and show off their cuts and they certainly didn't do it to try and get out of doing something. To me this seems like emotional blackmail knowing their dad will back down. Does anyone have any experience of this and how to handle it?

I used to self harm as a teen and I did it as a form of attention seeking to communicate to the world how unhappy I was and also because I didn't really have any other form of control over my life. You say they are being made to do something they don't want, this is their way of venting their frustrations and showing their unhappiness. No one likes to be forced into something. Is there any way you can compromise with this activity that they don't want to do?

Compromises have already been made. Dc just refuses.

Self harm can be about lack of control. They don’t feel they have control over an aspect of their life and self harm is a release?

There are no mental health issues, the psychiatrist discharged them

I think you should challenge the psychiatrists decision to dump sign off. At a minimum you should have been referred to a psychologist (psychiatry and psychology being very diffferent fields) as clearly they need support to navigate the weird pressures of modern teenagehood. And you both need parental support.

I understand what you mean about it being fashionable and a kind of social contagion. I might consider stepping up on discipline - post a picture on social media and you lose your phone for 24 hours.

But you also need to increase their self efficacy in areas where they do have control and practice reflective listening and emotional support. Really for something as potentially dangerous as self harm you need to be under the care of a professional.

@thelegohooverer

There are no mental health issues, the psychiatrist discharged them

I think you should challenge the psychiatrists decision to dump sign off. At a minimum you should have been referred to a psychologist (psychiatry and psychology being very diffferent fields) as clearly they need support to navigate the weird pressures of modern teenagehood. And you both need parental support.

I understand what you mean about it being fashionable and a kind of social contagion. I might consider stepping up on discipline - post a picture on social media and you lose your phone for 24 hours.

But you also need to increase their self efficacy in areas where they do have control and practice reflective listening and emotional support. Really for something as potentially dangerous as self harm you need to be under the care of a professional.

Punishing them for self harming by taking away their phone is a terrible idea and will make them feel even more out of control of their life. This is a problem you need to work through WITH them together. It's not about trying to punish them or further isolate them. As parents you need to help them manage their emotions in a healthy way - talk to them about why they do it and what alternative things they can do to manage their anger or frustration! Work with them not against them!

Self harm can certainly be used as emotional blackmail, I was in a relationship with someone who purposely burnt themselves and showed me to try to get me to stay with them (after I found out that the relationship had been emotionally abusive). There will likely be a loss of control over a situation they want to have control over but you cannot give in to the manipulation as it will then confirm to them that this is a successful way to control and manipulate other situations.

There are obviously mental health issues though for them to think that this is a way to handle things. Punishing them is not the answer, they really need professional help to enable them to cope with whatever it is they need to do and to work through why they feel they can't do it and how they can overcome this. I really don't think your son should have been signed off with no further support and would look to get counselling if he will engage and you can afford it.

@Tal45

Self harm can certainly be used as emotional blackmail, I was in a relationship with someone who purposely burnt themselves and showed me to try to get me to stay with them (after I found out that the relationship had been emotionally abusive). There will likely be a loss of control over a situation they want to have control over but you cannot give in to the manipulation as it will then confirm to them that this is a successful way to control and manipulate other situations.

There are obviously mental health issues though for them to think that this is a way to handle things. Punishing them is not the answer, they really need professional help to enable them to cope with whatever it is they need to do and to work through why they feel they can't do it and how they can overcome this. I really don't think your son should have been signed off with no further support and would look to get counselling if he will engage and you can afford it.

Also help with how to deal with situations that they don't have control or full control over.

Hi, sorry you are going through this. As always I will recommend the private Facebook group entitled 'Parenting Mental Health' where issues just like this are commonplace and the support is very strong and understanding. One thing I've learnt is that teenagers who self-harm are not attention 'seeking' but attention 'needing' in that they are trying to draw your attention to the fact they aren't happy, and it may not be for the reason we (or even they) think. As adults we think we have made compromises and given enough attention but clearly something is amiss.
Is the thing DC doesn't want to do related to school?

Self-harm can absolutely be used as emotional blackmail. It can also just be used as a way of expressing feelings and the choice to self-harm rather than express them in a different way (write bad poetry, drink, shout at your parents etc) may be heavily influenced by peers/society. Unfortunately it is so common that mental health services do not always have the capacity to provide support if there is no accompanying mental health problem. If you look at surveys of this age group, a large minority of teenagers are doing it.

PP are right though, it can be dangerous. I would see a break from social media not as a punishment but as a therapy. I would also consider whether alternative schooling would be an option and if you have the money, private family therapy.

This is very interesting to read as my dc aged 16 suffers from suicidal ideation and some self harm. CAMHS say she's on a waiting list but as she is at risk of accidental suicide so we have to be vigilant in checking her. For months we've been just so devastated, so on the advice of camhs, we've just given her everything she wants and taken the all pressure off (I clean her room for her, allow her to see friends any place/ time, allow her to go late to school frequently, etc) We've spent thousands on buying her whatever she wants, private therapy and are awaiting a private psychiatrist assessment (at her request). The whole family walk on eggshells around her as we love her so much and are desperate to prevent her hurting herself.

However in the last few days I've thought that it feels like bad parenting and like we are raising an entitled child who is learning to get what they want through threats of SH. To be frank Im starting to feel manipulated and as if I'm in an abusive and controlling relationship and I have no idea how to be her mum anymore.

I'm sorry I have no solution OP but I understand exactly.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy that's exactly how I feel too and I'm sorry you're going through that. For me my exH has made her into his abusive puppet as he can't abuse me directly anymore. He lets her do whatever she wants and faced with any rules here she's self-harming.

No. Please no.
Self-harm is really serious. Your children is this desperate that they are putting themselves through intense physical pain for whatever reason. Please don't say that it's emotional blackmail. First of all, you don't know for a fact that they have no mental health issues. Psychiatrists aren't always right. I went to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist four different times when I had depression and anorexia as a teenager. None of them diagnosed me with depression anything until finally, on the fourth try. The first time round, even my anorexia wasn't picked up on. Second of all, self-harm varies from person to person on the reason and what they do with it. For me, I cut and burned myself almost every day and it started as a cry for help. I wore short sleeves and desperately hoped someone would pick up on it and approach me and offer me help, but no one did. This just caused it to get worse and eventually I gave up and started self harming privately, except now the reason was that no one had cared when I just needed someone to help me. Many people do this, self harming in public or showing their scars to try to get help, because they don't know how to approach people to ask for help. People also sometimes send pictures of scars to each other on social media because this is where they feel seen and listened to - by other people who self harm. This may seem to trivialise self harm but please remember, whether they are sharing their scars on social media or not, they still made the scars in the first place, and that's still a problem. That still means they're not okay. Saying that this isn't how self-harms works makes it seem like there's only one way people self-harm, and this invalidates a whole lot of people - likely your child too. Finally, maybe just maybe your child is doing this to try not to do this "thing". Why are they so desperate not to do it that they would put themselves through cutting? Speaking from experience it is not only extremely physically painful but very emotionally draining and disturbing for you, every time you cut yourself. Why is your child so desperate not to do this, and should they even be doing it if it's upsetting them so much? And why do they feel so much like they aren't heard/listened to/paid attention to, that they feel they have to cut themself for you/your ex-husband to understand how much they don't want to do this "thing"? And this is all speculating that that's the reason they're self-harming.

Just remember, whatever the reason is, it's still just as big of a problem that they are cutting.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy I guess most of my previous post is in answer to you as well. Your child isn't "entitled" or "getting what she wants using threats of SH", she is really, really not okay and needs help and support - not targeting you on that, I can see from your message you've been giving her that - and she is also the one with the problems. The problems may be affecting you greatly, but they are still her problems. She's still the one who has to deal with all of those problems. And she is definitely, definitely not being abusive by self-harming and being suicidal. Saying self harm is just emotional blackmail trivialises and invalidates it.