My mother is enabling my 14 ur old Daughter to hate me and abuse me

[Mumlove87]

While I admit life is hard I don’t have the perfect home Iam a single mum to 3 kids my 14 ur old daughter has decided to go and live with my mum. My mum resents my since a child since her now ex husband was found guilty or raping me she resent me. She has often told me and my children that it is my fault her marriage broke up.
Last week my daughter spat at me after months of been called names and been ignored by her I did slap her back she then left now my mother is telling her to stay away from me and that I do not love her that I only love my other children. My mum is so toxic I can’t find the words to tell you. But she plays games and makes you think everything is her fault . My daughter wanted to come home but my mother threatened if she left that she would kill her self. I presume they had an argument as all is well again and Iam again the bad one.
Social workers can see right through my mum but however they can not force my daughter home I don’t no how to cope or what to do I love my daughter I want her home but there is a huge rift between us two and we do need to help build our bond again but my mother will not let that happen . I tried to bring my dd to dinner and my mother said she wanted to go so because I refused my daughter didn’t end up coming either outlet because of my mother . I feel like I have an extra child and that my mother expects me to jump to her commands despite all the years of damage she has caused me and siblings. None of our family speak to us because of her so it’s hard for me I have no one and anyone who does no my mother knows she is dangerous loose canon and so stay out of it so therefore Iam left totally alone . I have two younger children and they feel the house is better to live in without older dd attitude and causing arguments but we do miss her and Iam terrified she will grow to hate me given my mother is in her ear all the time about me

didn't want to read and run , it sounds like a really difficult situation. Hopefully someone will be able to offer some advice.

Firstly I wanted to ask if you have ever received counselling for the significant trauma you have received. I am so sorry your mother has abysmally failed to protect and believe you.

However to me I think she sounds like an unsafe person in both you and your kids’ lives. It’s too late with your eldest but I would try and keep contact very low (really only based on your eldest) and keep your youngest two protected.

For your eldest, and all your kids, you should 100% never ever, ever, ever, hit or slap your children. You are playing out the trauma and abuse you received on your children. Please access counselling as soon as you can and be totally honest about what has happened.

And then, she is 14 and I don’t think you can make her come home. What you can do is love her fiercely and openly. You know she’s probably frightened and confused, upset, in turmoil and missing you and her sisters in some way. And she’s a teenager, full of hormones and figuring herself out.

Stop getting so angry. Try and understand things from her perspective. Tell her how much she is loved and wanted. She may choose to return, or not, but she will be your daughter forever and repair can happen in adulthood too. It’s much more likely if you access good therapy, get properly angry with your mother, forgive yourself, but also recognise your role in what has happened with your daughter and sincerely apologise for times you’ve hurt her or let her down.

And when I say, get angry with your mother, I mean in the presence of your therapist or in private thoughts, not in shouting or aggression. That is still engaging with her where I suspect you might need to accept she’ll never be the mother you needed or deserved and put your emotional energy elsewhere.

How are you all doing now OP?