Can anyone else not relate to their teen as they are SOOOOO different to them?

[Whosaidthattt]

DH and I are quite introvert, academic, non- argumentative, have worked hard to achieve a comfortable life, have a few friends but not loads, keep to ourselves mostly and enjoy being together.

Our DC, 13, is everything we are not. Super good looking, confident, cool, sneers at the uncool kids (who would have been us), hates and is failing at school, is rude to teachers, gets detentions regularly, causes arguments at home, does not adhere to curfews, ignores any rules we impose, sneaks in phones from friends if we confiscate his. You get the picture.
He is causing chaos and upset in our home for his younger DS.
I genuinely can't believe he is our offspring as he brings us absolutely no pleasure at all.
Has anyone else had this? How are you dealing with it? We are lost!!

Kids gotta rebel.

He may sense you don't like him so he's looking for reassurance elsewhere.

Imagine that your own parents despaired of you for being too quiet, anti-social, not fun, death of the party, boring. How would you like them to have dealt with you?

Tricky. My friend is eye rolling as her and her Dh were “the good ones” as teens well behaved and easy going with strong worthy interests but her 15 year old is really putting them through it whilst their extended family who were the naughty ones as youngsters have homebody introvert teens.

Ours are very similar to us. Dd1 is basically Dh in teen girl form which is very sweet.

My DS is now 40. I look back and feel sad I, with some input from DH, were so hard on him, angry, critical. Not always just occasionally.
We weren't evil parents but did show disappointment (he didn't work at school though to be honest neither me or DH were that hard working).
I think it's the same has having a difficult toddler - no one teaches us how to parent we were floundering. Just be as patient and nice as you can be. I don't think it will do harm, more likely good.
They still grow into (probably) sensible adults.
Looking back I can see some similarities to DH's behaviour at that age which I didn't realise at the time (not knowing much about his teens).

Can you make some time to do a phone free activity together? One on one?

I bet he can tell you're not enjoying being around him and it's probably making his behaviour worse. Try and find a way to spend some time you do enjoy around him.

Yes I can empathise!
Struggling with DS 13.5 big time.

He’s loud, almost aggressive at times in his manner and very very persistent when he has a bee in his bonnet about something he wants to buy/ have.

At present, he wants an e scooter. We have told him they are not road legal etc, but goes on and on about it.

He is constantly running myself, DD and partner down. In his eyes he is better than all of us!

Currently we are visiting my parents whom we haven’t seen since pre pandemic. He is still running us all down in front of them. I am struggling with menopause right now and relations between my self and DP are fragile. He makes a point of telling my parents how we ‘argue/ don’t hug and generally don’t act like his mates parents towards each other. Frankly I could wring his neck right now as I’ve had enough of him!

We try very hard, but it’s never enough.

What lljkk said. For your own sanity, try the PACE approach (from therapeutic parenting)- playfulness, acceptance, curiosity & empathy. It takes the conflict out of many interactions so you can save it for the really big issues.

I heard a philosopher on radio 4 this morning, highly educated, who said parenting is the ultimate lesson in humility and realising you do not create replications of yourselves but people in their own right who you have to get to know & love on that level. It was so simply put, but it comes down to: you cannot change who the child is but you can change how you relate to them.

Good luck as it sounds a bit sad for all of you right now.

Sort of.
I always wanted to fit in and look like everyone else. I’m also not academic, but any strength I have is in the humanities.

DD - and DS to some extent - are v much not interested in ‘fitting in’, they have their own styles that have changed over the years too. Sometimes I cringe at their charity shop purchases 😆 I don’t get why you’d want to dress like an 80s relic! They are both much better looking than I was but don’t really make the most of it, which I find frustrating as I’ve always tried to enhance my (few) attributes. Why would you not?

They are also both brainiacs on the science side, def not inherited from me.

Sometimes my mouth runs away with me when they show me some weird item
Of clothing they like but I try to not comment too much as no doubt their styles will change again. In fact DD has gone through so many ‘phases’ and actually has quite a cool individual style now (we won’t talk about the tattoos!! - dw, she’s over 18).

It will get better OP. Your influence as kind, considerate and humble people will pay off. He’s just testing boundaries. Secondary school makes them like it I think, the environment is super competitive and so kids adopt a ‘do or die’ attitude. The real world will knock it out if him. Just be there and stoically show the way. He needs to know you approve of him. Perhaps he feels you don’t and is therefore over compensating??

I had never thought of the ‘ do or die’ concept Mynameis.. that explains a lot! I think secondary schools is brutal personally and could explain a lot of teen behaviours and attitudes.

I'm the opposite, I was an awful teen and my dd15 is very studious and academic. I never ever have to tell her to do her homework or chores. She is a complete homebody whereas I was out all of the time.

Ds is more like me but doesn't have a lot to rebel against as we like the same awful rap and drum and base.

Thanks for all the advice. We have already clashed today as I said no to him wanting £160 trainers, when he has done nothing over half term- no homework, no helping out around the house, no tidying up after himself.
Mynameis you are so right about school. It is not the place for him. He wants to leave at 16 although God knows what he is going to do!
He knows that I don't approve of him. I find it so hard to find anything to approve of! He won't do anything with me and won't put his phone down.

Maybe it's about management to give some choices and independence to him, whilst helping you also have some control.

Something like the trainers. I managed by setting an amount I was prepared to pay up to.
Anything over, my DS's knew they could pay themselves.

It took the pressure off me, it gave them some control and responsibility. If they wanted expensive trainers they needed to contribute from their saved birthday money or 'chores earned' money. ( actually it was amazing how many times they decided for themselves that they didn't want the super expensive trainers, when it took a contribution from their own money rather than just spending mine 😉)

Yes

My almost 13 year old is nothing like myself or DH which I sometimes find hard, but need to remind myself that he is his own person and has a mix of genetics from both families!!

He doesn't cause us issues but his attitude to school and homework is opposite to what I was like (I hated being told off and ajways did my homework)

Do you know what DH and his siblings were like at 13?
When my DD got to 30 I realised how similar she was in some ways, attitude to life, ways of thinking, to DH. I met DH when he was 30 so that is when it clicked.

Being a parent is one way we as parents, as adults, grow up. You are supposed to grow wisdom depth and humility as a parent. Try reflecting and understanding a little more, and judging a lot less. Your son feels every single atom of your dislike of him.

I'm surprised that anyone would expect their teenage children to be very like them! I remember as a teenager wanting to totally distance myself from everything that interested my parents.

I was a total sociable party animal - my mum was a book reading introvert - isn't that a normal situation ? I think my mum did find it hard actually to parent me as she had been such a good as gold teen herself and now I was off clubbing all night long at 15 and behaving in a totally out of control way!

to cheer you up OP - I am 43 now and perfectly sensible and often have chilled out lunches with my mum (we still disagree a lot though!)

I think I have been very fortunate tbh. My dd is like a carbon copy of me in many ways - we have the same interests, the same interpretation of situations, the same way of thinking about things. However, she seems to have all my good qualities and none of my bad ones - she is so much more secure and confident than I ever was. In so many ways, I guess she is the kid I always wanted to be.

It must be hard to have a child that you struggle to relate to, but as others have said, it's important to accept them for who they are.

@MultiStorey

A op said Your influence as kind, considerate and humble people will pay off.

And in your next post.

He knows that I don't approve of him. I find it so hard to find anything to approve of! He won't do anything with me and won't put his phone down.

Which is such an awful thing for a parent to say about their child. Why can’t you love the child you have?

I am also going to ask what you were thinking with the trainers? Why would you reinforce the Link between the quality of clothing he can be bought to his school performance. Why would you monetize that, and show that your love for him is conditional?

I have no idea what you think your strategy is here? He is a different person to you, he has no interest in school and your job is help him navigate his way in the world taking those facts into account, and stopping the self congratulations of the first paragraph.

The reality is your life would make him feel dead inside. You know that perfectly well, and the fact you still push it on him starts to look like it is a deliberate ploy as punishment for non-compliance.

This, only this, he's your child