Unhappy Daughter

[EstebanMendoza]

I would like some ideas to make my (15 year old) daughter happy. She is depressed and generally unhappy with her relationship with both of us parents especially (and life in general), and want to escape. She is especially unhappy when at home with us, tends to be a bit better when she is with other people.

She generally won't talk to me - at least not a proper conversation. I need to either find a way to help her without talking to her or to find a way to get her to talk to me. I´ve already tried obvious stuff like inviting her out places, trying to get her to do an activity, spending time with her in the hope she spontaneously opens up, asking her if she prefers to talk later etc. None of that works.

She generally stays in her room and usually won´t do anything without a screen except when we limit screen time.

She will very rarely go in the garden, or do anything to do with nature, or do any exercise, unless absolutely forced to do. She doesn´t want to do anything outside the house, unless it is seeing her one close friend, or going to the mall, or maybe seeing some other family.

It seems to be getting worse and steadily more serious over time.

Her behaviour is OK, but her attitude is poor, and she is disrespectful when speaking to us.

We have already been to a psychologist once, and have some other appointments coming up, but I don´t want to rely on only that.

Didn’t want to read and run 🍫 🍷 💐 🤗 for you. I have similar with DD16. It got very much worse during the first lockdown and hasn’t got drastically better since. I have no advice really I have tried doing things with her on my own and she will occasionally come under out under sufferance if cake or chocolate is on offer. She hasn’t said she is unhappy but treats us both with disrespect, contempt and loathing especially me.
She only seems happy or excited very occasionally or when she is going out to meet up with her best friend or in a conversation in a game with her on the ipad or phone (she may or may not be in a relationship with her). We rarely see her as she spends most of her time in her bedroom. She will have a meal with us but won’t eat what we are eating (she has a very restrictive diet and only eats bland beige food). I think she would rather boil her eyeballs than talk to or confide in me. I could maybe understand her attitude a little if I had moved in on her dad and was an evil step mum but I am her real mum and love her to bits. I have backed off a lot recently as she has made it explicitly clear that is what she wants. From time to time she is jealous of her academic brother and I have tried to reassure her but that didn’t work. Any conversation on any subject that I/we try to have with her (whether in the car or out for a walk or in a cafe is very one sided and she just closes it off and shuts it down even if open ended questions etc). As DD wouldn’t even admit anything is amiss she won’t go to the doctor or speak to a counsellor and she has basically checked out of our family. At her school a very large comp she is quiet avoids any unwanted attention so sails under the radar with the teachers not knowing her or noticing anything is amiss. Her bedroom is a dirty disgusting mess. She refuses to tidy it up or put clothes or towels in the wash or make her bed etc. I work part time from home so tidy it up when she is at school.

Good luck and take care OP 💐 🍫 🍷

It might be a silly question, OP, but have you asked her what you could do to help?

What do school say about her behaviour ?

It’s a little thing but I try to compliment at every possible opportunity (often through gritted teeth). You want to make her want to be with you, even if only for a little bit.
I’m really nice to my dd. I tidy her room occasionally, put fresh flowers in there (she appreciates that that’s a nice thing to do), I don’t nag her and I generally don’t make her do stuff she doesn’t want to do. Some things are non negotiable but I try to limit them.

In return she’s pretty good, reasonably happy, she keeps me informed about where she is and what she’s up to etc., and occasionally we go away together for a weekend. It’s not perfect by any means but it works for us at the moment.
Talk/ask about what her friends are up to/tik Tok videos/ films she watches etc. At this age it really is all about them

What are her complaints about you and her dad?
I am because although this behaviour could be down to a huge number of different things, you need to rule out the obvious ones.
E.g. her dad is wanting her to go to uni but she doesn't want to, you don't approve of her friends/clothes/hair etc.
If you relationship "should" be good but isn't then she may need professional help or support from school. It's good that you are concerned, maybe chat to her school form tutor as a good start.

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

It’s a little thing but I try to compliment at every possible opportunity (often through gritted teeth). You want to make her want to be with you, even if only for a little bit. I’m really nice to my dd. I tidy her room occasionally, put fresh flowers in there (she appreciates that that’s a nice thing to do), I don’t nag her and I generally don’t make her do stuff she doesn’t want to do. Some things are non negotiable but I try to limit them.

In return she’s pretty good, reasonably happy, she keeps me informed about where she is and what she’s up to etc., and occasionally we go away together for a weekend. It’s not perfect by any means but it works for us at the moment.
Talk/ask about what her friends are up to/tik Tok videos/ films she watches etc. At this age it really is all about them

Good advice.

Our Dd hates us smiling at her or saying something nice to her i.e. your hair looks nice like that, you really suit that colour, you did really well in your X test, you did a good job of X etc. Also hates it when we ask about friendships show an interest in her or her life she gets sneery or pulls a face. She will only tell us little snippets on her terms.

Gizmo, your situation seems similar to ours.

I have asked her what I can do to help, but she doesn't come up with any new solutions or whatever we try doesn't seem to work. Lately, she's reluctant to even talk about it.

The school are involved but haven't come up with much either. Academically should does well at school, although slightly down on years ago, but her participation is class is not great.

I do try to compliment but I could do better. Thanks for the tip.

Some of the issue is wanting to be left alone and little things, e.g. complaining if she can hear the TV in another room.

I think she would prefer if my wife was more effusive as she can be quite cool so there is a personality difference but there is not much I can do about that.

I spoke to my Mom and one thing she thought 9.30 pm for a 15 year old is too early for a weekday bed time. We have disagreements about that because she does go to bed at about the time but then a while later gets up and wanders around and has a drink. 9.30 seems right to me given that we have to leave the house to go to school at 7.40, so she has to be up at 7.00. And doesn't exactly spring out of bed in the morning.

Personally I think imposing a 9.30 bedtime on a 15yo who’s not ready for bed is asking for trouble. It’s one of those things I kind of leave up to her.
I don’t care what time she goes to bed/sleep. I do care that she’s up and ready to leave at an appropriate time for us - she then has to manage her bedtime. Her phone goes off at 11 which she doesn’t like but accepts for this year, next year I suspect we’ll renegotiate.

@Gizmo98765 ime my teens hate it when they think we’re trying too hard, so any compliments or attention have to be almost offhand, or throw away comments. If they’re focused on too hard, by having to take part in conversations or by being complimented, they feel really uncomfortable and withdraw.
It’s a balancing act, that’s for sure.

Imposing a fixed bedtime on a 15yo seems quite controlling to me. Most just sleep when they're tired at that age. I wonder if your dd feels that you and your wife haven't fully recognised that she is no longer a small child? That's often a significant source of conflict between parents and their teens. She'll be an adult in less than 3 years. Maybe it's time to acknowledge that she's growing up a bit?

When you say that your wife is not effusive, what does that mean exactly? Does she show your dd affection?

Oh no bedtime for a 15 year old, that's terrible. I'd be depressed to

9:30pm yes to be home on weekday

No teenager gets out of bed easily.

9.30 bedtime is far too early and restrictive. She needs to be given some responsibility for her own well being and her own life so she should be able to choose her own bedtime.
If you want the living room for adults only you could ask her to go upstairs at 9.30 or to stay out of the living room but she should be learning how to make her own decisions otherwise she will struggle when she leaves home.
She's 15, she's not a child. Perhaps consider treating her like a teenager who is on the cusp of being a young adult.

Effusive mum sounds very sad. Are you the dad OP? Having a cold mum can't be easy, are you the only parent to actually engage her and acre for her?

*care

Yes, I am the Dad.

I googled it and the definition of effusive is "showing or expressing gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner". I think that is pretty good definition, that is what I was trying to say.

Thanks for your comments on the bedtime. I will have a think about it.

@EstebanMendoza, I know what effusive means, but it's hard to tell from what you've written whether your wife is actually quite cold and unable to show any real affection for your dd or whether she is warm and loving but just not the gushy type. There is a big difference.

If your wife struggles to express any real love or warmth towards your child, then this is almost certainly at the heart of your dd's unhappiness. It will impact on her self esteem, her relationships, everything.

We can't really help unless you tell us a bit more about what you actually mean.