Generally drained with hard work teen

[Didntknowitwouldbethishard]

I'm so drained with ds 13. Life feels such a slog these days with him.

It's half term and for the first time I'm not enjoying the holidays at all really.

He's rude to us most of the time, yesterday he told dh to piss off. We'd asked him to do something and after several times asking and being told in a minute dh said he'd just do it himself to which ds responded "oh piss off". So he had his devices taken for the day.

He's got no motivation to do anything at all whatsoever other than play Xbox, he moans about going anywhere if it doesn't involve food or buying him something.

He doesn't take care of his things, his personal hygiene, the house. He wrecks his own things then takes his younger brothers stuff.

He stamps his feet like a toddler. He acts like a toddler in shops winding his younger brother up, insisting that it's 'his turn' to push the trolley, picking things up that he shouldn't.

I could go on all day but I'm just sick of him. His younger brother ends up missing out because we end up not doing things because of ds1 behaviour.

When we go anywhere he causes argument over the slightest thing down to which way we are going. Telling us that he knows everything and is ready for all the time.

I feel like I'm a complete waste of space as a parent and at times I'd be better off not here.

The thoughts of the next few years being like this feel unbearable.

You've hit the nail on the head with the toddler references. I've been through this with three of the buggers and still am to a certain extent with dd16.

Firstly, you are not a waste of space, this is just how teens make us feel, sadly. Your ds needs you more now than he ever has. He's just got the shitty teen way of showing it. He's displaying normal behaviour for his age. It's hideous and can feel like you're grieving the child that once was but he's still there deep down.

I would advise spending some time looking through the threads on here. It helped me so made and made me feel less alone to know others were going through the same thing.

Picking your battles is probably the best piece of advise I had. Turn a blind eye to the lesser annoying things and save the battles for big stuff.

You and dh have to be a tight team to parent ds. Myself and dh got good at spotting when one of us was struggling and taking over before it became too heated. Ds needs barriers and they need to be secure. If he spots weakness he will exploit it and you'll lose control fast.

When ds is having a good day take advantage of it and talk about what's been happening and try to get him to understand how his behaviour affects the whole family. Maybe take him out alone and do something more adult with him.

It might seem like the last thing you want to do but teens need a LOT of praise. He might do one nice thing in a month of being a little shit but praise the heck out of him.

It's not forever, I promise. Make sure you look after yourself and keep telling yourself it's just hormones and peer pressure. At some point your ds will come through it and be grateful that you were there for him through it all

@LagneyandCasey

You've hit the nail on the head with the toddler references. I've been through this with three of the buggers and still am to a certain extent with dd16.

Firstly, you are not a waste of space, this is just how teens make us feel, sadly. Your ds needs you more now than he ever has. He's just got the shitty teen way of showing it. He's displaying normal behaviour for his age. It's hideous and can feel like you're grieving the child that once was but he's still there deep down.

I would advise spending some time looking through the threads on here. It helped me so made and made me feel less alone to know others were going through the same thing.

Picking your battles is probably the best piece of advise I had. Turn a blind eye to the lesser annoying things and save the battles for big stuff.

You and dh have to be a tight team to parent ds. Myself and dh got good at spotting when one of us was struggling and taking over before it became too heated. Ds needs barriers and they need to be secure. If he spots weakness he will exploit it and you'll lose control fast.

When ds is having a good day take advantage of it and talk about what's been happening and try to get him to understand how his behaviour affects the whole family. Maybe take him out alone and do something more adult with him.

It might seem like the last thing you want to do but teens need a LOT of praise. He might do one nice thing in a month of being a little shit but praise the heck out of him.

It's not forever, I promise. Make sure you look after yourself and keep telling yourself it's just hormones and peer pressure. At some point your ds will come through it and be grateful that you were there for him through it all

Bang on @LagneyandCasey. This is great advice.

Ah the dreaded 12-15 ish years! They're a bloody nightmare. They know everything. You can tell them nothing. They're heinously rude, untidy, sometimes smelly (until first love strikes..😂😂). It's a hideous period in their growth and you think it will never end. But, guess what? It does. My almost 17 year old still has his smart arse moments but he is slowly maturing into a pleasant, funny young man that I enjoy spending time with. Hang in there. Your boy will come back to you.

Thank you for replying. You honestly don't know how much I've needed to hear all that, lately I feel that I've been failing big time and this is very reassuring.

@LagneyandCasey some really good advice there, I'm going to refer back to this if we are having a bad day.

It's all low level stuff but it feels constant and can be hard to find the positives.

I've been reading the "why my teenager is upset today" thread. I always swore I'd be a great parent once he was a teen, so prepared, understanding, patient. How clueless I was.

I hear you! Hold tight, we've got this x

I hear you!
My DS 13.5 is the same.
I hate parenting him, I’m shite at it right now and can’t imagine 3 months, let alone 3/4/5 years of this!

You are not alone.

I get it completely and I feel your pain. I have a similar thread running at the moment! I'm done!

@LagneyandCasey excellent post, I totally agree.

OP I feel for you, it’s bloody hard work with teens sometimes. We had 2 relatively easy teens but boy are we paying for it now with Dd3 (14.5). Rude, sullen, demanding, self entitled… I could go on. She hates Dh for no apparent reason, he’s a kind caring father but she’s just taken a dislike to him.

Definitely pick your battles. We try and ignore attitude, eye rolling and other annoying stuff, we take a harder line on swearing and breaking family rules.

My ds is 13 and sounds pretty similar. This morning we told him we were going to buy him a new mobile phone as his current one is getting really old...his response..."fine". He is also rude most of the time...I once asked him if he could take his plate into the kitchen and he asked me if I thought he was my slave . Dear lord... sadly I'm teetotal so can't even reach for the wine

It's all low level stuff

Yes exactly. In the grand scheme of things, my ds isn't too awful...he gets himself to school on time...does his work, doesn't ever get into trouble a school, only goes out to play football, doesn't hang round with the wrong crowd...no drink, cigarettes, drugs thank heavens. As my DH describes it, it's all micro aggression, so giving us dirty looks, sighing and tutting if he hears us talking, rolling his eyes if we speak to him, deliberately taking ages if asked to do anything. It's so draining.

@Comedycook I am also pretty much teetotal but I’m thinking of taking up drinking 😂

That was probably the worst age for me 13/14, now they are 16 and 20 and good company ( most of the time !)
It is just another stage, it will come and it will go.
Ignore what you can , try and stay calm, praise good behaviour, make sure you keep that sense of humour, don't let his moods absorb yours. You take good care of you, l found going out for a nice walk or doing some gardening very therapeutic.
Sometimes doesn't hurt to step back abit, give him his space and do something you enjoy doing. You sound like a fantastic mum, and one day he will be telling you the same.

Yup, revisit of toddler years with sex, drugs & rock and roll TikTok thrown in for good measure.

Look for chances to praise & give warm fuzzies in the moments he's not being a PITA. If he goes in the space of 30 seconds from venomous comment to earnestly nicely asking for your help or saying the wittiest funniest thing -- then roll with it. You don't want to spoil any potential good moments, fleeting as they are.

In the list (of petty crap) OP gave, the only one I could imagine going firm on is DON'T TOUCH YOUR BROTHER'S STUFF. It shouldn't be so hard to get him to agree that this is an inviolable principle.

@Comedycook yes are you absolutely right to look at the bigger picture. We have the additional stress of dd being autistic so double whammy right now with the teen traumas. But… I try and look for the positives - she’s at school (not always the case with autistic kids), has friends, schoolwork is going ok, goes out and socialises and no issues with alcohol/drugs/smoking.