How to have important conversation with teenager without him flying off the handle.

[MrsWorriedMother]

I really need some advice as to how I break down a barrier that I just cannot seem get through.

DS is 17. Every single time I try and start a conversation about anything important he shuts me down and a lot of time flies off the handle.

He will not have his Covid vaccinations. Fine. His choice but asked him if he has looked at guidelines for country we want to go on holiday to next year. Totally shut conversation down and got really defensive and stormed off.

Trying to talk to him about uni/UCAS/apprenticeships. Won't even start the conversation. Stormed off.

Mention a-levels (he's in year 13) storms off and slams door.

How do you give advice and talk to teenagers if they just won't even start a conversation?

I know it's probably a sign that he's anxious about it all but how can I help him if he won't talk to me. I have mentioned possibly depression but he shuts that down too

I am not nagging him. I just try and talk to him.

I find conversations in the car work wonders. No eye contact so they get less defensive and they can’t storm off!

I have a yr13 that moans "I'm so tired!" if we try to talk UCAS.

And how it's impossible to choose a course.
sigh
I count situations as success if he at least is willing to sometimes try to talk about these things.

I'm not one to try to manage their life. I'd be realistic about what I can achieve. So in those areas:

A-levels: "can I help?... ok, I'll take that as a No. But please know I'm always available to help out if you think I can."

UCAS: "Just let me know if I can help with the application" and put it out of your mind.

Holiday -- decide what you want to do & tell him how your plan will affect him. You're allowed to go on holiday without him, I reckon.

Be side by side while walking / in the car and try not to ask questions- I know it's very hard! - but instead state facts and wait for a grunt response? Eg:

" I read in the news that A Level X (insert one of his subjects) is one of the hardest.."

"My friend's son is at X uni and loves it"

"I remember how stressful my UCAS application was."

This works sometimes with my grumpy teens. Good luck OP.

Do you ever text/WhatsApp.,,might be a way of opening up a convo,,,

I hope these aren’t daft but I’ve not had a teenager yet; I remember it being hell myself and also saw my brothers turn horrible to my parents so here’s a few clutching at straws ideas:

• just book a uni open day and take him for the day out, no discussion just go and spend the day in silence if needs be but he’ll at least get some food for thought!
• does he have a sense of humour? Could you communicate non verbally by notes on fridge for example. Could you turn it into a bit of a joke for example.
• do you spend any time together doing things just together that are fun/enjoyable. I was so desperate to spend time with my mum and she never did. I wish so badly now she had done an activity with me just us two. I hear now friends doing a ‘Christmas weekend with their mum’ every year for example as a tradition they share.. I’ve never done this and I wish so badly my mum had been ‘my friend’ aswell as my mum. Could you find an activity you can do to relax and enjoy spending time together without pressure of important talks (at least initially!).
• is there anyone else who can address some of these topics with him- school/careers/another relative? Someone you know well but who is not close enough to be walked over in the same way parents can be!

I don’t think there’s a magic answer to teenage years but honestly from what I saw with my brothers I think survival is success! My brother was awful In sixth form and only realised the point when he went to uni which he enjoyed. So maybe if you visited some uni’s it would offer a bit of inspiration! Good luck. Xo

How do you give advice and talk to teenagers if they just won't even start a conversation?

You can't. You need to build some relationship first. Something has gone wrong to get to this stage, if you can work out what it is you may be able to claw things back.

Does he come back to you when he's calmed down? That's the important thing at his age.
If you are as patient as you sound, he will come back to you in general, but unfortunately he will have to feel the effects of having ignored your counsel to come to this realisation that mum's concern and advice is for good reason.
Don't give up. I was like a broken record with mine and he always "comes back" now and I quite like him.

With ds, it is massively important to
make sure he has recently eaten. So I would tend to bring up these things at the end of dinner.

If that's not enough to enable him to have a proper conversation then I try "I would like to talk to you about X. When is a good time to do that?" And then remember to actually do it .

And I say "if we can do this calmly, it will all be over in 10 mins, but of you whinge it's going to take longer"

And I try to do little bits at a time.

Thank you so much everyone.

We actually have quite a good relationship otherwise I think.

Always comes down and apologises for shouting, he always says I love you at the end of a phone conversation.

We do gossip and chat and watch films together etc. I quite enjoy his company and as a family we still eat dinner together on a Sunday and go out for dinner / lunch fairly often.

Have tried the car thing but that didn't work. I have also texted him.

I really think he is quite stressed about it all but he just won't talk about it.

He talks about girls etc and other potentially awkward conversations just not exams, Uni or Covid.

My mum never talked ucas with me. Did it all at college.

Another suggesting the car!
My 16 yr old ds isn't much of a talker but I find a trip to the drive thu McDonald's almost always works when we need to chat!

Have you ever asked him not to be so fucking rude? I would.

I thought I’d invented the talking in cars technique!
Comments not questions are good. He sounds very typical and sweet!

He's got too much on, too many decisions. It's exhausting with a teen brain.
Take a few away for him.

'We're going to Corfu. You'll need your vax if you want to come.'
'There're appointments next week. I'll book one if you want it.'

Bigger ones try 'when do you want to talk about a levels, deadline is three weeks'.

'What are you doing about uni'

If the question is long and waffley, because you've softened it to avoid being confrontational, he might lose the will to live before you get to it. Keep it short and sweet.

Just remember if he doesn't go straight to uni it's not the end of the world. Gap years even just to work casually may he what he needs. I went full time at my part time job for a year and had a stress free year before going to uni. I couldn't decide on a course and getting the right grades etc. By waiting a year meant I knew what grades I had too so got an unconditional offer and could prepare myself earlier for going to uni.

@clockover

How do you give advice and talk to teenagers if they just won't even start a conversation?

You can't. You need to build some relationship first. Something has gone wrong to get to this stage, if you can work out what it is you may be able to claw things back.

This.

That point about too many decisions is a good one.

Unfortunately for my lad UCAS application (decisions) alone is too many, think I should start my own thread. Am I right to think the ordinary first deadline is mid-January? DH reckons DS won't organise anything before August 2022, if then.

I feel your pain as also have a DS the same age. Sometimes it’s like walking on eggshells!
Re ucas, school should have deadlines as to when they need the draft form/personal statement. Even if he misses it this year he can have a gap year, maybe he’s not ready.

A levels - that’s their affair unless they need help. What my ds is doing is way beyond my capabilities so if he needs help he needs to ask school or ask me to find a tutor. He knows he can ask.

Holiday - if he’s not vaxxed then he’s old enough to be left! My ds was reluctant to get it but came round in the end. I left the nagging for a bit but when another nhs letter came he decided to have it. It does need to be their decision ultimately.

I find car, walking, any distraction/activity better for ‘serious’ talking. Helps our relationship if I show interest in what he’s doing or watching on TV - we at least have point of entry then.
Worst time to talk is after school or first thing when he’s tired 😴

My daughter is in year 13. She won't talk about UCAS either. I don't think she iscready either