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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How can I stop her from nicking stuff?

47 replies

SquonkaClaus · 10/12/2007 10:34

Hiding chocolate and biscuits works, but I can't hide everything

It's petty and silly stuff and I really wouldn't mind if she asked, but she just takes and it is getting to be a real problem.

eg: she took the ribbon that I was going to wrap round the Christmas prezzies. She hung it in her room with her christmas cards on. I would have let her have it, or something similar if she had asked.

she takes my make up if I don't hide it away.

She nicked my gloves because her hands were cold. If she'd asked, I would have gladly given her my gloves, bought her a pair, whatever, but she just took them.

She ate her brother and sister's chocolate coins. (she had her own packet, she just ate her siblings' as well)

I've tried talking to her, I've tried yelling at her, I've tried reasoning with her, I've tried stealing it back when she's not in her room, I've tried nicking her stuff. Anyone got any other ideas?

OP posts:

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 11/12/2007 10:01

Thing is, they don't recognise or accept it as stealing.

Teenagers are totally self-obsessed. The universe is them, their needs, wants and desires.

They see - they want - they take.

They are aware in a floaty, distant way that you claim it is yours - but it's only you and yours means theirs and they can have whatever they want if it is in the posession of any family member. If you object, they genuinely can't understand why you are being so unreasonable. It must be because you hate them.

I suppose ask them if they would go into Boots and take something, or if they'd go next door and take something, and (assuming they say no) ask them why that is. (if they say yes, losing your lippie is the least of your problems) Get them to work through it themselves.

".....Good. And why would you get arrested....that's right, because you took something that wasn't yours...and what do we call that?...That's right.....so why do you think it is ok to take my things?"

Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 11/12/2007 10:12

I did that one, Hekate.

It turns out that she wouldn't steal lippie from boots because it's "well, it's wrong innit" and she wouldn't help herself to chocolate in her mate's house because "it's not mine!" but it's ok to take stuff off me or our family, because...

"dunno"

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Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 11/12/2007 10:13

you're dead right about her not seeing anything wrong in it, and she always thinks I'm having a go at her when I mention anything.

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goingfriggincrazy · 11/12/2007 10:37

Ours won't EVEN admit to the stealing-even when we've caught her red handed..thinking back she's always had this attitude that she can take what she likes from us,she was about 6 when she climbed onto the kitchen top and got the christmas crackers down from the cupboards and carefully removed ALL the bits from inside and put them back without our knowledge.

Our crackers were sh*t on christmas day-all bloody empty...

Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 11/12/2007 13:16

if that wasn't so bloody awful, it would be quite hilarious!

And the awful thing is... you might have bought defective crackers, but you can't take them back to the shop, because you automatically assume that dd has nicked the lot. (at least that's what it's like in our house) and it doesn't matter how much she protests her innocence, we just don't believe her.

And when a twenty quid note went missing from our bedroom, and she denied all knowledge, I didn't believe her, and when I found it on the floor, I presumed that she had sneaked back into my roon and put it there so we wouldn't punish her.

I still don't know whether she took it and replaced it, or whether we just couldn't see it at the time.

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peach125 · 12/12/2007 10:50

I'm really pulling my hair out and very upset with my daughter, (13). She is the same as all the examples you have given but she took £40 form my purse on Saturday and for the last 3 days I thought I'd gone mad, serching all my bags for it wondering where it had gone. She denied any knowledge when asked yesterday but I've now found the receipts for £54 worth of rubbish she bought in town on Saturday. I'm tempted to call the police I'm so upset by it all.

Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 12/12/2007 10:56

oh peach! it's awful what they do to us.

Looking on the bright side - are the receipts for stuff that she may have bought you for Christmas? Or her friends maybe? Dd1 is getting increasingly worried that I won't give her any money to buy her mates presents. I will, of course but she doesn't yet know this so is getting a bit antsy.

The only thing that I can suggest (and if I had all the answers, I wouldn't have started this thread ) is that you hide your money. Tis a bloody awful thing to do, but if she gets into the habit of nicking stuff off you she will carry on.

And I don't know whether you should confront her with the receipts or not. Keep them though so you've got them whatever you decide to do.

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goingfriggincrazy · 12/12/2007 10:58

I would call the local community officer Peach get them around and have a good talking too-that is alot of money ..I'd ground her arse too and take anything away that she has also...tv,stereo,pc etc

peach125 · 12/12/2007 11:00

We went through the hiding money stage and confronted her with this previously and really thought we had gotten through to her! I didn't want to think it was her again!! I know I can't face her on my own so off to call the hus for support.

goingfriggincrazy · 12/12/2007 11:02

I've tried the softly softly approach for far too long now..it didn't make a blind bit of difference.

Take it all back to the shops(if you can find the items she purchased)and take her with you while you do this..

Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 12/12/2007 11:03

now that's a good idea - how mortifying!

"I need to return this item because my daughter stole money off me in order to buy it and I don't want it"

I will definitely remember that one.

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goingfriggincrazy · 12/12/2007 11:06

excately Squonk...what do teenagers HATE?...any form of embarrassment..

I'm feeling in a tough mood today

peach125 · 12/12/2007 11:10

Thank you for helping me consider the options. I'll mull it over through the day with show-down at 3.30!

goingfriggincrazy · 12/12/2007 11:13

Sending you lots of strength and positive vibes Peach

Let us know how you get on and come back and vent/rant,it really does help!

Thoughts

Original poster

SquonkaClaus · 12/12/2007 11:17

I am so glad I started this - a couple of days ago I would quite happily have strangled her, now I just calmly leave the room and come here and vent for a bit

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coldtits · 12/12/2007 11:27

i distinctly remember being shrieked at "if you steal my bloody kitchen scissors again I will cut up all your clothes! it is not borrowing if you don't ask and don't return them, it is sTEaLING and I should not have to come into your bloody pit to find them!"

goingfrigginchristmascrazy · 12/12/2007 11:31

[grins] @ coldtits..

SantasWhiskers · 12/12/2007 15:15

Oh peach it's a nightmare isn't it? My dd was still at primary when she did this & it was all a few pounds here & there but must have mounted up to the best part of £50 by the time we cottoned on. If you take a wee look at my post of Mon 10-Dec-07 21:41:40 you'll see that I did haul her along to see the community police officer & while it was utterly humiliating to have to do it, it did seem to work.

Wishing you luck for your showdown.

peach125 · 12/12/2007 19:06

I do not know what progress we made but yes she admitted that she took money about £50 from my purse and my husband thinks some may have gone from his wallet again. She is grounded for 3 weeks, no pocket money and she will have to pay back the £50 from christmas money. Doesn't sound like anything does it?
I also have a call out to the local community policeman, I do not know if he will get round to contacting me though. Still feel awful but may see the light in the morning???

pantoinghousewife · 12/12/2007 19:08

Shame her, ds was mortified that I told his gps and my friends. Hasn't done it since.

SantasWhiskers · 13/12/2007 08:19

Does your community policeman do a 'surgery' Peach? Ours does every Friday morning in the community centre so I just went along there. Agree with pantoing housewife too - don't hush it up but make sure family know & tell your dd it's to protect them too in case she gets any ideas in that direction.

peach125 · 15/12/2007 14:18

By Friday I was able to look her in the eye and talk frankly about trust and respect. This was the first time she showed any emotion so I think it got through. I also promised that the next time anything like this happens I will inform the police and she was very shocked by this. She is now on 'show us respect' mode and our trust in you will build! Thanks again for all your thoughts. Merry Christmas!

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