Hi,
I separated from my husband earlier this year after a long (20+ year marriage). It was me that called it a day as it was very obvious we were nothing more than friends (long story short - no attraction, age gap, his lack of support and laziness, lack of interests and sexless marriage for over a decade). I had been unhappy for a long time and menopause hit making me less tolerable of my situation. I had to get out!
I had hoped it would be amicable but it hasn’t been as he hasn’t spoken to me since he moved out months ago. We have two teenagers (one almost 18 and the other 13). The eldest is looking at universities and hopes he can go off to study next autumn. He has been staying with his dad and myself 50/50. The youngest, however, is refusing to stay at her dad’s as she finds him boring. My daughter is very into fancy cars, designer stuff etc. and that causes problems as it is as she doesn’t realise people just can’t afford to live like that all the time.
Trouble is, I am finding it tough not getting any ‘me’ time to cope with menopausal symptoms etc. I grew up with my mother after my parents divorced when I was 8 but, as a teen, was out a lot with friends and I remember my mother going to my grandmothers house (20 miles away) every Saturday and I’d stay home. I didn’t hang onto my mother’s apron strings like my daughter does with me. I didn’t see my dad from the age of about 11 as he just didn’t pay me that much attention. I didn’t want that for my daughter. I want her to have a relationship with her dad.
My daughter is a shy girl but very into teen girl things - clothes/fashion, phone etc. She will quote happily sit in her room all day/all night which isn’t good for her. T stops me from going anywhere too as I feel obliged to sit in the house so she isn’t alone. She reckons all of her friends go out each weekend with family so she has no-one she can catch up with on weekends. I am finding life tough as I am in a high pressure role in healthcare (senior manager) and have to rush home in the evenings so she isn’t alone too long. I have her all weekend, every weekend!! Her dad hasn’t had her one night. Never! He is always at work at weekends (another reason why I called it a day on the marriage) but has days to himself during the week. So, he has free time to do things that he enjoys doing. I have also used all of my annual leave to take as many school holidays off as possible and he hasn’t taken any (majority of his holidays are pre-allocated by his employer). We have no family - all grandparents are RIP - and I am struggling and feeling under immense emotional pressure. I am worried I will crack at work and I’ll end up without a job. All she wants to do is go shopping and look at clothes! I hate shopping but I do let her most weekends (I reluctantly tag along). When I take her into a shop she moans and tells me to go away so she can look herself and, when we go for lunch, she will just sit there (same in the car) and not say a word/or has her head stuck in her phone! I am finding this hard going!!
I can no longer do anything I like to do (swimming, cycling, cinema etc etc.) as she isn’t interested in anything I do and won’t come. Id like to go away for the odd weekend to recharge but can’t do that now either. So, I’m stuck in the house (aside from work) and not getting any enjoyment from life). I am starting to go crazy! Being menopausal isn’t helping. How on earth I’m meant to meet anyone in the future is beyond me. The divorce is almost finalised but I feel like her dad is trying to emotionally blackmail and blame me. I think he thinks I will change my mind (I won’t). He is having loads of free time (he is off next week when they’re at school) and whereas I’m getting none. He isn’t paying child maintenance either and I’m paying all costs for both kids!
I’ve tried asking him to have her for a weekend but he is either at work most of it (usually) or she won’t go. The odd time he has taken her out on a Saturday she sends me loads of texts to come and pick her up. Her dad is ten years older than me btw and he isn’t the most interesting person!
I deal with problems at work all day and with staff moaning a lot (short staffed) and I had to leave my profession to do this role as I needed to work more suitable hours be around for my daughter. So, I am not happy at work but not happy in my home life either.
Can anyone suggest any ideas how I might get a bit of free time and how I can get my grumpy 13 year old to do something else apart from sit in her room or go shopping?!