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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Tricky DD13 and activities - help

19 replies

merrygoround88 · 17/10/2021 08:58

My DD has always been a glass half empty kind of kid, always sees the negatives in friends, school, activities etc. She plods along ok and is relatively happy but will always see the bad side of everything.

We’ve tried to change this but thus far have had little luck and obviously teenage hormones don’t help.

She loved playing tennis and seemed to get really into it and this year wanted to really improve so we committed to 5 hours coaching and quite the cost.

The problem is that DD is now quite whiny about it and gave my DH lots of attitude around playing with him ‘her time is precious etc’

On one hand I feel like calling her out for being a spoiled brat and cancelling these very expensive lessons. On the other hand it suits me and I think it’s good for her to be out getting exercise. It’s her only activity.

What would you do in this situation

OP posts:

rookiemere · 17/10/2021 09:02

Is the playing with her DH on top of the lessons? 5 hrs a week is a lot, I would have thought 2-3 more suitable. Scale it back when you can next do so without losing money but ask if there is anything she wants to replace it with. Maybe something her friends are doing?

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 17/10/2021 09:05

No she doesn’t play with my DH outside the 5 hours. Agree it’s a lot but it’s what she wanted and I’ve tried really hard with other activities but this is all she wants to do - apart from spending all her time on her phone obviously

OP posts:

rookiemere · 17/10/2021 09:09

Have you asked her what she wants to do ?

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 17/10/2021 09:10

Yes she just wants to be on her phone - unfortunately

OP posts:

languagelover96 · 17/10/2021 09:10

I doubt that you can change her. Ask her to step up however.

AliMonkey · 17/10/2021 09:16

Having given in to my DS giving up an activity he had previously enjoyed and he now does nothing out of school except with us, I’d say resist if you can. Reduce the hours (but if you’re out of pocket maybe get her to repay half to you) or if she insists she won’t go then say she can only stop if she takes up something else as an alternative. At this age, they still frequently don’t know what is good for them.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 17/10/2021 09:22

@AliMonkey that’s my gut too. Just dig in and stick with it as surely even a half arsed activity is better than nothing. The attitude and money do stick in my craw though

@languagelover96 I suspect you are right but this does make me sad for her. Life is going to be so much harder and less joyful with that attitude

OP posts:

TyrannosaurusRights · 17/10/2021 09:26

She wants to play with a peer not your DH. This seems totally normal for a teen.

Can you not ask around and see if there’s a few teens at the club who might be interested in a game? Or maybe a group option for her that doesn’t involve playing with your DH?

LetsGoBrandon · 17/10/2021 09:57

Sounds like my youngest DC...I've learnt now if she gets really 'into' something, I'm not going to push it.

I'll show interest when she's telling me or showing me something, absolutely, but I've realised as soon as I push it too far, she loses interest. For eg, she desperately wanted a musical instrument a few years ago, we purchased said instrument, she self taught, really enjoyed it and was making great strides...stupid idiot me thought it'd be a good idea to get a tutor to help her progress 🙄, as I said, idiot. She went off it soon after and we gave up pushing.

Sometimes you have to let them just 'be'. Her sibling is completely different and will stick at things even when they're not enjoying it quite so much or finding something tricky. They push through and almost thrive on more encouragement.

I have a hobby that I've enjoyed since childhood. My DH is really supportive but it rubs me up the wrong way if he tells me I should go and do my hobby just because at that moment, he thinks it's a good idea. I will absolutely not want to do it if I'm told to do it!!

I might be completely barking up the wrong tree for you OP, but I did stumble across PDA last year and it ticks a lot of boxes for me and my youngest...

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 17/10/2021 10:44

@LetsGoBrandon thanks, I think you may be right. Can I ask what PDA is?

OP posts:

LetsGoBrandon · 17/10/2021 10:48

Pathological Demand Avoidance, it's sounds much scarier than it is 😅

Remmy123 · 17/10/2021 19:12

Think it's her age.

My son is almost 13 Who was crazy into football has nearly no enthusiasm any more - it's horrible to watch as he was so competitive and very good!!!

I've no advice so following.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 18/10/2021 07:21

@Remmy123 It’s awful to see them turn away from something so good for them.
At the moment I’ve decided to dig my heels in on the lessons but have told my DH to leave her be because at the moment his interventions (albeit good intentioned) are turning her away from her sport.

OP posts:

spiderlight · 18/10/2021 12:38

I've just had to tell my 14-year-old's coach that he's giving up a sport that he's been playing for over five years, which has given him so many amazing opportunities, including representing his country twice. I'm absolutely heartbroken because he's giving up so much and he just can't see it, but he was adamant.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 18/10/2021 22:56

Oh @spiderlight that is heartbreaking. Would a talk from an older player maybe help? Not a parent but instead an older teen / young adult

OP posts:

spiderlight · 19/10/2021 08:11

@merrygoround88 - he's just had a week's residential with a load of the older members, who are fabulous role models for the club, but although he came back buzzing from it and definitely wanting to carry on, he lost all his enthusiasm the first time he had to come home from a mate's house to go and train. It's just not worth the grief at the moment, but I'm not ashamed to say that I spent a good part of Friday in tears (mostly because his coach was so blooming lovely about it!). We're hanging onto his kit for a while just in case.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 19/10/2021 13:09

@spiderlight, up thread @AliMonkey made the point that at this age they still frequently don’t know what’s good for them and that really resonated with me.
With that in mind I’m having the battles with her to get her to go and hopefully she will get over this ‘hump’

OP posts:

Justdiscovered · 21/10/2021 09:58

One either accepts the regular battle of making them do something, or gives in and then they’re always on the phone. I know parents who are very laid back and not stressed about their teenagers being on their phone all the time. Perfectly love families and I can see that many of those kids are quite chilled out.
I know parents who schedule every minute and the kids feel pressure to do well and want to please, so they may appear self motivated but they have just been pushed in to activities and l ow there’s no point fighting it. Some of these are doing great, some area stressed depending on the atmosphere at home.
Then there’s us in the middle ! And I feel sorry for our kids the most because I feel we haven’t been consistent either way!! So every Saturday it’s the usual battle to go to drama classes, every Tuesday the usual battle to do a half hour swimming lesson. Then they always look so jolly after and say ‘ oh that was actually fine I enjoyed it’.
It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t give up if I were you. I’ve seen how easy it it’s to drop stuff at that age and then a few years later they have zero interest in the outside world. We are the first generation of parents battling against the lure of social media and striking that balance is so much effort

Effram · 21/10/2021 10:20

Obviously it's hard if it's a big financial commitment, but my mum always made us see out the term of any hobbies and if we still wanted to end then we could. More often than not, we got through the 'hump' then would carry on (until the next one!) but there were somethings I just really didn't enjoy, at that time. But I think it taught a really valuable lesson in seeing things through, and there's been times in my adult life when I just have to get through a bit of a crap period at work or whatever and I know I can suck things up!

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