Is 16 the worse age for teens in terms of their rolly-eyed disdain?

[BuckyBarnesArm]

Because it fucking feels like it! 16 yo Dd, barely see her and when we do, it's sarcasm, disdain and aloofness. It kind of hurts actually. Do they become more human as they get older. At the risk of sounding pathetic, she was a really lovely affectionate girl a few years ago.

Well it was the start of it for my ds. Wish I could just go back to eye rolling! We are certainly on a roller coaster and I want to get off!

Thanks for replying @Meltinthemiddle and I'm sorry to hear about your ds. My dd isn't causing us trouble as such, so we're lucky in that respect, but she's hard work emotionally. Hopefully our teens will emerge from their hideous teenage chrysallises (is that even a word?) as more pleasant adults.

Bucky. I was rather hoping that 14 would be the peak abs things would start getting better. Damn.

Well I do think my dd was a late developer on the disdain front, she was still pretty OK at 14. Making up for it now though. Maybe your teen will pass through it quicker, Panic. 😫

With mine it's been 14-18 yrs and they are starting to improve now. Still quite self centred though. They can't help it; something to do with brain plasticity. It's not fully formed again until they are 24 apparently!

Step back, don't take it personally, be confident and do things to boost your own happiness as it is a very draining time when they are constantly pointing out all of your weaknesses and you get ignored or spoken to dismissively when you ask them something benign like "please pass the peas"!

Don't follow them too closely up and down the emotional rollercoaster. Be available to talk and keep the lines of communication open, but aside from anything really life threatening or dangerous, leave them to make their own mistakes and be less "available". Focus on your own well-being and reach out to friends with teens. Model happiness to your adolescents! Don't expect them to show much interest in you or anything that concerns or interests you.

They need you there and will come and seek you out (usually at the most inconvenient time known to man) if there is anything really bothering them and it's then you drop everything and give them your full attention. You can also check in with them from time to time by inventing an errand and taking them on a drive with a lure of picking up food on the way home.

Other than that, provide bowls of healthy food that are available at all hours in the fridge , be cheerful, do your own thing and largely ignore the rudeness. Obviously decide on what you will and won't tolerate and set your boundaries but choose your battles.

Good luck op. Hang in there. Sending you strength as I know first hand how draining this stage can be. We love them to death but adolescence can be very hard emotionally for the entire family, especially mothers!

Btw, if you feel that the behaviour and lack of respect is really getting out of hand, a good tip can be to give them a serious responsible task slightly beyond their knowledge and capabilities and let them get on with it! The task should preferably involve talking to adults face to face or looking after DC and animals. This usually provides a good "tweak" and a reminder that they don't know everything, even if they think they know it all, and provides a bit of a reality check.

@Musthurry what a great post and fantastic advice, thank you so much. Really needed to read that!

Mine is just barely 13, and apparently the judge of everything I do and say, and I sm mot good at it! I am not sure I can do this till 18!
I try to ignore. Engage in cooking, cleaning the house, go out for errands, and hopefully we will be able to go out more now that the covid rules are waining off.
She is so much better when she is doing something! Like day to night.
Best luck to all of us OP.
We should meet up for coffee and cakes, while they mule on their moods.

@musthurry I needed to hear that too. Thank you. Do you want to be my counsellor? haha!

@Musthurry

Btw, if you feel that the behaviour and lack of respect is really getting out of hand, a good tip can be to give them a serious responsible task slightly beyond their knowledge and capabilities and let them get on with it! The task should preferably involve talking to adults face to face or looking after DC and animals. This usually provides a good "tweak" and a reminder that they don't know everything, even if they think they know it all, and provides a bit of a reality check.

Such a good post! Thank you for sharing!

Thanks all. . I only know a bit about this because it's the voice of bitter experience I'm afraid. . Still battling it really. Went through quite a low period until it got better. That's the thing with it, you have a few days where everything seems ok again and then your teen plunges emotionally (and takes it out on you or their sibling ) and it's all doom and gloom again. Very up and down in other words. I do agree with MushMonster that they do noticeably better when they are actively doing stuff.

Btw I know it was a bit of a tautology to say "Model happiness to your adolescents! Don't expect them to show much interest in you or anything that concerns or interests you." But meant to say they are taking it all in - but what you do - not so much what you say... .

Hang in there everyone

Nothing to add, except sympathies to all of us and when exactly is Musthurry’s book coming out?

Great advice from @Musthurry.

I echo all of that, and from the perspective of now being out the other side with DC in their 20s, can tell you that by 18 they have usually started to be nice again. Hang on in there, it will get better.

Alicay can I take my advance payment in bottles of gin please?

DramaAlpaca that's a relief to know about the 20s ...!

Seems fair

Thank you Must and Drama! You have both definitely given me hope and excellent advice. I'm learnt detach myself from ds and take emotional breaks because it is draining and so stressful with constant worry and fear as they make mistakes right before your eyes. I love him dearly but I don't like him right now and he is like a different person. Literally no interest in me or the family so glad you mentioned this and its normal!

I was definitely at the peak of this by 16 and by 17 I was through the other side of it! I even knew how horrible I was being at the time and felt bad about it but just couldn’t seem to stop myself.

So comforting to know that others know exactly what you're going through. I had my children early so am ahead of most of my dear friends and it feels quite lonely.

I was hoping 13-14 was the worst age. Seems not. I comfort myself that every adult around us was a teen once (and survived).

We've been through a very rough patch and I've been very shocked that one of ours could go and do the things we've openly and frankly warned them about. There have been some very, very dark days and I couldn't ever imagine there being light again. But there is.

I hope it stays!

Yes, same here. 13 is bad enough. I am going to hold tight till 16 or so, when it is expected to peak. I thought the present disdain was bad enough.
How can someone has such an unimpressed expression? I have never seen it before, and I am positive I was not like that at 13! Or ever......

There is still achance that a teenager is tougher to have than a toddler.... and she was a proper hands on as a toddler!

Wow @Musthurry brilliant advice! I'm currently dealing with a delightful 14 year old who's eyes may roll straight out of his soon he does it that often. I sometimes think he really can't stand any of us but then remind myself it's just the teenage years. We do get the odd moment of his lovely self but they are becoming more few and far between

Thanks quietlyspoken08 it is indeed the glimpses of their "true" selves that keep you going through the dark days... rarely glimpsed but usually emerge on family occasions where extended family is present, or when teen has just achieved something they are proud of, or brings home new gf or bf

Also I just wanted to say to Raaarrrrrrrr that I so agree it can be very lonely as the parent of a teen sometimes. Friends refer to teenage angst in passing, but somehow it is not as socially acceptable to discuss difficult teen behaviour, as it is to say you are finding it hard going with a baby or toddler.

I'm not quite sure why that is; I think protecting the confidentiality of a now nearly adult child has something to do with it, also maybe people feel themselves that they should have a handle on the parenting lark by now and feel embarrassed (which they shouldn't do because this is a whole new different stage requiring new and different parenting skills). Also, there are more social situations where mothers of toddlers and infants naturally gather together, either at baby groups or around the nursery school gate, but of course as the parent of a teen you may not be doing the school run any more or mixing with other parents at extra curricular activities, except to drive them there occasionally and then you are under strict instructions to hide around the corner .

So being the parent of a teen who is acting up, can be very isolating and distressing if they are challenging you a lot, (a) because the small person who you used to play with and hug and who came to sit on your knee, has now done a nearly complete 360° and is challenging everything about you; your authority, opinions, principles, methods! And it is quite shocking when you feel you personally are being targeted and by someone you love so much. And (b) teens can be physically large and it can even feel intimidating occasionally and they have all the time in the world to argue a point if you let them. One of mine can argue the hind leg off a donkey given the chance but I know the signs now - it is usually when she is feeling badly about herself - and I walk away until she simmers down enough to come and tell me what is really wrong, as a minor dispute can deteriorate quickly in to a major argument otherwise.

Sorry for essay but I don't think there are enough opportunities for parents of teens to meet and discuss these things.

I kind of like the rolling eye phase.

If you look at it as a really healthy stage of development then you don’t take it personally and it does become mildly amusing,

The reason it is healthy is psychological. They are breaking away from being dependent on you, and the way they do this is to dismiss literally everything you do and say. They have to separate to be a proper adult and independent.

So in my mind, it’s as healthy as the ‘why’ stage for toddlers. It’s part of a healthy development.

Imagine the alternative? Mummy’s boy / girl at the age of 16….no opinions of their own, no desire for independence? Much worse.

Sit back and enjoy your new found freedom! They don’t need you in the same way, and as pp said, they’ll find you when they do!

This chat is really helping me though a dark time, I've not slept all weekend with worry as she is going through a bad period with friends and boys, she sometimes opens up and other times ignores and shouts about very breath I take.

At least this group makes me feel normal and like it is part of their development, thanks for the many words of wisdom it really does help me through the dark days.