DD ignoring all technology limits and not taking control herself

[User1053051066]

Help! Please......

DD 13 would happily spend every given moment on her phone, laptop and or messaging on her watch. Phone always comes downstairs at night but even that's a battle....I tell her a time, she needs reminding, calling, phoning, then I may go to her room "I'm just coming!" she says! Then next day she won't be allowed it back until her few chores are done. Then it all happens again....last night was ridiculous, I waited an hour and a half (to see how long it owuld take) then she messaged me "why do you need it I don't understand....answer me!" So I marched to her room and removed phone, laptop and watch this time. She brought cables down asked me to put them on charge, well I didn't.

It is a struggle to get her to do anything remotely helpful, constructive, or more than just the basic put clean clothes away etc.

So, I know about teenagers, I used to be one!! But in this modern technology world, how to I control her usage and help her begin to control it herself? I've told her, when she manages to actually put it down and makes decisions about the state of her room etc she can keep it in her room, this as an incentive, but it's just not working and I am going far wrong. I seem to be making a mess of it!!

Please help....

how to I control her usage and help her begin to control it herself?

These are mutually exclusive. If you control her usage, she will not learn to control her usage herself. So you have to decide when and how to start giving her control so that she learns. We took a sink or swim approach as all our DC were very self motivated academically and so we had no fear of a school refuser playing xbox 24/7.

We didn’t have any rules on technology usage. Phones, laptops, all stayed in their rooms with them overnight. WiFi was never turned off. They initially would over do it...stay up all night scrolling mindlessly or playing a game. But they quickly realised can’t do that and get to school in morning. So they began to self regulate.

Some parents control usage until a certain age, 14,15,16 and then gradually give control back to their teen. It really depends on your teen and how her personality is what works best. Many parents find shutting down the WiFi at lights out (10pm or so) and having the hub with them works best as it avoids taking away laptops and phones but cutting off internet as that is the truly addictive aspect of technology.

But all parents recognise that at age 18, you cannot control their usage...so the objective should always be to get them to a place where they can control it themselves.

You say it is a struggle to get her to do anything helpful or constructive, does she have clear, defined set tasks to do? Do you give her choice as to how and when she does them? What are consequences if she doesn’t do them? It’s important to distinguish taking away a phone or laptop as punishment from taking them away as part of usage control. You don’t want it to always feel like a punishment.

Thanks. She is really not motivated at school so I fear she would completely slip. Hence, no self control. Her elder brother is fine, he has his all the time, so I know it can be done and it worked fine with him. DD only seems interested in technology just now.

She has a few tiny chores and if they aren't' done then it's simply a case of no technology until they are done, but then I'm finding she only does them to get her phone etc back. I know I'm doing it all wrong. I'm lost. I try to talk to her but she really doesn't want to listen, says she just wants to talk to her friends (online) which I get, but I make it clear she has responsibilities too. I feel I'm just nagging her all the time and I really hate that.

You need some clear and consistent family rules, not reactionary parenting.

At the same time, try to connect with her and find out why her technology is important to her, etc. Join together so you understand her, and she can also understand why there needs to be boundaries. Maybe she can even suggest what they could be.

With teens it is hit or miss, there’s no instruction manual so be kind to yourself, you are obviously getting more right than wrong.

I agree with @wombwithawiew about taking to her and finding out what apps or functions she uses and why. She can help with putting together limits on her usage.

Could suggest she audio chat on discord with a friend while doing a chore instead of messaging/texting a group chat. Or get her Spotify and headphones so she can play some music from her phone while doing a chore.

Consider having her watch Social Dilemma documentary on Netflix so she can be made aware of how this technology is deliberately crafted to be addictive AND how someone is making money off her use of it.

If you set phone-free times, try and replace it with another activity. Typically dinner table with family is phone free so you can all talk. But think about things like going for a walk or baking together or playing a family board game or she tries hula hooping outside so that there is something to fill the phone free time.

If she’s spending her time online pursuing a passion for something, see if you can’t channel that into doing a hands on version of it. For example my DD loved historical fashions and costuming. So enrolled her in sewing classes so she could learn how to make historical costumes. She loved it and has made several things for herself and friends.

I've installed Google family link on both teens phones as they have failed to self regulate at all. They wouldn't eat, sleep properly or do anything if they had a phone.
Now it's 3hrs a day and cuts off at 7pm. I really have had enough.
They went out and saw neighbourhood friends yesterday evening (we live near a safe park) ,DD picked up a book and DS watched a film. So the limits are working, and staying.

This bit of your post stood out to me She has a few tiny chores and if they aren't' done then it's simply a case of no technology until they are done, but then I'm finding she only does them to get her phone etc back well.... of course! If you have the arrangement that she loses her phone if she doesn't do her chores, it's unrealistic to expect her to do them just for the love of it!

I have three pre teen / teens and my approach is to make sure they have other things going on in their lives (sport, music etc) which provide a "natural" limit to screen use. The 12yo leaves his phone downstairs overnight but the 14yo and 15yo are allowed to have theirs in their room.

However, I realise I'm lucky because they're all conscientious with their homework. I might have to be stricter if that wasn't the case.

It completely depends on the child. My DD needed quite stringent limits so I put on the quostodio app and I have cut off time in the evenings and a daily time limit.

She would literally do nothing else if she was left to her own devices and as far as I can see it’s a lot of messaging friends about how awful their lives are and these friends live around the corner so I really feel they can knock into them

Technology, gadgets and social media are designed to be highly addictive (just look at all the adults who can't control their usage). It will be much more difficult for a developing teenage brain to walk away. Maybe sit down with her and together research why she needs fresh air, decent night's sleep, space away from gadgets etc. She needs to understand that in the same way that she has to wash, brush her teeth, eat 3 decent meals and get some exercise, she needs time away from her phone each day.

Just to say regarding original message. I know how awful it is. My son is the same. I am so drained from trying to regulate and restrict times. No advice, just hang on there....we will somehow survive.....I hope.

If you have Netflix and haven't already watched it, then watch The Social Dilemma either first by yourself or with your DD so she can see for herself that social media is designed to completely hook you in with little regard for mental health well being.

Secondly, you need to sit down and reiterate the rules. Basically in this house if the rule is hand your phone over at 9pm then failure to hand it over by that time results in you not getting it back the next day. If they back chat or argue, same thing. We use the line if you are not mature enough to hand it over when you are meant to you are not mature enough to have a phone full stop.

I have an 18 year old and a 15 year old. They were taught the above lesson from a young age ie primary school re any tech. By the teen years they know to just do it. They understand the reasons behind it because we have talked to them about it, the importance of sleep, that looking at last nights snapchat did they really miss anything important that was said at 3am that was so important it must be read at 3am?

Re the motivation at school ask her how she expects to be able to pay for things like a lovely new phone if she is working a crappy job because that is the only choice she has as her school work wasn't considered important. Make her look at housing costs against jobs in your area she needs to see the reality of limiting her future if she doesn't put the work in now. What kind of life does she want? How will she fund that?

Tell her how much you love her and want her to succeed which is why you have limits on tech.

We use family link for all samsung devices and I have a passcode on ipad with timer on school days phone goes of 830 10 at weekend. 9pm ipad in week and 10 weekend. However I do extend it at weekend. Dd just come to me now acc and asked for extension and I have given her an hour as it's school hols. Before this she was a nightmare.