How do I help with 1st heartbreak

Ladyof · 2021-10-15T11:30:00+00:00

My daughter is 16 and been with her boyfriend for 18 months, he has out of the blue just ended it with no explanation other than he has a lot going on at the minute. She is utterly heartbroken, he was her world. I am trying my best to help her but she thinks I have no idea what it is like. She is constantly texting him and he deleted her off social media and I told her to just leave him and give him space, I've since seen a message where she has text him saying I'm begging you please add.me back and I'll leave you alone. It is so hard to see, I feel like killing him for all this hurt but I mainly want her to have some self respect and stop hounding him. Any ideas, has anyone been through this. She is quite young headed and their relationship wasn't sexual yet, thankfully she feels like, well she has lost her best friend. Thanks for reading

FreeBritnee · 15/10/2021 12:32

I think you’ve got to let her do what she needs to do and learn from it. I doubt anything you say will change what she’s doing. Just be there for her when she wants to talk.

Original poster

Ladyof · 15/10/2021 12:44

Thank you I was thinking that. I just hate that he will be loving this attention and begging, she did ignore him for about 1 day and that's when he messaged her so he wanted to stir it again. He is a lovely lad and I'm so shocked this is happening as I really didn't think he would do this to her.

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cherrytreecottage · 15/10/2021 12:46

I remember being in your daughters position as a teen so vividly. I did the same - the texting, the begging. My DM pleaded with me to avoid all contact, reassured me that all boys are the same - when they feel like they've lost you, their interest will come back. Of course I didn't believe her and wanted to be left in my own self-pity. However, she encouraged me to take some time to focus on me and she did lots of things with me to distract me...shopping, took me to the hairdressers, lunches, shows, long walks, friends staying over etc and although at the beginning I must have been the worst company; I ended up having the typical "breakup glow up" - I looked better, felt stronger, hadn't contacted him in months and low and behold...he came crawling back.
I hid the pain for a long time, pretended I was having fun when I wasn't but it got easier and one day, you just stop thinking about them! I now look back and cringe that I begged for someone who wasn't worth my time. If only you could put an old head on young shoulders eh?!

Original poster

Ladyof · 15/10/2021 13:07

Thank you for your reply. This is what I am trying to do, she is texting when at school and in her last year so all this is really effecting her studies.

I don't know if he no longer likes her and if so she will sadly have to get over it or if he is just playing games to see what she will do, I really don't understand how they had a lovely weekend together then 3 days later he just called it a day, I am struggling to process it so no wonder she is!

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househuntinginthesouth · 15/10/2021 13:14

@Ladyof your poor DD. I think she'll probably continue to message him until she's ready to stop and the pain might come in waves, so she might seem okay and then get upset on and off. Maybe she can have some friends round for a sleepover, get them some pizza and a movie, some face masks etc. Does she like having her nails or hair done? Perhaps you could take her for those. Encourage her to have a a plan of things to do with people (her friends and you£ to take her mind off it, so she's not just sat thinking about it the whole time.

Staywithmemyblood · 15/10/2021 14:45

Aww, @Ladyof, totally feel for you and your DD right now 💐

Teenage heartbreak is so hard - it’s miserable for them, and agony for us parents supporting them through it too 💔

I’ve been through a couple with DD(16) and it’s really tough. The last one took DD months to get over and involved hours and hours of taking her for drives, listening to Adele (sad phase) and Olivia Rodrigo (bitter phase), a tonne of icecream and a small fortune in balyage! Well worth it though - she is so much happier now ☺️

I would echo the advice from @cherrytreecottage - strongly encourage her break all contact for at least 30 days. The sooner she starts this, the sooner her healing process can begin. Also, definitely encourage her to focus on herself - the “post break-up glow up” is a real confidence booster.

It’ll feel shit for a while, but your DD will be fine. Ask her to google “no contact rule” if she doesn’t believe you. Greg Behrendt’s book, “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken” may also be helpful - it’s funny, insightful but also fairly blunt!

isthismylifenow · 15/10/2021 15:11

Oh OP. I was you earlier this year. My dd was devastated.

One month in and I really thought she was never going to be able to move on. But she did and so will your dd.

But I won't lie, it was a bit tough. I have never hiked as much as I did, went to the cinema (which thankfully had just opened), hair appointments, just anything I could think of to take her mind off him and to boost her confidence again. It cost me a bloody fortune. She slept with me every night (I'm a single mum so that was actually quite lovely). It took her a while to break contact too. As much as it killed to to have to sit back and watch, she continued to keep in touch with him. Then one day she just said, thats it, I've blocked him everywhere and she just said 'I'm done:'. I think they just need to get to the realization that things have changed and there needs to be a new normal. She was so used to messaging him in the evening, she didn't know what to do with herself instead. Cue plenty netflix series we watched together.

Whatever you say will be taken the wrong way. So I wouldn't advise stopping her from messaging him (but I know how hard that is to see). Maybe she needs to just send those messages so she knows he really isn't going to get back. I mean it's worth the try isn't it (in a 16 year olds mind).

Just make sure the communication lines are open 24/7. My dd woke me at 1am crying and decided then that was a good time to talk about what an arse he was etc etc.

This was in March this year. This evening she is meeting up with another boy for the first time since the split. Going for a milkshake, so she did take from that experience what she needed to. She just has had no interest in anyone else, but is meeting this boy without any expectations.

She will get there. But it's shit I know.

CrystalBird · 15/10/2021 15:24

I'd open it up into a wider discussion about self respect and boundaries and how nobody ever decided to get back with anyone after a campaign of endless texts. Head up high, block him everywhere and just crack on with going through this

However this is all easy to say. It's hard to see your kids go through it and I've been through it rather a few times now with my eldest who's now 23. I'm sure we still have more to go too!

Just tell her you're there for her. You'll chat any time. To come to you if she's tempted to contact him. And crucially - to leave him alone now

Would she be open to distraction? Nice food? A shopping trip? Chatting it all over?

loopylindi · 15/10/2021 15:38

I might get shot down for this but I picked up on what you said about their relationship. Maybe, just maybe he was putting pressure on her to do stuff she wasn't ready for - so he dumped her.....it wouldn't be the first time. Sorry

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/10/2021 15:52

@loopylindi

I might get shot down for this but I picked up on what you said about their relationship. Maybe, just maybe he was putting pressure on her to do stuff she wasn't ready for - so he dumped her.....it wouldn't be the first time. Sorry

Me too.

isthismylifenow · 15/10/2021 15:58

@loopylindi

I might get shot down for this but I picked up on what you said about their relationship. Maybe, just maybe he was putting pressure on her to do stuff she wasn't ready for - so he dumped her.....it wouldn't be the first time. Sorry

Sadly this is very possible.

notacooldad · 15/10/2021 16:06

I watched my son go through this a couple of years ago.
It was truly awful.
He begged her to come back and she said she might and then wouldn't and then was seeing someone else but then would message him giving him a bit of hope. It was absolutely awful to see a previously happy young man destroyed and in tears and not sleeping. He could hardly function and lost so much weight.
I was extremely careful not to say a word against her. I kept telling him how I knew how much it hurt as it happened to me and said it feels like physical pain inside. Sometimes I would go into his bedroom and just sit next to him on the bed and we didn't talk. I just held his hands for a while. Things eventually got easier, as they would but it was heartbreaking at the time.

Original poster

Ladyof · 15/10/2021 16:21

Thank you all so much for the lovely replies and ideas, I am definitely going to focus on her and her confidence, pamper nights etc.

To be honest the pressure about doing stuff did cross my mind but I would be really shocked if it was that. He doesn't seem like that type, it was his first relationship too and they are both really quiet and shy so he isn't a player type. I'm not saying it definitely isn't that as I really don't know the reason it was so out of the blue but I would just be really shocked by that, I thought we all knew him pretty well he spends a lot of time here, well spent past tense.

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isthismylifenow · 15/10/2021 16:42

You sound like a great mum OP.

She is probably still trying to get her head around this as it is a shock.

I found getting my dd out and doing something physical was good. I went with that saying if you need to rest your body, work your mind. To rest your mind, work your body.

Good luck.

Original poster

Ladyof · 18/10/2021 08:02

@thisismylifenow

Thank you. We have joined a gym together so we are going there tonight. Thank you for your kind words, he is giving her a shimmer of hope they are getting back together but told me he doesn't have feelings for her now and doesn't want to lead her on. I am so drained with it all and felt so sad all weekend 😪

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Original poster

Ladyof · 18/10/2021 09:57

@thisismylifenow

Thank you. We have joined a gym together so we are going there tonight. Thank you for your kind words, he is giving her a shimmer of hope they are getting back together but told me he doesn't have feelings for her now and doesn't want to lead her on. I am so drained with it all and felt so sad all weekend 😪

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laurenGame · 18/10/2021 10:16

@Ladyof I just wanted to say that I wish I had a mum like you when I was 16 and going through heartbreak. You sound lovely and your DD will look back on these times with tenderness, because you were there for her
My mum is a good mum but she was too busy working to raise children.

Original poster

Ladyof · 18/10/2021 10:20

@laurenGame thank you. I don't think she feels like that at the moment, she is sometimes fully open and ready and willing to talk and other times totally irriated if I dare ask how her day was. Typical teen I hope!

How long did it take for you to get over your heartbreak? I hope you were OK and had support as friends

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laurenGame · 18/10/2021 10:37

I had no support, no one knew really. I would write in my diary a lot :)
It took about a year, I think teenagers can fantasise a lot- I would dream of marrying him (I was 16) when in reality I had no idea what marriage is like.
It really does pass, I think I stranger college and then new people, friends, experiences, emotions... another non-reciprocated love ...😁
I am now 35 and very happy with DP. It's all part of the journey. Every single one of my girlfriends experienced what your daughter is going through now, it will pass. And it warms my heart that you're there for her

twoblueskies · 23/11/2021 06:39

This was so helpful to read . What great ideas . It's my DD first break up after 3 months . He finished it because I told them he couldn't go in her room . They were both 14 and I found photos of him in her bed and reference to them having sex . She tells me they didn't but that doesn't mean they weren't close to IMO. Unfortunately he has said that it's unlikely she will get another boyfriend with a mum like me . She doesn't appear to be angry at me but she's good at disguising her feelings .
I'm trying to give her time and distractions but with a 7 year old and husband who works away in the week this isn't easy