Self-harming Son

[Jugglingmum21]

Firstly, apologies as I know (sadly) there are a few other threads on this topic but a) I don’t want to hijack someone else’s and b) there are slightly different nuances.

All thoughts very kindly appreciated.

My 16.5 year old has self-harmed again and I’m not sure what to try next.

We noticed this previously, 4-6 months ago. He doesn’t talk to us, nor his friends. He spends a lot of time online - PS4 and various other games/ chats.

When we first noticed it, he grudgingly agreed to see a counsellor - “totally fine if you don’t feel you can talk to us but would you try talking to someone else to see if it would help”. A recommended counsellor was not immediately available so we found another. He had a couple of sessions with him before saying he wasn’t getting anything out of it. He then had one session with the recommended one but again said it didn’t do anything for him. I’m pleased he agreed to go and my instinct is not to force him and put him off therapy for good, in case he may feel open to trying it again in the future when he is more ready. Both counsellors said he didn’t really engage, he doesn’t share his feelings and even sometimes said things they felt he wanted them to hear rather than what he felt.

The doctor is aware and supportive but I’ve learned from other posts that NHS provision is not generally fruitful, therefore why we were lucky enough to go down the private route but, whilst I will ask, I don’t think he’ll say yes to this again at the moment.

I’m unsure about what to do generally as a next step.

I’m also unsure what to do about his online activity. When we’ve spoken before about the dangers and threats, he says he is aware but it always at the back of my mind that there are some clever people out there and he may be unable to spot the dangers. I know some people will suggest a hard line, take his devices away or check his activity. I’m just deeply worried that if he is chatting with people that are genuinely providing an outlet for him, if I take such action that will actually push him even further inside and make things worse.

Any kind thoughts, advice, recommendations would be amazing, thank you

I have no experience but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Hoping this will bump for you

Thank you, that's very kind

So sorry you haven't had any responses yet. I don't know if Helping Teens Who Cut will be of any use? I've seen it recommended on here before.

From what you've posted, do you think he may have a gaming addiction? Has he ever been assessed for ADHD?

I have had a very sad, sensitive and probably autistic son who was in a very similar situation to your boy. He’s now 18 and finding his way through to happier times - saying this to offer you optimism.

We got there by letting him spend as much time online as he liked, within reason. (He said recently that some of the happiest times of those years was when he was playing Fortnite with his friends online.)
We also bolstered his confidence at every possible opportunity. What we saw as innocent cajoling to do ‘stuff’, he saw as pressure and implied criticism.
We had lots of burgers and coffee and cakes, and dog walks, anything to distract and get out.
We had family gatherings with younger ones who take any pressure off wonderfully.
And we waited. Because in time they can grow out of it, as the pressure drops and they become more confident.

It’s a horrible time and I hope you can all find your way through it.

Thank you so much, hearing that does help a lot. We are trying to build his confidence as you say but your insights around it coming across as pressure are probably true. And yes he's also better with younger kids so that's also an interesting point.

Thank you, just to know there's hope helps enormously!

A counsellor may be overwhelming at this stage. Could you signpost him to text/online support?

www.kooth.com/

Engaging online and gaming may actually be a good thing as he's interacting with others rather than withdrawing totally.

Has he considered 'safer' self harm? Ice cubes? Drawing on his skin?

Young Minds website has lots of resources.

Make sure you take care of yourself too.

Thank you so much for your reply. I hadn't come across kooth so I will definitely signpost him there so he has another option.

It's a fine balance isn't it because I don't want him to think there's anything 'wrong with him and dent his self worth even further.

Thank you again - its really valuable to receive others thoughts and advice

I've thought of some other resources. Some young people find this app useful
calmharm.co.uk/

Another text support service is

giveusashout.org/get-help/how-shout-works/#:~:text=1.-,Text,we%20are%20here%20for%20you.

Does school offer any support? Even if he doesn't want them to know he's struggling their website might have some resources or local organisations. See if school are part of the Mental Health Support Team project as they might be able to help.

See if any organisations or school offer Moodmasters if you feel low mood is an issue.

Offering support isn't saying there's anything 'wrong' with him. It's acknowledging that sometimes things can be overwhelming and that you're always there for him but you understand he may wish to get support from someone or somewhere else.
See if you can spend time with him doing things side by side rather than sitting him down for a chat. Cooking together or even chatting in the car feels far less 'confrontational'. He might not talk about his feelings but he'll feel connected and again this helps self esteem.

I don’t have a son self harming, but my OH has had mental health problems and something you said really reminded me of her - she said several times ‘I am not going to keep up the counselling, I don’t see the benefit’. Or also (in her case), ‘I’m not getting any breakthrough moments’. In truth, what I have learnt is that continuing the counselling is always a benefit, even if changing the counsellor is needed. I would really encourage you to try your son on counselling via Zoom or Skype or something like this Kooth (I didn’t know it either)…over time the difference might really start to show, but keeping the process going worked for us.

Good luck and you deserve full credit for thinking so calmly and methodically about how to help your son. I have no doubt you are the mother he needs at this time.

Thanks again for taking the time to think some more. You are spot on to imagine he doesn't want school to know, but I'd ignored the fact that they may have some valuable resources, I will definitely look into that, thank you for the idea

@60schild

Offering support isn't saying there's anything 'wrong' with him. It's acknowledging that sometimes things can be overwhelming and that you're always there for him but you understand he may wish to get support from someone or somewhere else. See if you can spend time with him doing things side by side rather than sitting him down for a chat. Cooking together or even chatting in the car feels far less 'confrontational'. He might not talk about his feelings but he'll feel connected and again this helps self esteem.

Yes, I completely agree, we are not wanting him at all to think there's anything wrong with him - sadly, this is all too normal - but are very conscious to tread carefully for fear he may think that. I completely agree, doing something with and alongside boys gets the best conversations - he's the youngest of 3 boys and this has worked with them but less so with him unfortunately.

@tiredandmardy

I don’t have a son self harming, but my OH has had mental health problems and something you said really reminded me of her - she said several times ‘I am not going to keep up the counselling, I don’t see the benefit’. Or also (in her case), ‘I’m not getting any breakthrough moments’. In truth, what I have learnt is that continuing the counselling is always a benefit, even if changing the counsellor is needed. I would really encourage you to try your son on counselling via Zoom or Skype or something like this Kooth (I didn’t know it either)…over time the difference might really start to show, but keeping the process going worked for us.

Good luck and you deserve full credit for thinking so calmly and methodically about how to help your son. I have no doubt you are the mother he needs at this time.

Thank you so much, and that is really interesting. I'll keep the avenues to counselling open, I don't want to push him away from it for sure. Thank you, that's really helpful

So hard as if they know you're trying to get them to talk the less they usually say in my experience. I got most from my DD a) on a long drive back from PCR when couldn't get a local one, and b) when we were swimming in the sea in the summer.
Is there anything at all he will do with/alongside you or another helpful relative? Biking/cooking etc

Oh sorry I see I just repeated 60schild should have rtft

I've found him most talkative when he's creating new cars on his game, or while on the phone some times. It's all about reducing the intensity of a one on one conversation I think, which may also explain why he hasn't been comfortable engaging in therapy so far - I hadn't thought of that before!

Both my DS (20) and DD (18) have the scars from this today. My DD at least was very careful about sterilising and cleaning etc and I wish I had discussed that with my DS as several times he got very nasty infections. (Make sure he has access to alcohol wipes, antiseptic cream and I like the silver plasters and dressings. I didn't police it just let them know they were there)

With my DD's friends it seemed most tried it at one point or another. It somehow became the fashionable thing to do. Sadly my two continued long after the rest had made a couple of catlike scratches and given up.

Both of them have been planning tattoos to cover the damage done and in doing so have only had very small relapses each. They know that they have to have healed to start.

They both also found encouragement to stop from a supportive online community. And both have pointed out that unless you have done it you can't really understand the why. The counselling we found tended to be rather patronising and if anything caused more problems.

I was appalled that they could feel so bad as to harm themselves and for a long time they hid it knowing that I would feel that way. I had to stop the anger that I felt about them hurting themselves and learn how to simply give the support required when they asked it from me. Too much emotion on my part, because let's be honest it is upsetting to see, was counterproductive.

But they have matured and and things have got a lot better.

They have also used the I am sober app to chart the time they are harm free.

Best of luck OP. It does get better.

@Chickmad

Both my DS (20) and DD (18) have the scars from this today. My DD at least was very careful about sterilising and cleaning etc and I wish I had discussed that with my DS as several times he got very nasty infections. (Make sure he has access to alcohol wipes, antiseptic cream and I like the silver plasters and dressings. I didn't police it just let them know they were there)

With my DD's friends it seemed most tried it at one point or another. It somehow became the fashionable thing to do. Sadly my two continued long after the rest had made a couple of catlike scratches and given up.

Both of them have been planning tattoos to cover the damage done and in doing so have only had very small relapses each. They know that they have to have healed to start.

They both also found encouragement to stop from a supportive online community. And both have pointed out that unless you have done it you can't really understand the why. The counselling we found tended to be rather patronising and if anything caused more problems.

I was appalled that they could feel so bad as to harm themselves and for a long time they hid it knowing that I would feel that way. I had to stop the anger that I felt about them hurting themselves and learn how to simply give the support required when they asked it from me. Too much emotion on my part, because let's be honest it is upsetting to see, was counterproductive.

But they have matured and and things have got a lot better.

They have also used the I am sober app to chart the time they are harm free.

Best of luck OP. It does get better.

Thank you so much for sharing your story; it's so distressing to go through as a parent but as you say heartbreaking that children are brought to this. You're advice is great about the cleanliness, I hadn't thought about that.

These poor children ....

Thank you so much for your suggestions

This is a good resource and includes suggestions for a first aid kit. I'm sure you're feeling overwhelmed so please talk to others and get support.

www.servicesix.co.uk/uploads/Information%20Pack%20self-harm%20final%202020%20FINAL.pdf

@60schild

This is a good resource and includes suggestions for a first aid kit. I'm sure you're feeling overwhelmed so please talk to others and get support.

www.servicesix.co.uk/uploads/Information%20Pack%20self-harm%20final%202020%20FINAL.pdf

Thanks so much for this - its a really helpful resource and very easy to read and understandable - even sent it to my husband !