Dd18 no social life or aim

[Disneygirl37]

My dd finished a level this summer did well. Decided she wants to work for a year before maybe getting an apprenticeship, currently working 3 days a week. She has 2 friends she goes out once a week max but otherwise just wants to do stuff with us and her brother who is 11. She is always doing stuff for and fussing over her brother, which is lovely that she thinks of him so much but it's getting a bit much now as he just wants to play with his mates on the xbox or at the park. He keeps saying he fed up with her bothering him and interfering.
To be honest it's really getting to me, she doesn't seem to have any get up and go. At weekends I would really like to be able to do some stuff with just our son sometimes and not be asked what we are doing this weekend! At 18 I certainly wasn't spending this much time with my parents.
She really struggled at secondary school had some not very nice friends but met these 2 girls at college and seemed to be getting on so much better. But she's missed so much time of actually being at college due to Covid.
I'm just not sure what to do if anything. I just feel like her teenage year are just passing her by and she's missing out on all the fun. She's always very keen to go out with friends she just isn't getting the opportunity to do so.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

"At weekends I would really like to be able to do some stuff with just our son sometimes and not be asked what we are doing this weekend! At 18 I certainly wasn't spending this much time with my parents"

This bit really stood out to me. You've mentioned she struggled at school with not nice people (bullys?) then obviously her college experience has been changed due to covid and almost 18 months at home. You shouldn't be judging your daughter by how you were as a child - you're different people and the world is totally different right now. It does sound like she's got get up and go - she got good a levels in a challenging time and now has a job before finding an apprenticeship? This part of your OP reads quite harshly, like she's a bother to you and you don't want to include her in plans (I'm thinking this is just the way the OP is written not how you feel hopefully!)

If she's working three days a week, of course she wants to spend time with you and her family. Personally I think it sounds like she might need some gentle encouragement to find a hobby or activity she can do independently or with friends. Or perhaps upping her days at work! Does she drive? That can give her another level of independence if she doesn't.

Yes maybe it sounds a bit harsh written down like that, not having the best day. We do include her and do lots together as a family.
She does drive and has a car.
Maybe I am comparing her to myself to much and should stop this, I loved going out and making plans at her age. I just want to see her having fun and I think she sometimes wishes that too

@Disneygirl37 hope your day gets better!! Things written down can sometimes come across much harsher than meant (I'm guilty all the time!) and I didn't think that was at all your aim 😊

It's definitely a tough one, covid has really stumped a lot of people socially especially people your DDs age! I'd suggest maybe encouraging a hobby or more days at work, being able to drive about should give her some more independence to meet friends. It's hard if you don't have a natural friend group - but if she started small (e.g meeting for a Starbucks and a wander around town perhaps) then it might build up to a better friendship. Or even doing things alone! I adore going to Waterstones, picking a book then going to read it in Starbucks with coffee and a cake 🍰

Maybe I am comparing her to myself to much and should stop this

You are. I resented it when my DM did it. If she's happy - great!

Sounds like my dd, high achieving, no friends,
Likes to spend time as a family. From reading Mn I realised she had social anxiety, and has since been diagnosed asd.

Look at the positives - she does have 2 friends who she sees once a week (which is maybe enough for her), she drives( so has some independence) and she has a job. So she is socialising with people and maybe for her personality that is enough interaction for her to deal with.
Maybe at her age you were out and about lots as that was the culture then or you wanted to get out of home. However, for your DD you have created a home she wants to spend time in, a safe place where she can chill (especially if she finds being with others tiring).

I'd have a word with her about your DS though as he wants to be with his friends a bit more.

I think culturally things have changed and it’s much more “normal” now for people in their late teens/early 20s to enjoy hanging out with family instead of being out with friends or dating all the time. I’m sure COVID has contributed to this as well. My son is 14 and is a real homebody, I was starting to see a bit of a change towards his being more social with his peers and getting more independent but COVID threw a spanner in the works and I feel like he just lost that 18 months of social development! I agree with others, don’t judge her by what you were like at that age, she is a different person and it’s a different time and we have all just lived through a pandemic. It’s good that she has friends and enjoys going out with them and she does have some clear plans for her future and is working so I think she will be ok given a bit more time.

My DD 18 is similar. She's does go out once or twice a week but also wants to spend time with me. She'd rather go clothes shopping/ lunch with me than with her friends! She works in the same place as me, and wants to go in holiday with me next year! I think it's lovely- she's got friends but we're like best friends

Aw I do think it's sad that you don't want your DD to spend time with you and your son? She has struggled with friends and she clearly wants to spend time with her family. I was the same, I have much younger siblings and loved doing activities together, I would have been really hurt if my mum had said she wanted me to not be involved

That does sounds a bit mean TBH. It’s lovely that she enjoys spending time with her family. She’s got plenty of years ahead of her where she can go out partying and make friends. She might end up being someone who just enjoys one on one friendships, or just a partner, or doesn’t enjoy being in a crowd. Like you I didn’t want to spend any time with my parents at 18 and still have no desire to now I’m an adult either! I’d enjoy the fact she likes to spend time with you all, you must be a pretty great mum and brother!

I don't think it's mean - the OP is worried that her 18 year old isn't enjoying her teen years. And we do at some point hope our children happily flee the nest/ cut the apron strings - that's good parenting not bad!

OP - if she likes to fuss over her younger brother does she enjoy childcare? I wonder if you could encourage her to volunteer or get work with young children in a way she might meet others?

Coudl she train as playworker/ youth worker/ childcare etc - playwork and youth work are really interesting jobs and even the training would get her out meeting other people her age.

Maybe a local after school club in a church etc wld be looking for people to work there?

And for those saying it's nice she wants to be with her mum and brother - at what point do you help and encourage independence? I'm sure we all hope that by early 20s we are not seeing so much of our children.

If those skills of socialising/ looking for work aren't developed in the teen years - that is a failure - that is not helpful to those young people. Sadly I think because so much of life is lived online - it's easier now for young people to just stay back from life a bit.

I don't think it's mean - the OP is worried that her 18 year old isn't enjoying her teen years

Nothing in that OP suggests DD isn't 'enjoying her teen years',