What do about lying DD?

[rosesandkindness]

DD has just turned 13. For a few years she has stopped saying what she thinks and gives minimal answers to any question that might involve her own personal opinions or feelings. DH and I know this is a problem but have not been able to do anything about it. Now she is 13 the lying and then refusing to talk about anything really feels like a problem.

Is there anything we can do given that she will never tell us anything she is feeling? When I talk to her about this it's only ever me speaking as she won't say anything. I don't think there is a terrible secret. I just think she has decided there is no benefit to her in letting us know anything she is thinking.

Just play the waiting game unfortunately. If she’s not willing to talk just wait till she is.
How open is she to you checking her phone, laptop etc I’m still checking my dc’s. If she ever refused I’d start to worry.

Why does she have to tell you how she feels and what is she "lying" about?

You sound like my mum tbh, who decided she had some sort of right to know my thoughts so she could tell me how wrong they all were and got very angry when I began keeping my answers non-commital.

I was like this from about that age and to be honest I still am. My parents know the bare minumim about my life and I like it that way. The first time they knew anything about my boyfriend of 5 years was when I told them I was pregnant.

In my case its because I dont want to be friends with my parents and I dont want them knowing about my personal life, im a very private person and dont want everyone knowing my business. I know my parents will pass on anything I tell them to their friends without a second thought and I dont lile that fact that people outside of my family and friemds know so mich about me. Could it be something similar with your daughter? Could you ask her if she is worried about privacy if she shares too much with you?

You want to know her thoughts? Why?

I never told my parents my opinions because they wouldn’t agree and it would only cause a row - so I was very noncommittal.

Sorry, but I think you sound quite intense OP. I can understand why your dd has clammed up. I would make a conscious decision to chill out, discuss day to day things/topical stuff/ things that your dd might be interested in without expecting a deep response (and don’t focus on the whys and wherefores of why she won’t talk to you- that’s the number one way to keep her silent!) and it’ll come in time. You might need to adjust your expectations too- not all teenagers pour their heart out to their parents about everything. Good luck.

But she’s not lying? She’s just not talking about her feelings….

I’m not a talker. And whilst I recognise this push on everyone talking about their mental health is great for lots of people, it entirely boils my piss that people now continually want me to open up to them or, having opened up to me expect me to reciprocate.

No! Just no! I’m a closed book and, frankly, I like it better that way.

Maybe she’s not a talker. Just because it’s your agenda, doesn’t mean it has to be hers.

I think with my DD (similar age) is that it's just laziness and she can't be bothered to talk to us minions.

Honestly, mine would rather just storm off especially if her opinion is different to anyone else's but it infuriates me because she won't say why. This leads me to conclude that she's disagreeing just for the sale of it to be obtuse.

The only thing keeping me going is the fact that big sister DD1 was the same and is now just lovely 😊

I'm not sure if you're finding this hard but I know I am.

Mum used to accuse me of lying, still does, if I didn’t say exactly what she wanted to hear. So I spent most of my childhood talking minimally to her.

Agree with pp, you sound intense

Is there any benefit to letting you know what she’s thinking though?

It’s all a bit 1984.

I mean. She’s entitled to keep her thoughts to herself.

What is she lying about? You've not actually said

She is keen on privacy. What do you need to know? There is probably no benefit for her in sharing internal thoughts. Give her space to breathe, develop and make her own decisions.

You are being very overbearing OP. She's allowed private thoughts.

I've got two teenage daughters. One is like a closed book but it wouldn't cross my mind to harangue her about not wanting to talk about her feelings. She knows we are here for her if she needs us and that we love her etc but I definitely don't feel like she owes me her own feelings.

If we were talking about current events of anything like that I would expect her to contribute her opinions.

What sort of things are you asking her/wanting to know?

It doesn’t sound like she’s lying, she’s just not giving you detailed information about her thoughts and feelings. And she doesn’t have to, just because she’s your daughter it does not mean that she’s an object you own. She’s also at an age where she is starting to learn to be an adult and break away from the child persona that is attached to a parent.

Also teens can just be moody for no reason, if you’re hassling her and wanting her to delve into detail about her thoughts and feelings if she’s a bit moody, there possibly is no reason at all she can come up for being moody, she just is.

Don’t be a nagging, intense, entitled parent, all these talk demands that are all about what YOU want will rightly drive her away.