Who should wake Teen up in the morning for school?

[rp88]

Hi everyone, we've got a situation regarding my youngest brother (14yo, 15 on Saturday) not getting up without help in the mornings. Bare with me whilst I try to explain:

Mum has to leave at 6:00am for work, Dad has to leave by 6:30am. Dad goes upstairs and wakes him up before leaving, but this is really not working as he just goes to sleep straight away again.

I (Older sister, 32) have late nights myself (I work evenings and part-time work from home, doing working sometimes till 2:00am), but since he's started back at school, I've set my alarm for 7:40am so I message/call him to make sure he's up and getting ready for the bus, which comes around 8:10am. Sometimes I have to literally spam message/call him before he answers (Obviously must be asleep), and on a few occasions he's not turned his phone off of silent and doesn't hear it, so then doesn't wake up and answer me. This then means I have to get up and dressed to go across the garden to get into the house (I have a separate building where I sleep) to go and wake him up.

Whilst I've said to mum I don't mind at all doing this, at least for a while when he first started to help him get back into the routine, I also feel quite strongly that he should be able to get himself up for school and not rely on me, or anyone else in fact. (When I was his age mum never got me up, I had to get myself up and always did).

The past couple of weeks I have been doing this more infrequently, some mornings I'll message, and some I wont. But then last week, one day he almost missed the bus, i had to rush in at 8:05 to wake him up.
Then yesterday, he had quite obviously missed the bus (slept in) and decided to ride him bike 'to school', but long story short, he basically didn't end up going to school but going to his friends house and claiming he was feeling ill and that his friend had a migraine. He wouldn't go into school or come home when I told him to after finding out and he then ignored all my calls and messages and eventually when he got home, was saying that I was talking rubbish and that he wasn't lying about anything (he very clearly was).

Told mum the situation when she got home, she tells him he is banned from going out for a week, then literally the next day, he takes his bike to school and then stays out after school with his friend.

I was feeling so frustrated that he blatantly ignored mum's ban... but then mum messages him and just tells him not to be back late. I tell her I feel annoyed actually, because he's just going to think he can get away with it, there's no consequence. But then it's ended up switched on me saying I should be responsible as the only adult left in the house to make sure he is up for school as he is still a minor under 18.

I just wanted to ask if I am being unreasonable here in wanting him to be able to get himself up?

Sorry to go on, just feel a bit upset.

He’s almost fifteen, nobody needs to get him up. He should be capable of doing so himself.

Although I think in your 30s it’s stressful living at home. You’re all on top of one another with you trying to parent for your brother and getting tied up in the nitty gritty stuff.

I understand why your brother’s behaviour frustrates you but your parents need to proactively deal with it. Are you planning on living alone or is this long term?

Instead of a phone message / call ( which is easily turned off since he probably has it in bed or near him), invest in a proper alarm clock which makes a good big noise. Insist that he turns it on every night, and puts it away from his bed so he has to physically get up to turn it off. Dad could check the clock before he leaves in the morning, instead of fruitlessly trying to wake your brother up.

After that, I'd say that your job is done. At his age he should be able to do something as basic as getting himself up in the morning.

But then it's ended up switched on me saying I should be responsible as the only adult left in the house to make sure he is up for school as he is still a minor under 18.

Also think this is a bit silly. Just because someone is under 18 and not an adult doesn’t mean they’re incapable of doing anything like a baby. At 15 I had a baby, many people I know worked full time from age 16. It’s a good age to take responsibility and learn to be independent. Many teens go to uni or work at 17, who does your mum think will wake him up then?

I’d refuse to get him up. I’d be too tired and fast asleep myself.

Not your problem.

When I was married to ex his nephew was like your brother, and I was told I’d need to go in to his room and shake him awake as the poor dear couldn’t wake up by himself.
I didn’t bother, I had a toddler and a baby and a full time job to be getting on with wasn’t adding a full grown teen to my list of responsibilities. He eventually started getting himself up.

At that age, its his own responsibility. Does he have an alarm clock?

Buy some smart plugs, link them to an app on your phone, and have one set for a light and one for the radio on full blast or something.

It 100% is NOT your responsibility, however as you have been doing it, it seems as though it is now your adopted responsibility.

Have some fun with it, especially if he is going to be a pain in the neck anyway

Are you planning on living alone or is this long term?
Long term, though would consider move out if I could afford it, but at the same time I've always been a help at home with looking after all my brothers (I have 4 younger brother, 3 in their teens, 14, 16, 17!) so although I don't have kids myself, I honestly feel like I've been like a secondary parent to them, if that makes sense.

invest in a proper alarm clock which makes a good big noise.
Yes I've said he needs this, not too sure if he does have one and just doesn't use it, I'll have to check. I told him that if I need to get up for a certain time in the morning, I will set my Alexa with 2 to 3 different times for the alarm to go off, as well as my clock/radio alarm, as well as my phone alarm, just in case I don't hear one or a power cut happens etc..
He does have an alexa (Never uses it), and he does have a phone, but often sets it to silent for when he's in school so doesn't get in trouble, then forgets to change it.

Also think this is a bit silly. Just because someone is under 18 and not an adult doesn’t mean they’re incapable of doing anything like a baby.
Totally agree with you, I think the issue is that mum and dad has resigned themselves to the fact that the boys just can't get themselves up. The 16yo has almost been late for college bus a few times, and the 16 and 17 year old both also work with Dad some days and he says he has to wake them up or they won't get up at all. The 17yo has told me no matter what he does, no matter how many alarms, he'll just not hear them or fall straight back asleep again.

Also, just wanted thank you all so much, I do feel a bit better now.
It's nice to know I'm not being too unreasonable in my thinking here and I am definitely going to be getting him set up with multiple alarms which I will remind him about in the evenings. Hopefully we can make an improvement to this.

It's definitely his responsibility.

He needs to set a few different alarm sounds to get himself up and out.

It should go like this- invest in an alarm clock for him, and if he continues to take the piss, there should be consequences. The skiving school is out of order, and this is a big failing on your parents part.

I realise that it's not your place to punish him, but I would say to your parents, 'If I can't enforce consequences, then I would rather not be responsible for him getting out of bed.'

My nephew had a crazy alarm clock that rolled off table and rolled in room forcing him to climb out of bed to turn it off (he's now 25) I wish I knew the brand name

Buy your parents an air horn. Tell them to blast it a few times before they leave for work.

My sister woke me up with this a few times and it scared the shit out of me, there's no way I wouldnt have woke up and no way I could fall back to sleep.
Its definitely not your responsibility though. Its him who will get in trouble at school for lateness.

He should be getting his own arse out of bed at that age - can I suggest half a dozen double bell alarm clocks set in ten min gaps in places where he physically has to get up to turn them off!

Your parents lack of committing to disciplining him seems to be the underlying issue though.

If I grounded dd she was grounded! Straight home from school or a day added to the grounding period, no phone, no computer except to do homework and that was monitored, dinner, chores, bed!

She soon learned not worth the hassle and therefore behaved so she wasn't grounded!

But essentially give him enough rope... his responsibility to get his arse up and ready and if he doesn't sanctions from school and home should get the message across fairly quickly!

I honestly feel like I've been like a secondary parent to them, if that makes sense.

That's really unfair and irresponsible and lax of your parents creating that situation

I'd advise you save up and move out ASAP or you'll never have an independent adult life

Sounds like other brothers have similar issues? I'm sorry but that sounds like there's been very lax parenting to me

Yanbu. Not your problem. It’s great that you help out, but if your parents refuse to do their job by disciplining him and backing u up to ensure he gets an education, there is only so much you can do - v frustrating.

Try an alarm clock.

Ps - I’m pretty sure if they turn the wifi off and keep phones downstairs at 11pm, the kids will be able to wake up in the am.

Take a wheel off his bike and store it where he can't find it.
Take/disable his phone/electronics at around midnight so he can sleep.
Make sure he has a loud alarm clock.

It’s up to him, with support from his parents, to get up on time. He needs better alarms. That may mean multiple alarms on the same device. It might mean multiple alarm clocks. It might even be one of those crazy alarm clocks that rolls off the table and you have to go searching for it to turn it off. It doesn’t matter if it takes setting 16 alarms, you shouldn’t have to wake up even once if you have been working late.

He needs to get himself up for school at this age. if he is late for school. and gets in trouble, then that will be a wake up call so to speak. He needs to train his brain, to get real about getting up in the morning. Does he go to bed at a reasonable time. or stay up too late. You can buy those big alarm clocks with a loud clanging bell thing on them, better than gadgets that just beep all the time.

I used to have one of those big alarm clocks that had a loud bell sound, but I used to put it on a unit across the room from my bed, and it was so loud and annoying, that I just had to get out of bed, and go and switch it off.

You definitely shouldn't be responsible for getting him up. You're his sister, not his parent.

Who should be responsible is then the question.

He obviously struggles a lot himself, and sounds like he's skipped school a couple of times. That's a very slippery slope as if he's done it once with few consequences then the temptation is there to keep doing it, especially as it's less effort than getting himself up and to school on time.

What is his attitude to all of this?

Does he have any insight into how much hassle he is causing other people who are havign to run around after him and make sure he's up?

And finally are the school involved at all? If he skipped school then they should know about it. If it's a half decent school then they should also be putting support in place - obviously not to get him up, but a plan of action for making sure he attends which everyone knows about.

@Namenic

Ps - I’m pretty sure if they turn the wifi off and keep phones downstairs at 11pm, the kids will be able to wake up in the am.

Also this.

If he's staying up too late, this is a simple way to put a stop to it.

At 14 not only did I get myself up in a morning for school, but at the weekends I had a Saturday job and I used to get up and leave before my parents were even up.
He's his own responsibility. I'd let him be late for school and let the school and your parents duke it out.

Some ideas for alarm clocks

www.boredpanda.com/20-annoyingly-creative-alarm-clocks/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

You need to talk to your parents, lots of 'big sister's take on the role of part time mum and it's not fair to you or him.

Does he get pocket money? If your parents will agree have him pay you for waking him up, every time you have to wake him money is removed from his pocket money.

There are alarm clocks that parachute themselves into the bedroom or roll away once they go off so you have to physically get up to find them in order to shut them off. Get him one, then say you're no longer waking him up because he's not a primary school kid.

“he does have a phone, but often sets it to silent for when he's in school so doesn't get in trouble, then forgets to change it.”

My phone is always on silent... the alarm still goes off with noise, I’m pretty sure most phones do that...

But even if it doesn’t, you just need one of these, set somewhere he has to get out of bed to turn off

4 inches (about 10.2 cm) dual bell alarm clock with three-dimensional dial Simple alarm clock loud ringing www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0919K9HY1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_TBN246J4QVTB3DYMHZQT?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21