Dd13 hates school. What can I do?

[hidinginthegarden]

She's not been happy at school since Yr 5 when she got dropped by her best friend. Yr 6 was a bit of a drama as she tried to find another friendship group but she struggled a bit with anxiety and had a bit of private counselling.

When she started secondary school it took her a while to find where she fits with friendships but towards the end of last year it got better and she moved classes in a few subjects so she was with friends.
She's now in Yr 9 but they have just started their GCSE choices. I thought that would be better as it meant she's not doing the subjects she doesn't like but it's almost worse and she just hates everything, doesn't see the point of it and can't be bothered!! She complains every single day about going and while she's really really bright, she's not putting in any effort and so grades are falling. Especially in maths and science - which she perceives to be for geeks.

We have an older child who did really well at school but they've now moved on to college. We thought that might be better as she's wasn't in their shadow any more but it's made no difference.

She won't get involved in school (being a prefect etc) but she is really involved in running and coaching at some other activities. And appearance is SO important to her.

But the moaning and complaining every day is so wearing and I feel she's missing out or limiting her opportunities.

What can I do? We've offered a tutor andbto talk to teachers but she's adamant she doesn't want either of those.
Any words of advice or strategies we can try to get her to enjoy it or at least appreciate it and make more effort?!?!

My son has never been bothered about school, when he was in year 9 we looked up the college courses he was jnterested in and told him what he needed to achieve to get on them now he is in year 10 he seems a lot more focused as he sees school as a means to an ends. Also we told him if he doesnt pass maths and English he will have to keep doing them until he does (college rules) so that seems to have spurred him on a bit

I sympathise. DD 15, now y11 really hated years 8&9, 10 was marginally better and 11 is ok now she can see light at the end of the tunnel as there’s effectively only six months left. Ironically she’ll probably stay on for sixth form.

My advice would be to try and step back a bit. Just keep reiterating that everyone(ish) has to do school, and enjoying it is lovely but largely irrelevant. One just wants to keep the options open, for which one needs to pass exams.

This will possibly go over her head atm though, so I think you’re just going to have to put up with being worn down for a while longer. If you can just agree that yes it’s awful blah blah whilst distracting with cake and occasional nice treats you might wear her down a bit too?
Good luck

Have you spoken to the school? Maybe her head of year or the guidance worker?

Just tell them what you posted here, they should be able to offer some support for your Dd.

(My 14 dd (has asd) often refuses school, has no interest in school and hw is a nightmare. The moaning about school drives me nuts. She suffers from anxiety but is also lazy and cant be bothered).

It’s such a hard time - for you and her and I really feel for you. My daughter was just the same in year 9 and 10. I think if she’s going in and not refusing, and has a group of friends and seems ok (ish) … then I think the advice to step back a bit is good. Let her moan to you and dump her feelings, listen, hear her out and then try and move the subject on. Often they want someone to listen to them and then once they’ve offloaded they feel better but leave you worrying. Try not to worry and offer solutions or tell her she’s lucky to have an education. Hear her out bit don’t take it to heart xx