DD17 going off the rails right under my nose

[lupinlass]

DD has a long history of self harm, substance misuse and low self esteem. She is 17.5yo. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive) and likely bipolar 2 (but psychiatrist reluctant to label/diagnose so young) and possible personality disorder.

She commenced Aripiprazole at the beginning of July but has been getting worse and worse with her behaviour and I can't see it helping at all. She does miss lots of doses though due to uncompliance.

She had managed to obtain fake ID and is regularly drinking vodka to the point where she is verbally abusive to me. She has smoked weed in the past but not so much now and is trying to cut out nicotine so is vaping not smoking. She has lost 5kg since July and has hugely disordered eating.

Last week she stayed out all night in our nearest city. She kept her tracker on but I've no idea who she was with. Last night she called a taxi and left our house with no shoes on to go to a male friends house without telling us. It was only by chance is saw her leaving that I know. She was off her head on vodka.

This goes way beyond your usual teenage angst/behaviour and I realise she is mentally quite unwell. She sees a psychiatrist via zoom once a month and has started DBT but according to her this is 'shit' and doesn't help.

I am lost. It is now affecting me in that I rarely sleep well, I've started having panic attacks and a feeling of constant nausea and anxiety. I have no idea what the future holds for her. She doesn't want to get better it would seem.

I doubt I'll have many replies as she's so extreme but does anyone else have experience of a teenager falling down a rabbit hole of self destruct and coming back up the other side?

I feel like if I wrote a diary on here of what she's like no one would believe me.

So sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom but I didn't want to leave no answers.

I'm sure someone with experience will be along soon.

Sorry you're going through this

There are two priorities - getting help for her (if she will take it) and getting help for you to cope with it.

Where is her dad? I don't think you mention him..

Do you have any relatives or friends you can talk to? Can you afford any counselling for yourself?

Lots of people go spectacularly off the rails and then come right, but of course you can't just ignore what is happening, especially with the MH concerns.

I am so sorry, OP. Sending love and an unmumsnetty hug

As teens, Friend's DD went wild. Cousin's DD went wild.
Long road but stable now (mid 20s, late 30s).

She's back now as I picked her up but is spectacularly pissed off I threw her remaining vodka away. Telling me what a bitch I am and saying when she's 18 she can do what the fuck she likes.

I am a shell of the person I used to be. I have 3 other dc all with their own mental health struggles and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I called the gp about the panic attacks and anxiety but was told because it's situational there's nothing to help apart from mindfulness, eating healthily etc. Is this right? I feel I could use counselling but have no idea with who or actually how it will help. My happiness is down to my kids it would seem. If she/they were happy and stable I would be too. Talking about it all to someone won't change them.

Her dad left me when I was pregnant with her. Had 2yo ds at this time too. I think she has got abandonment issues from this tbh. Historically I've not involved him much, mainly at her request, because of how he responds to it all. He is involved and loving but there are many issues from the past that influence why he's not told stuff. Probably wrong but too late now.

I am so so sad the the loving little girl I was so close too has gone....

You’re doing everything you can to help her. You did the right thing clearing the house of vodka

If the aripriprazole isn’t helping, then I’d call the MHT and let them know that she is worse since starting it. Two months is enough time to see if it would work.

There is support for you, ask the MHT for a carer’s assessment. This will be about support you need as her primary carer. It can include referral to group therapy/support groups with people in similar situation as you.

She is still very young, there is every possibility if she engages with the DBT and therapy that she can get back on track. All my best to you in this difficult time.

I really feel for you and it sounds like you need to push to get your own needs sorted because you can't pour from an empty cup.
Does she have any understanding of how her behaviour is affecting you? I hope I'm not being ridiculous in suggesting a really open and vulnerable talk with her.

Findingmeno. Ironically as I pressed send for my last message she came in to my room and said she wants therapy. Whilst the dbt is trying to help with her behaviour and eating it is not getting to the root of her problems. Unraveling why she feels so sad. Why she self harms etc.

It is all a mess and thanks to the pp who recommended group therapy for other parents experiencing similar. I think this will really help me tbh as I feel so alone amongst my friends and their 'normal' kids

She is having the dbt and psychiatrist input privately with the Priory as it's covered by her dads private health thing. I will talk to them about support for parents.

The other surprise is she's going in to college this morning whereas I thought she would feel rotten!

She does have some understanding of how it effects me but a lot of the time there is no empathy at all.

I just told her she needs to learn to love herself as that self esteem and caring of herself can only come from her.

I'm usually scared of having an honest and open conversation with her because of her reactions but I think me telling her what I see in front of me, telling her the reasons why I think it's happening etc has helped this morning

I did, I finally showed her some vulnerability in me because I feel like the strength I've had for so long is now disappearing rapidly and I can't carry on.

Usually when I show any vulnerability in me she gets annoyed and cross but I'm at a point now where I can't do anything but show her my sadness to be honest.

It's true, my cup is very nearly empty

Oh bless her.
Let her know you love her unconditionally and that you will always be there for her.
She's poorly, and lots of honest conversations and nurturing might go way further than punishments imo

And bless you, op

It's so ironic that you are telling me these things because that conversation I just had I've just done all that and I never normally do it and it seems to have helped because she is now saying she wants therapy. I do love her unconditionally and I just told her so. I never punish her it doesn't work with somebody like her thank you so much for taking the time to post

She sounds very unwell. As I was as a teen, and without my medication I still would be now. In my experience punishments of any kind, for any of the behaviours, just won't work. You need to show you you care and that you're there for her. It's so hard but that's all you can do and if you show her all the kindness in the world, she will hopefully eventually open up to you.

You sound like you need some support too. Please try and get yourself some counselling so you're able to help her.

She loves you too @lupinlass I think you can be sure of that.

i have no advice but i wanted to say how strong i think you are, you're supporting your daughter so well. From the outside all I see is a caring mum who refuses to quit when it comes to advocating for their kid. I wish you and your family the absolute best

I have been using a counsellor for a year now to help me cope with my 17yo DD's depression & anxiety (and a load of other stuff).

Just having that 50mins in the week to offload and know I won't be judged, with occasional questions and feedback has been helpful in helping me keep going. It is £45 a time though, which I know isn't affordable to many.

Im sorry to hear all this. Going to college sounds positive. I have a 14 year old with MH issues who is going off the rails, in similar but more junior way. It's awful having to parent these very difficult kids. We somehow have to find the strength to tough it out, and it is bloody exhausting and miserable. Sometimes I wish someone would just take the damn child into care.

I'm bipolar. I'm early 40s now. I'm not sure WHY I'm bipolar but I was raised by a very erratic mother where her live was all or nothing. We lived with my dad but he was like a stranger to me, very detached. Behaviour modelling by them could explain a lot. But I was also sexually exploited/abused due to my crippling insecurity. This led to alcohol and class a drug problems. By the time I was 19 I'd had sex with over 1500 people and was very very of the rails. My Coke addiction was out of control and I was self harming and putting myself in ridiculously dangerous situations but at the same time I was very high functioning and so got away with it. Then I find myself with two small babies and in a very abusive relationship.

Long story short he went to prison after I reported him for raping my baby sitter and for beating me black and blue. I got clean. Then I went to uni. Met a lovely man buti was still rather unstable. His patience and love saved my life. I told him an awful lot of what happened and he still accepted me, still loved me. Then I had a a break down age 30 when the girl I used to baby sit for got in touch to say her step dad, the man who had raped me as a young teen, was in prison for horrifically abusing her. I totally lost it. Then cage the diagnosis of Cptsd from my childhood and the rape and bipolar.

Again, my husband saved me. I had to address everything through therapy and THAT was the turning point in my life. I want healed before then, I was just glued together but the infection was still hidden inside me. I had 26 weeks of intensive psychotherapy with a proper Dr physiologist. I started to take responsibility for my own actions and learned how to say I need help and not see it as a failure on my part. I Learned that I'm not a rehab Center for abusive or damaged men and that in fact all the men I'd been with as a teen were looking to anuse me or take advantage, while I was looking for comfort and human contact. I learned how to self soothe and forgive people for their actions against me. And I really have, I feel nothing but pity for every single one of them.

In the last ten years I've finished a degree, a masters, a teaching qualification and an about to launch my own business. I am always going to be wobbly and a bit bipolar but now I'm mostly prescription drug free and practice a huge amount of mindfulness and am grateful for every single thing in my life.

I know that this whole epic I've just written doesn't help you now, but I want you to know that your daughter WILL get better and you will both get through this. I always remember telling my psychologist that my wrist behaviour seemed to taper off by age 24 and she said that in an awful lot of young people, the brain and hormone levels don't mature and settle fully until 24-25. I honestly believe that my hormones had a lot to do with it as I'm watching my daughter go through very similar now at age 22/23.

I'd believe you.

I am a woman with adhd (among other things including autism).

At her age I was perma-drunk, started experimenting with ecstasy and speed, was promiscuous and unstable and unsettled in every area of my life.

My parents didn't know most of what I was doing though, this was the age before proper phones.

I didn't have a good family life. But if your daughter has love without judgment, and there's a relationship in there somewhere with you, then it's the mental health stuff which needs sorting first. Medication for anxiety and depression must be taken daily without fail. Only once this is in place will therapy be more helpful to her. The adhd must be stabilised as much as possible with medication. She needs to understand her adhd and what causes which impulses and desires and why.

She will likely come back down to earth eventually but the hormones happening at this age isn't helping.

Make sure she's safe, with condoms and other contraceptives.

Adhders tend to have addictive personalities and it's hard to avoid things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and anything which gives a rush or thrill.

Hope this helps. What would have helped me was being diagnosed as a child and also having a family I could have a proper parent and child relationship with.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. She went to college yesterday but fainted as she got off the train. They wanted to call an ambulance but she wouldn't let them and continued to college. The effects of too much vodka, too little sleep, no food and an Aripiprazole tablet I think...

@teenminustests - I am seriously going to look into seeing someone for me. It is good to hear that it has helped you over the last year.

@katycaterpillar - it is totally exhausting and all encompassing. I have other dc too who take up much of my emotional energy. I have to say, never having had mental health problems as an adolescent, this is certainly not what I thought parenting would be like. I hope you manage to keep your dc on a good path. Good luck with all the challenges it brings!

@fantastaballs - thank you so much for your honest and open post. I guess she is not going off the rails so spectacularly.... You sound like you have had an incredibly difficult start to life and I am so happy for you that you have turned it all around. That is incredible and hats off to you. I hope my dd finds herself a wonderful man too! I have been thinking that I can imagine she will get better and calm down by the time she is 24/25yo. You don't see many adults 'going off the rails' do you. But when I think that is 6-7 years away I panic!!

@mildcreamycheddar - thank you too for your post. Interesting to hear from an adhd'r. I am hoping with the therapy that she now wants (although this morning she said she is having regrets about suggesting this as she was still drunk when she said it )coupled with the dbt, psychiatrist and my love and support she will be OK. She definitely appears to have an addictive personality be it weed/cigarettes/vodka/risk taking. I just hope the meds will calm this down and help make her more stable.

It is just so hard when these instances happen in front of you. The physical affects on me are something I have not experienced before and i need to learn how to cope with them. My dh bought me some Rescue Remedy yesterday to try and help!

Today is calm with her.

DS on the other hand......

She's come home drunk again. Not sure how much more I can do this. I know there are others who do worse than her but it's the way I'm coping, or not, that is my biggest problem atm.

I used to pride myself on my own mental health being resilient enough to get me through the constant fear and anxiety. Now it's failing and I don't know what to do

I want to not give a shit and just let her get on with it but I just can't.

I'm so sorry to read your update. You are still that resilient person but that strength is taking a real battering at the moment. I went through a very tough phase with my daughter a couple of years ago and it is absolutely soul destroyingly brutal. I also couldn't believe being a mum was so painful and exhausting. I used to look at other parents and wonder what I was doing so wrong.

Is there any pastoral support you can ask for at her college? I don't really have any further advice other than hang in there, it will get better. You are obviously a very caring and loving mum.

it’s very hard; i do understand. my DS is 17 now, he has been diagnosed with adhd and possible bipolar. he won’t take any medication. despite this over the last two years he has taken virtually every recreational drug; he has been violent, stolen stuff from me and others. it has been a nightmare. i am a single mum also, i have been at the end of my tether. some things that have helped me: CBT has helped me to get things in perspective. i have done my best, i am not responsible fir his choices. 2. sertraline to help with anxiety has absolutely been a game changer. it has really enabled me to be calmer. 3. being honest with work etc about the problems i was having. 4. calling the police when he threatened me. they were helpful.
i got DS some help through the alcohol and drugs people; that ws quite helpful; it didn’t stop him but it did educate him. he isn’t out of the woods at all, but after two years of hell things are a lot better. he has been coming to his own decisions. see what help you can get for you. the adhd charity add-vance helped me; i don’t know if that is near you, or there is something similar? stick with it and don’t blame yourself! you’re doing your best