Bedtime for 14 year old?

[maz210]

My 14 year old daughter (year 10) is lobbying us for a later bedtime. I agree with her but DH doesn't so I'd love to know what others feel is reasonable?

Bedtime since starting secondary school has always been 9pm school nights and 10pm weekends. She has a long commute to school so needs to be up at 6am to get the bus although a couple of times a week she gets a lift and can lie in until 7am.

She has always struggled to get to sleep and is often still awake at midnight. My logic is that if she's awake in bed reading every night then she may as well stay up a bit longer and be tired when she gets into bed.

Another factor to consider is that her 13 year old brother also has a 9pm bedtime - they were only 15 months apart in age so they've always had the same bedtime. The difference is that he seems to need more sleep, he's always out like a light within minutes of getting into bed and has to be up at 6am every day. DH thinks it's unfair on him if his sister can stay up later whereas I think they need different amounts of sleep at the moment and he's old enough to understand and accept that.

Please let me have your thoughts as DH and I can't seem to reach an agreement on this.

Our year 9, 13 year old hasn’t had set bedtimes for a while.

Sometimes he goes at 10.30, other times he takes himself up nearer to 9. He’s old enough and mature enough to regulate this himself. Is there a reason that your dd needs such set bedtimes?

Our yr 10 DS we ask to be in bed by 10pm on school nights and screen time turns his phone off at 10:30
On week ends there is no bed time but screen time goes off at 11:30

I chase ds (nearly 15) up to bed at 10.30pm during the week although he doesn't need to get up at 6am.

He does rugby training one night that means he's not home until nearly 9pm and he needs to eat before bed. Other nights he trains until 7.30pm.

Sounds fair to me that they can have different bedtimes if one is older than the other

DS (13) used to go to bed between 9 and 10, but recently he goes to bed at 9 sharp. He has long days in school and plays a lot of sport. He is also in a permanent growth spurt. He says he needs his sleep. He is sensible like that.
Perhaps instead of a set bedtime, you could use a time range, so they can have some independence, but still not stay up too late.

We say good night at around 9/9.30 to our yr 10 14 yr old who also struggles to get to sleep. We then leave her to read and to decide when she is sleep enough to turn off light and attempt sleep. Seems to be working a bit better now she is in charge and a few times recently she has been asleep when we have gone in ar 11/11.30 as we are going to bed.

They need 8-9 hours sleep at that age.

And few teenagers are good at self regulation (nor are many adults).

So probably 9pm (maybe 9:30pm) is good on weekdays, but I would allow more freedom at the weekend.

The key is no small screens/games within an hour of bedtime.

@Muchtoomuchtodo

Our year 9, 13 year old hasn’t had set bedtimes for a while.

Sometimes he goes at 10.30, other times he takes himself up nearer to 9. He’s old enough and mature enough to regulate this himself. Is there a reason that your dd needs such set bedtimes?

I don't think she needs it, no. She's very responsible and I think she could just decide when she's ready to go up herself. Her younger brother definitely needs a set bedtime though, he'd be up until the early hours just because he could and he still seems to need 9 hours sleep a night.

It doesn't help that they both have to get up so early but we can't do anything about that. Their buses leave early and both of them have to be out at 7am. Although as I said my daughter gets a lift a couple of times a week so gets an extra hour in bed.

I wouldn’t stop my teen reading if they couldn’t sleep. Lying there awake is just going to make it worse.

My 14 year old doesn’t have a set bedtime. It’s usually about 10-10.30 on a school night when he goes to bed. He gets up 6.45.
My nine year old goes to bed at 9pm on a school night, I think it’s very early for a 14 year old.

It really does depend on the child and how much sleep they need plus their ability to self regulate. Your dd shouldn’t have to lie in bed awake because her brother is tired!

We don’t have a bedtime at weekends

As in, he is awake when I go to sleep and I don’t know what time he turned his light out

My 13 year older DS has lights off and phone with me at half ten school nights but he has always needed less sleep than his older brother. Fridays he has no cut off, can have his phone and has a good life in. Saturday we all tend to go bed around midnight and I have his phone again.

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

I wouldn’t stop my teen reading if they couldn’t sleep. Lying there awake is just going to make it worse.

My 14 year old doesn’t have a set bedtime. It’s usually about 10-10.30 on a school night when he goes to bed. He gets up 6.45.
My nine year old goes to bed at 9pm on a school night, I think it’s very early for a 14 year old.

It really does depend on the child and how much sleep they need plus their ability to self regulate. Your dd shouldn’t have to lie in bed awake because her brother is tired!

She's always been allowed to read in bed, she either uses a light or reads on her kindle.

I agree with you about them having different needs right now - at the moment it feels like she's being punished because her brother needs more sleep than her.

Do kindles not emit blue light which affects melatonin and therefore sleep?

I’d suggest she has plenty exercise on day one (today or whatever) so she’s physically tired, no blue light devices after 9pm and at bedtime reads a paperback book and you remove her devices overnight for a week and see if she gets to sleep easier. Exercise generally makes you tired so that could be key to get her into a new routine. You know yourself it’s hard to do that. I struggle after holidays to go to bed at ‘working day’ bedtimes again!

I'm surprised at the idea of a 14yo still having set bedtimes. She'll be an adult in 4 years, time she is allowed to learn to self regulate! Mine is 16, and has learnt through experience that she needs her sleep.

Why is your dh so determined that she should go to bed by 9pm? Is it about her getting enough sleep? Being fair to her younger brother? Getting her out of the way by a certain time so that you have some adult time in the evenings? I think he is being really unreasonable tbh. She isn't a baby any more.

@Elieza

Do kindles not emit blue light which affects melatonin and therefore sleep?

I’d suggest she has plenty exercise on day one (today or whatever) so she’s physically tired, no blue light devices after 9pm and at bedtime reads a paperback book and you remove her devices overnight for a week and see if she gets to sleep easier. Exercise generally makes you tired so that could be key to get her into a new routine. You know yourself it’s hard to do that. I struggle after holidays to go to bed at ‘working day’ bedtimes again!

No kindle ereaders don't emit blue light The tablet might but not the ereader

Do kindles not emit blue light which affects melatonin and therefore sleep?

The paperwhite ones don't emit much blue light at all.

9pm for a 14 year old is ridiculous IMO. You say she has had the same bedtime since starting secondary- so since she was 11?12?

Yes you definitely need to allow her some freedom here.

Mine didn't even need to be in until 9:30pm when they were that age and definitely didn't have a bed time. My youngest is 11 and in high school and she is getting a 9:30-10:30 'bedtime' so she can start to learn how to regulate her own times.

13 yo dd is similar to yours with sleeping. I don't set her bedtime any more really but she goes at about 10 and weekends about 11. If she can't sleep she listens to music for a bit.

Don't 14 year olds manage their own bedtimes? My nearly 11 year old does. 9pm is very early. She's still at guides at that time and I have to collect her with dd8 who's bedtime on other nights is 9

I find that rather strange that both your dc of different ages have to have the same bed time-they are not twins she is older therefore should go later! DS 14 is lights out 10:30, any earlier and he just lies awake.

I didn't have bedtimes by that age and found they take themselves off to bed when tired, just like I do.

DD 14 goes at 10 on school days with no devices. Up at 7. Weekends are no set time but I might suggest he'd when I go at 11ish

@OnthePiste

I find that rather strange that both your dc of different ages have to have the same bed time-they are not twins she is older therefore should go later! DS 14 is lights out 10:30, any earlier and he just lies awake.

This has just carried on from when they were tiny, it made sense to be putting them both to bed at the same time then and we've never needed to change it.

Their needs are different now though, my son definitely still needs to go up around 9, he plays rugby 5 times a week and has always needed lots of sleep.

My daughter's kindle doesn't emit blue light so fine for use at night. Phones/iPads stay downstairs so it's not that she's staying up late on those. She also showers before bed so isn't on screens right up until 9pm.

That's a bit early. I'd say 10pm school nights and no limit on non school nights. That's what I did with my daughter about that age.

My 14yo goes to bed around 10pm school nights. He can read a book if he wants to. Gaming PC has to be switched off 9pm school nights though. Reading until sleepy is good for them.