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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need some advice on parenting please

14 replies

Bigdaddy79 · 14/09/2021 22:39

Hello everybody

I'm in a bit of a pickle & I don't know what to do.

My 19 year old daughter is forever falling out with her mum , due to her little sister helping herself to her stuff , make up , clothes ect .

Mum tends to side with her younger sister & this upsets my daughter greatly .

She wants to move out as its getting that bad , her boyfriends mum has said she can live there , also my parents have said she can move in there no problem.

The problem I have is that I feel like a really bad father at the moment, as I've had a discussion with my gf of 6 years & she doesn't want her to move in here , we're at logger heads over it , I want to be able to give my daughter the option to give my daughter the option to move in here.

My gf doesn't have kids & doesn't want any , my daughter often spends 3-4 days here when she has break from her mum & sister with no issues at all , everybody gets on .

Just don't know what to do , it's as I said I feel like a bad father, to the point of me calling time on the relationship because of the above

What do I do ???

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
themuttsnutts · 14/09/2021 22:45

That sounds really tough. Has your gf given any reasons why she doesn't want your daughter to move in? Does your daughter want to move in?

katslaterqueen · 14/09/2021 22:48

I would seriously have a think about things with your gf, if it is causing you two to argue when it comes to whether or not your own daughter can move in with you, I feel that says quite a lot. Your gf should understand that your daughter will always be your priority.

Original poster
Bigdaddy79 · 14/09/2021 23:03

My GF doesn't have any kids of her own , my daughter hasn't said directly she wants to move in with me , but I can read between the lines if you know what I mean , my GF has said there's no issue her coming her for a couple of days at a time , but doesn't want her to move in permanent, my daughter does this every year then has a break from her mum then goes back home , just a horrible situation to be in really , problem is too we rent a place & it would be me who moved out , even though my GF couldn't afford to live here on her own , it's not as easy as just moving out .... heart bleeds for my daughter though , she doesn't want to move in with nana & grandad as there old fashioned & are high risk RE covid & doesn't want to move in with her BF as she won't see her best friend as much , been pondering over this for the past couple of days , just need to talk to somebody about it

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 14/09/2021 23:12

If it is your home too then you should be allowed to offer your daughter a room.

Could you find a compromise say she stays with you in the week or just weekends?

I think a 19 year old could be hard work BUT your girlfriend knew you had kids I assume?

Other option is to pay for room for her. I was at uni at 18 & plenty of people live in fiat shares at that age.

katslaterqueen · 14/09/2021 23:17

@converseandjeans

If it is your home too then you should be allowed to offer your daughter a room.

Could you find a compromise say she stays with you in the week or just weekends?

I think a 19 year old could be hard work BUT your girlfriend knew you had kids I assume?

Other option is to pay for room for her. I was at uni at 18 & plenty of people live in fiat shares at that age.

I know of a few people who have lived in house shares, SpareRoom app is good x
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 14/09/2021 23:23

That's a tricky one. Where you live is home to you and your gf. It wouldn't work if the gf doesn't want it, at least she is being honest about that, and I presume when you set up home together this wasn't an issue so neither of you are breaking any promises by the positions you are taking.
Which rather leaves you having to choose. I don't think either of you are in the wrong here. But if what you want in the relationship has changed (her living with your dd as part of the package) and she can't give you what you want then you have to decide whether you still want to be in the relationship.
In the needs triangle you are caught in what solutions are available and what do you want to prioritise out of the options?

Anordinarymum · 14/09/2021 23:25

I know this might seem like a poor bit of advice, but couldn't your daughter get something to put her makeup etc in that has a lock?

Do the girls share a bedroom?
If she has her own room could she get a lock on the door?
Does your daughter have a job and pay for her own things?

Tell me to shut up. I'm just trying to build a picture

Original poster
Bigdaddy79 · 14/09/2021 23:54

I want my daughter to be happy & ok , there is a compromise in place & that's she can come here 3-4 days a week no issue, she's not even told me directly she wants to move in with me , she just keeps asking me for advice as she doesn't know what to do .....

She has a job & shares a room with her sister , I recommended a lockable box for her stuff , but it doesn't seem to be what she wants , I even recommend her making a deal with her younger sister £5 a week spends if she behaves , think she's massively fed up with her mum siding with her younger sister all the time , would mind she's hardly ever there , she works unsociable hours at a restaurant, then goes to see her best friend & at weekends she goes & stays with her BF , immjusyvthunking of getting one of these big heavy duty lockable boxes from amazon for her solves everything then , sister is a nasty piece of work , seen some of the text messages & it's pretty shocking coming from a 12 year old , think her mum sees it as she had to share tops, coats & shoes with her sister , so daughter should too , yet daughter buys her own stuff , tried to also tell her not to react as people tend to do things to get a reaction, but at the same time if she doesn't react then it says it OK for this to continue

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 15/09/2021 00:44

If your daughter works and is paying board then it is not fair of her mum to expect her to share clothes with a 12 year old.

It sounds like a bad situation all round and perhaps the best alternative is to move out.

A big lockable box would be the answer in the short term. A shame she would have to do this, but if she pays her mother board then she is entitled to have her things left alone.

Get the box and then consider the next step.

i assume the 12 year old is not your daughter OP ?

Original poster
Bigdaddy79 · 15/09/2021 07:22

Thanks for everbodies advice it means alot , no the 12 year old isn't my daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigdaddy79 · 15/09/2021 22:52

& then just as expected she's sorted things out with her mum & wants to live at home again ..... kids !!!!!

OP posts:
themuttsnutts · 16/09/2021 09:36

Ah, well, it's sorted for now then Wink

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/09/2021 09:42

I really feel for her not having her belongs taken into account by her own mother in clear bias for her younger sibling. That's not good for your self esteem at all. If I was you and couldn't offer her a home if make sure I supported her emotionally, let her her out of her chest, reassure her she's not unreasonable for being unhappy with the dynamic at home, tell her she's is hugely loved and it isn't OK for her mum to treat her this way. She might 'want' to live at home again now, but really what are her options anyway and if she is internalising this message maybe it's part of her self image that's this is it for her.
This must be distressing for you to watch but if your situation is such you can't offer a solution make sure you put time into mitigating the damage, that at least is something you can do.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/09/2021 09:42

Belongs =feelings (taken into account)

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