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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Sad & worried about about my 13 year old

21 replies

Mumoffootieboys · 14/09/2021 17:06

My son is 13, just gone into y9 at school and I’m really struggling with how he’s changed.
He’s been getting moodier over the past year or so, doesn’t want any affection from me and barely even speaks to me. He doesn’t want to do anything much as a family any more, only really wants to do things with his dad and his dads friends. I’ve also recently found some things on his phone where he’s been messaging girls on social media being flirty etc. All of which I’m sure is normal behaviour for his age but I hate it!
I know I’m probably being really dramatic but I feel like I’m grieving for the boy he once was. I keep crying when I look at old pics and think about things we used to do.
Please tell me anyone else has felt like this?

OP posts:
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 14/09/2021 21:20

100%. It’s actually heartbreaking and will get a lot worse over the next few years. The only consolation is that it sounds like you’ve done your job well and he is successfully pulling away from you, which of course is what they have to do.

Keep as close as you can, ruffle his hair, request the odd hug, listen whenever he drops tiny bits of info and ask about them later, and always provide food and comfort.

He will come around eventually, taller, probably spottier and possibly smellier, but still your boy.

And the love he has for you doesn’t disappear, he just has other stuff that he has to do right now and a place to find in what he sees as the man’s world.

RumblyMumbly · 14/09/2021 21:36

Oh your posts have made me tear up! Approaching this with my DC. Under no circumstances play ' slipping through my fingers' by ABBA OP

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 14/09/2021 21:49

@RumblyMumbly no one tells you that you only have your children until they go to secondary. After that you’re screwed.

Whether or not you have a relationship with them after that is largely luck and how compliant they are ime.

topcat2014 · 14/09/2021 21:51

YY to keep away from Abba..

( AS a dad of 14 yo Dd)

PeterPomegranate · 14/09/2021 21:56

Waaahhh. Eldest has just started secondary school. He’s telling us lots at the moment but I can see the future.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/09/2021 22:07

Mine are both at secondary school now and they both seem suddenly so much older. We’re all still close but my eldest is definitely a bit more detached. I think a few friendship and bullying issues have hardened them a bit and it makes me want to cry. I keep seeing old pics pop up on my phone of when they were little. Although I’m pleased they’re turning into independent people I think I grieve a little bit for the little people they used to be. I guess that’s natural.

Thethreecs · 14/09/2021 22:41

Bad news, it'll get worse. He'll start mumbling, when you ask him to repeat what he's saying, he'll eye roll, probably mumble more and it's best to try catch a couple of words and make your own sentence up as to what he's saying.

Then the tutting, then the "God's sake'. The not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to go anywhere because it will be" BORING " and he might be seen with you, will walk 10 paces ahead of you, will look absolutely horrified if you ask a simple question.

Everything you say will be not cool and you're old so don't know anything. Don't dare talk to him in front of people in shops, his mates actually anywhere there's other people.

Don't suggest that it's 30 degrees out and he doesn't need a hoodie, don't suggest that it's minus 2 degrees out and actually needs the hoodie now.

Don't ask him if he wants a drink or ice cream when out, you'll get an eye roll and a "NO", just buy it cos he'll eat /drink it.

Everything you say will sound like your giving out so I suggest singing when communicating with him, throw in a few jazz hands just to ensure they get the message that you're not in a bad mood.

From 14 years to 16 years don't tell him he smells, they become allergic to showers at this age. By 17 years build an extra shower room as you'll never get into the bathroom because he'll be washing the skin off himself.

Do not ever hug and kiss him beyond your front door.

Things will have settled by 18 years, well.... it won't be as bad, by 20 they will actually ask you to go somewhere like a lunch day or clothes shopping day. You'll get a few short moments during these years where there will be a glimpse of your little boy, embrace these, they are few and far between.

MerylSqueak · 14/09/2021 22:44

I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing lalalalala....

PeterPomegranate · 15/09/2021 08:44

Thank you @Thethreecs. Genuinely.

carlycurly · 15/09/2021 19:10

It happened at 12.5 for both of mine. Like they were possessed. One is almost through it at just gone 16, the youngest reduced me to tears just today for being just so utterly foul at 14. I'm relatively easygoing but this stage is thankless and awful and I so miss the affectionate, funny little boy I used to have. I'm on my own with them a lot and am finding it quite lonely. It's difficult to do more for myself because I'm primarily a taxi service for them.

I keep telling myself it will pass. 🤞

My hope is pinned on the fact he is very like an uncle, who was horrific as a teen but is now the loveliest, most generous adult.

Mumoffootieboys · 16/09/2021 10:52

Thank you all. Makes me feel better that we’re not alone in this!
I suppose I just have to accept it is perfectly normal and to try and take what I can from him.

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 16/09/2021 10:55

Oh I'm crying now! My eldest is 11 and I can already see him pulling away a bit. I'm dreading what is to come :(

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 16/09/2021 14:17

Oh absolutely normal. I think its a grief that can be life long. I was in tears the other day watching a little boy of around 2 who looked exactly like DS at the same age. DS and I are very, very close - and he is 37 years old!

Lindy2 · 16/09/2021 14:26

I spent last summer with a 12 year old who enjoyed days out and going for evening bike rides with me.

This summer the 12 year old has now turned 13 and will hardly even speak to me (unless it's to moan about something or to ask me to spend money) let alone go anywhere happily with me.

It happens very suddenly doesn't it. I'm savouring every moment with my 10 year old as I now know how quickly it can change.

RumblyMumbly · 16/09/2021 21:21

Oh this is heart wrenching. But I also remember how awful I was to my parents during early teens, such an awkward life stage!

Wine, tea or whatever gets you through until they emerge as well rounded adults.

StCharlotte · 16/09/2021 21:41

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

100%. It’s actually heartbreaking and will get a lot worse over the next few years. The only consolation is that it sounds like you’ve done your job well and he is successfully pulling away from you, which of course is what they have to do.

Keep as close as you can, ruffle his hair, request the odd hug, listen whenever he drops tiny bits of info and ask about them later, and always provide food and comfort.

He will come around eventually, taller, probably spottier and possibly smellier, but still your boy.

And the love he has for you doesn’t disappear, he just has other stuff that he has to do right now and a place to find in what he sees as the man’s world.

Beautiful ❤
picklednut · 17/09/2021 09:00

Just wanted to say I totally agree with this. My son is in Year 8 and just turned 13 and at the moment its like a war zone in our house. If I say anything he disagrees with I'm "having a go at him" or he just prefers to be with his mates on his bedroom on his phone or PS4. I was starting to feel like I was the only one going through this. I'm glad that others feel the same time as it makes it a bit easier as I was starting to feel like I was doing something "wrong".

cheesegloriouscheeseyum · 17/09/2021 13:39

Oh my lord this thread has made me bawl my eyes out. My eldest is 12 next week. At the moment he's being a sod to his brother but I can see it's just a glimpse of what's to come. But, I still cant imagine him "hating" me and not wanting to spend time with me (I know they always love you really).
And my younger DS who's nearly 10 but lives for cuddles.
I'm dreading the next 6 years!

MrsBlondie · 18/09/2021 23:00

Oh totally age 12 - 13 was awful with our son. Year 8 mainly. He's now 15.5 (year 11) and we are through it. He's lovely now.
Hang in there

Runaround50 · 19/09/2021 11:34

I am totally with you.
DS is 13.5 and the epitome of Kevin the teenager!
Grumpy, moody, grunts etc etc.
He has developed a certain language and most of my words or phrases are totally off limits!

This all happened during the March 2020 lockdown onwards.

My parents haven't seen him in over 18 months and I am slightly concerned about how they will react when they do eventually see him.

DS is great in lots of ways, but these teen years are damn tough!

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