Shocked at rapid onset of teen attitude

[wingsandstrings]

DS just turned 14. Has always been laid back and loving. Have felt a little smug in the past tbh (ha ha, not any more!). Over the past couple of months he has become so argumentative, and literally pushing against any and every boundary DH and I put in place. I try to not sweat the little stuff and to listen to him and be really reasonable, but he still says that I'm 'really controlling'. He says that we all (DH, me and DD) really annoy him, and that home is not a 'positive place' for him. He is quite clever and emotionally manipulative, because he know that in order not to be controlling, and in order to make him feel like home is a positive place for him, I will do my best to avoid conflict and therefore maybe ease boundaries on phone use or homework etc. Anyway, I am struggling as to what boundaries are essential and part of good parenting. And what boundaries are no longer relevant for a 14 yr old and should be abandoned so we can live more harmoniously. He is not being bullied, I am pretty sure everything is otherwise going v well for him. He is v popular (going out with friends with no notice is a flashpoint), sporty and physically mature for his age (6ft). Essentially it seems to be hormonal/developmental stuff causing him to be a total PITA. AIBU to be shocked at this sudden transition from sweet boy to entitled and argumentative teen? And AIBU to be going for harmony over discipline????? Wisdom for those who have gone before me greatly appreciated.

Ah, testosterone I guess. I believe the approach is imagine you are playing tennis, but instead of being their opponent, stay on the same side of the net and work with them as a doubles team. That means they get some say, develop their skills of negotiation (let him win some battles, or propose some workable compromises), but expect respect and communication. He will still be taking on board what you say, even as he pushes against it, so when you want him to understand something or you want to promote a plan, 'drip it in' gradually by mentioning /suggesting ahead of time so that by the time his brain gets to the decision point he thinks its a good idea (and his idea ). Avoid unnecessary conflict but don't be a pushover. Dd is brill but she does get argumentative now and I have to grin and bear it because I hate conflict too. Good luck!

Yep this ^ you've got to keep strong, and don't back down!! Also helps if you sit and listen rather than lose your rag and argue, if you need to use stern words, keep at a tone where they know you mean business, but keep it simple, he knows shouting/ arguing/ moaning gets him nowhere, and the loss of his beloved xbox, when the dreaded hormones kick in we certainly know about it!

P.s my DS1 is also 14, so I know where your coming from, similar situation here too x

It's a documentary

i'm on my fifth teen...only advice is buckle up for the ride and hold on tight!

Is it worth thinking in a calm moment when he is not in a row with you about why the 'flashpoints' are so emotive / cause tension? I know as a parent I react so strongly to some situations and if I thinnk about it it often might not be totally rational - but based on a belief or wish for things to be a certain way.

So - maybe when there is a row/ disagreement you dont have to think that the situation has to be totally resolved then and there. God, its hard though.

@NapoleonOzmolysis

It's a documentary

HA! I saw OPs thread title and came on to post this!

The Teenager in the Greenhouse: A Psychologist's Guide to Parenting Your Teenager
Book by Graham Ramsden

This book is really straightforward and explains the changes in the brain of a teenager and how to cope as a parent

When mine were at that stage, if they wanted to do something that I wasn't happy about, I asked them to argue their case. And then I listened. Sometimes they persuaded me, sometimes they didn't- but they understood why I was saying no.

Not perfect, but we still have good open lines of communication now they're proper adults.

What is causing conflict?

Are you controlling what he does a lot? Limiting phone use, telling him when to do homework etc?

I have found that the parents who are most trying to be in control of their teens have the most conflict

I found, at this age, with my boys that talking to them honestly (about my fears regarding their internet use/gaming/eating etc) and asking what they thought was fair was the best way to approach it.

I would tell them I was worried they’d become addicted to gaming, that they’d not sleep enough if they games until late, that they would not get good enough grades to do what they want to do next if they did not do their homework

To be honest, I have learned that you cannot control another person. And that dialogue is better than conflict.

Agree with @HirplesWithHaggis too