DD12 refusing to see her dad. But what's my role?

[StarCourt]

XH and I have been split since DD was three and a half and we've pretty much had shared care since 60/40.
The first couple of years apart were pretty horrific as XH made it his mission to make my life as miserable as he could by trying to use DD against me.
I took him to court and we have had a CAO in place since DD was about 6.
DD has always been a child to not want to go to her dads but once she's there has settled down and got on with it.
Mid July she decided that she wasn't going to her dads and basically hasn't seen him since. She has spoken to him once on the phone and responded briefly to text messages from him.
For context he is from another country and lots of cultural differences.
His texts are full of 'you're the only thing in my life' 'you're my best friend' 'how can you do this to me' type of messages.
He's turned up a couple of times and DD has refused to see him.
He blames me and says if I'd told her she has to see him when all this started then we wouldn't have this situation now. Every conversation we have becomes heated and everything is turned around to be about him.
He has a history of a bad temper when frustrated, (think throwing things so they break) which DD has seen when at his, she's seen lots of arguments between him and his now ex girlfriend, he's tried to make DD take on adult decisions about things in his life rather than him actually doing the parenting. There's a long list basically.
Over the years I have tried really hard to highlight the positive aspects of her dad to DD and haven't dissed him to her at all. I've had much more involvement with him than I'd ever want just to help facilitate their relationship.
But now DD has only one parent she trusts and I don't want to lose that trust. I also think at 12 that she's able to make her own mind up about things but also not fully comprehend the future consequences of cutting contact with her dad.
I am in the middle with my loyalties completely to DD but being told by XH all the time that I could change the situation if I wanted to.
I have suggested counselling to DD which she's on board with.
But what should my role be in all of this?
What do you all think?

DD has made her feelings clear.
If you force her to visit a bad tempered, aggressive father, with whom she wants no contact, against her will, you are trampling all over her boundaries, making a mockery of consent, and telling her that she is powerless in the face of male demands.
Not only is that a dreadful preparation for life as an adult woman, it destroys her relationship with you, as you would be facilitating this abuse of her expressed wishes. How could she trust you in future?

I say this as a step parent who is very much in favour of dads being involved in the lives of the kids where possible but dont push her.
At 12 even if he tried to take you to court they would go with what your daughter wants. Just tell her you are there to talk if she needs to.
If the texts are getting excessive to the point they begin to bother her she can block him. But I would say that needs to be her choice

@Babdoc I have no intention of forcing her into doing anything re
Contact with her dad.

Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child.
I’d say your role is to find someone (a neutral third party) who can talk to your DD about her decision. Then support her in whatever that decision is.

Also to let her know that if she changes her mind at any time then you will support her in that too

Don’t waste your money on counselling. Your daughter sees her father as an aggressive and manipulating twat. No amount of counselling will change that. Support her decision not to see him. She doesn’t need him in her life and she has made her choice. Just like you did.

@GinIronic yes I do feel that in a way history is repeating itself. He hasn't learned anything from our break up

OP, as you say you have no intention of forcing DD to see her father, then you have presumably accepted her decision not to.
What are you asking in your post, as there doesn’t seem to be a problem?

@Babdoc opinions

Well I am in this same situation..
My son is 14 and no longer wants to see his dad,for about a year I was telling him he had to go, and despite moaning about it he went.
He would always come back in a bad mood though and tell us how his dad didn't spend any time with him and spent most of the visit slagging us off to son(me and my partner)
I also get very abusive texts from his dad blaming me for everything possible.
Based on this and sons wishes we have decided that son does not need to go and I have blocked him.
I did feel sad and almost sorry for sons dad but not anymore.
You reap what you sow etc etc
Good luck

Thanks @charliebear78 it sounds very similar. How does your son feel about his dad now?

To be honest there isn't much of a bond between them and he says he simply won't miss him because he has no real feelings for him.
It's all a shame but not much I can do.

You support your daughter in her choices, and if she changes her mind, you support her still.
She has the right to set boundaries, and not to be manipulated by an adult into doing things she really doesn’t want to. And a mother who backs her up.

For a lot of women whose relationships go bad, they move on, limit contact and have new partners and a new life. Which is great.
But the children are stuck with the consequences of that crap relationship for much longer, no opt-out, no control over what happens.

My DC have no contact with their father.

He was abusive. I had to take my DC to supervised contact whilst it was court mandated. My poor DC wished their lives away waiting desperately to turn ten so they could be treated as human beings with wishes and feelings and needs.

Neither sees their father now and eldest has started the process to change her surname now that she legally can. Younger one is counting down the seconds and insists she will change her name as soon as she hits eighteen.

I would block him on your phone (keep all abusive correspondence in case you need it for court in future). Let your DD decide what she wants to do and don’t push her to see her father. Tell her she can decide and you support whatever she decision she makes.

I would take her to counselling just so she can process her emotions and talk over her feelings. Really helped my DC.

Thanks @frazzledasarock that's pretty much what I'm doing except I haven't blocked him.
DD has her first counselling session tomorrow

Support your DD in her choices. Explain to your ex that she has chosen not to see him and that at 12, it is her decision. Point out that the courts would support her too.

If your ex wants to maintain contact, suggest he leaves it a while for the dust to settle and then requests a video call that should be upbeat, happy and totally without blame or pressure. He needs to rebuild her trust and if he can't do that, he only has himself to blame.

@NovemberWitch yes I think
In many instances that's probably true. I'd love him to give up and move back to
His home country. But I'd never tell DD that

@Mintjulia that's almost exactly what I've done but I said to start with texts moving on to phone calls.