Desperately worried about 16 yr old DS anxiety

[SamW98]

Hi. I posted earlier in the year that the COVId restrictions and lockdown had a really negative impact on my Y11 son who started to refuse school.
He ended up missing his assessments but thankfully his mock grades meant he just about scraped in to 6th form and his school offered him a place conditional on his attendance.

Since leaving school the end of May, he's a virtual hermit barely leaving his room. He has a very restrictive diet and eats the same food every day. He talks to his friends online and through headphones but hasn't seen any of them in weeks

Both his father and I (who live separately but have an amicable arrangement) have tried to get him out, encouraged hm to visit mates and offered him various different meals and also 'bribes' but to no avail

With the worst possible timing, he was due to go for his 6th form induction day last Thursday but all of us came down with stinking colds and so he couldn't attend.
He's much better and over the weekend he's been chatty and positive. Today was first full day of 6th form and he got up and bathed but then just sat on the bed with his head in his hands refusing to speak or move. His dad has stayed with him and done everything to get him to school but he just froze.
DS has since messaged me saying he didn't sleep last night, feels ill but will 100% go in tomorrow - I'm remaining positive but I really can't see it happening.

I contacted CAMHS a few months ago and they came back offering him access to the SilverCloud online programme. But when I approached the subject with him, he closed down and said he doesn't need help

Several questions really but any advice, experience or just general pointing me in any direction possible would be appreciated.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to help my boy but I just need to know what I can do and how I can get him to understand that the help is there for him

Thank you

I can completely empathise.

DD missed all y11. She is due to start college on Thursday. We have had 2 pre-visits, but the real thing will be harder, what with there being 1000 students on site.

I'll try to write more later.

Gosh, I think I remember your other threads, am so pleased he got into sixth form but you must feel like you are about to through it all again.

I have no great insights, I’m afraid but I know school were good last time so I would enlist them straight away now.

Am sure you have thought/tried this but I wonder could a friend call for him and they go in together? It always feels easier going in with a mate, plus you are chatting so it takes your mind off it.

Very very best of luck, I really hope he finds his feet soon.

Well positive news is after missing the first day of 6th form, he made it in on the send and came home happy and smiling that he'd spent time with his friends

He's gone in the rest of the week as well and told me its much better than school as its more fun and he gets more free time - not exactly the reasons for going but its a start!!

This was such a big step and I'm proud of him. Its gonna be one day at a time but the more he faces his fears, I hope the easier it will get

That’s brilliant news. DS14 suffers from anxiety, but has at least never refused to go to school - but frequently refuses to take part in certain aspects. The very occasional times that he does something he’s been dreading and it’s not as bad as he thought (though he will never admit to actually enjoying them) are always a cause for celebration. Hope it continues!

Oh yay, that is fab news, well done to your lad and to you and his Dad for working together and supporting him so brilliantly, this is lovely to read!

I’m so pleased for you - great news and lovely to read!

Thank you all. I think the last 18 months really taken its toll on him and the stress of that along with his GCSE's was just too much for him.

I think going in seeing his friends again and realising 6th form is very different to school - plus no exams to think about for a long while - has done him so much good.
He even came home with a scarlet face on Wednesday as him and his mates sat outside chatting for ages on hottest day in months. But nice to see a bit of colour in his cheeks after being shut away for so long

As I said, I'm not counting my chickens and I expect a rocky road at times but its a start I could only have dreamed of after how he has been last 6 months or so

Theres still issues to deal with but baby steps and hope as his confidence comes back, the rest will gradually fall into place

Update - unfortunately things have gone badly downhill since a promising start
3 weeks into 6th form with my son going in every day - even if not a full day all of the time, he came down with a really horrible virus. He tested negative for Covid but I still suspect he may have had it because he was really poorly for over 2 weeks.
Despite us telling this to school, on his first day back when he went in for the last 2 periods, he was called out of class and told his attendance has to improve
That really upset him and he's not been back since

We had a really positive meeting with the head of 6th form and they have agreed to work with us as a family to get him on phased return.
However, today as day 1 of that plan, he's laid in bed and refused to speak. When I asked him if he was going in, he laughed in my face, told me I'm pathetic and he has nothing to say to me unless he wants money

I'm really struggling to cope at the moment. I feel I've given up so much to support him and I've failed as a mum

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds incredibly hurtful. He sounds frightened and is lashing out at you, because he knows you love him. I hope you can work through this.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Please don’t think you’re to blame or a bad mum.. You care about him and love him and support him. I got professional parenting advice/ support when my daughter school refused and it really helped me as a single mum. It helped me help her become more resilient so her genuine nerves about school didn’t become so all consuming. Good luckX