15 yr old DD not mixing or making friends

[JoBoyce]

I am really worried about my 15 year old daughter she barely has any friends and seems to find it so hard to mix. She is friends with one other girl in her class but they barely ever meet up outside class and only FaceTime now and again . When I ask her why she always says “well she never suggests it to me, or there’s nowhere to go” Well the year group she is now this year they are split into diff subjects and she is in quite a few classes that her friend isn’t . I picked her up today and she came out really tearful and sullen looking saying health and social and maths were awful as she had to sit alone and no-one spoke to her. There were 2 girls in the class she knew but says they ignored her and she wouldn’t just go and talk to them she lacks confidence that way. She hates school now never wants to go she was definitely happier during lockdown and learning online but it’s definitely set her back socially, she has become even more socially awkward and doesn’t even want to get the school bus home as she is afraid of people pushing or any of the rough crowd saying anything to her. She seems happy just being with me going for walks, loves reading and crochet, watches Netflix but not into social media just tic tok a bit and now seems obsessed with becoming penpals with girls in America and is putting more effort into this than making real life friends. I’m worried sick to be honest, worried how she would cope with college/uni, jobs if she’s so socially awkward and can’t mix with people cannot imagine her in a relationship at all. It’s def getting worse as she gets older in primary school she def mixed more. Really don’t know what to do to help her she won’t join any clubs or anything like that she can’t deal with mixing with new people. I feel so helpless and don’t know how to help her.

This is very hard. The older they get the harder it becomes to influence friendships. I would speak to the school and see what suggestions they have. I know in my DD's school they took this sort of stuff very seriously and as a result most kids had friends and I'm not aware of anyone that was excluded
Does she have any hobbies that involve other people. Tennis, horse-riding etc

Your poor dd. We've all been living in our bubbles, literally, for so long and it must be hard for people who weren't at the life stage where they had bubbles when all this started.

Agree you could talk to the school. Obviously they can't make friends for her but they could keep an eye on in class and make sure she's not being excluded. Also feeling isolated can make people experience a kind of low level depression or lethargy which stops us from interacting with others, so I'd try and do things to lift her mood or introduce her to things that will engage her interest. She's more likely to form friendships when she's feeling better.

I do think that cohort are going to find friendships tricky for a while because they've been kept apart from each other at exactly the time when they would be branching out socially in normal circumstances.

I spoke to the school last year as it was getting bad towards end of term and they were very nice and offered school counselling but DD freaked when I told her and said no way as she would have to get out of class and everyone would know. She only has hobbies I mentioned in org post like reading she’s not sporty at all . It has crossed my mind that she could have some slight autistic traits but not sure how to get help for that if I brought that up to her she would be devastated. Should I pay for private counselling maybe ?

Are there out of school groups or activities she could try? Volunteering or a part time job?

I think counselling would make it into a ‘problem’ and whilst it does sound like she is very shy & introverted I think encouragement should come before counselling- you can be shy & introverted and still have a good life of course & she is still a teen; but I do understand why you are worried for her. What about a new hobby that can begin as a ‘lone’ hobby and then branch out into something possibly more social- i though of horse riding for example! Individual lessons at first. No pressure to make friends as it’s just you on a horse first and you could do with her perhaps a few times! If she likes it then it could lead to group lessons or treks or meeting others at the riding school. Or what about capitalising on those things she already loves- a crochet group with you for example or a walking group that you can join together and perhaps allow her to meet others slowly? I do think speak to the school too and see if they can offer any other support like enforcing a seating plan or something if there’s a particular class of mean girls. Good luck and I do think teenage years are very hard.. they aren’t forever and she may well grow up to be more confident out of school. Xox

I really feel for her. I was just like her. My only suggestion is out of school activities and hobbies. I’m sure things will get better. You sound like a great mum.

I think as a lot of posters have said, a hobby would be a good idea. It worked for my DD - she doesn’t feel like she has to rely on school to provide friendship, and has made friends through football and dance.

I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but in my area teens can volunteer at the local libraries with YA book clubs and stuff. If she loves reading, it might be worth seeing if there is something similar where you are?

Thanks for the suggestions will see if we can organise anything around hobbies for her.

I'm saying this with best intentions but have you thought that she may be autistic? Autism is massively undiagnosed in girls.

What does she say about having trouble forming friendships?

Does she have girl cousins her age? Or would she take the risk of contacting her friend and suggesting they do something specific together?

Social skills need to be practiced, and friendships need to be maintained or they die away. The lockdowns have probably caused a lot of isolation, especially among the people who welcomed the retreat from being social.

However I wouldn't necessarily worry that she won't find a relationship - as all the "I have no friends except my husband" threads on Mumsnet demonstrate, lots of people who struggle with friendships are happily married.

Awh. She's only 15 and a bit homely. She'll grow out of it. Don't worry OP.

any sensory issues? rigidity, routines? look into autism in women and girls intfo and see if any of it rings a bell. may help you to plan how to help her if you suspect or can rule it out.

Reading your first post made me think that she sounds just like me as a child, I have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and I’m sure I also have inattentive adhd too. I think if you could get her diagnosed it would mean she could have some help with socialising, maybe a student mentor that could boost her confidence. I wasn’t diagnosed til 4 years ago, and I’ve always struggled making friends. I don’t have any real friends still, just friends of my family. Please help her as much as you can. I wish I had had help with socialising

What help is given if diagnosed? How do I even go about it I presume I go to the GP. My worry is my daughter would be really annoyed and hurt at me suggesting she was on the spectrum but she has just told me she finds it hard to interact with people in her class as a lot of them are tough and she has nothing in common with them

a lot of them are tough and she has nothing in common with them

Is it possible this is true?

If she is a quiet thoughtful girl in a loud rough school, she might just be a fish out of water, and it's just a case of white knuckling it until she can move to sixth form college and hopefully find some like-minded friends.

Bless her.
The friend she does have can she not take the initiative and invite her out

It's scary I know

Maybe they could walk into town after school and get costa Starbucks

Or just hang out in local town on a Saturday afternoon

Park -bowling - cinema etc

My dd is scared to ask her mates too as she lacks confidence but she has nice friends luckily and when they do go out they like to
Go to town
Get Starbucks
Get Mac Donald's
Occasionally go to dinner
Occasionally cinema
Hang out in parks to look for boys

How about organising something for your dd birthday if it's soonish

That often helps break the ice a bit.

It's drives me mad that it's only sport clubs offered to teens in most areas.

How about offering clubs in
Art
Needlework
Cooking
Crafts
Gaming
Tech
Dungeons and dragons etc
Not every kids wants to play football.

It’s been such a hard time for our young teens.
I hear this all of the time. My daughter always waits for an invite but many of her peers are also waiting. Someone has to make the first move and when they do, it’s usually fine and both parties are glad of it.
Does your daughter have friends away from school? Could you arrange a meet with friends or colleagues children of a similar age? I have done this and it’s away from the ‘drama’of school and can be mutually beneficial.
I’m trying to get my daughter to join clubs but she’s not keen on sport either. It’s so hard, you’re doing a great job.
I often see young people blossom when the leave or in the senior years of school. Friendships are hard!!

I had a really bad experience as a teenager with my mother forcing friendships which meant I ended up very badly bullied as I turned into a people pleaser. Because my mum forced friendships I learned that friendships were about obligation so didn’t learn the real rules of friendships. I’m a naturally independent person who actually didn’t need very much company but I felt my mum was ruining my one good attribute by forcing things!!
Looking back in a sense friendships at 15 don’t matter all that much in the sense that by 25/35 her relationships will likely be outside school circles entirely.
I would park the friendship issue with your daughter but be positive and support her emotionally- don’t talk about friendships unless she mentions them. Take her out to do things she wants at weekends so she has a good time - this’ll increase her confidence and she’ll end up figuring the whole friendship/relationship thing out for herself

Guides or Scouts might be good options for being with a different group of people who are not all at the same school. Also youth choirs can be great as well.

OP, your DD sounds so much like mine.

My DS is ASD and I've suspected DD17 is on the spectrum for a while now but haven't had her assessed as she didn't need the same level of support as him.

She really struggled to make and maintain school friendships. The friends she did have were awful, often nasty to her, best mates one day, shunned the next. They'd belittle her and ruin any confidence she had, but she has no one else to be with at break times. She spent most of year 11 in lockdown and was happy at home until last year she went to sixth form. She had no friends at all and was t confident enough to approach any established groups to make new friends. She would meet me for lunch in the car to avoid sitting on her own. It was heartbreaking and she was so low.

What changed was that over the summer this year, she has been offered an apprenticeship and has now left school and has found friends in the company who are older than her, and she is flourishing. She's chatty, more confident, a different person. I've been telling her for ages that once she's at work she will find her tribe and it appears she has.

I'm not suggesting your DD needs to leave school OP, but there is hope that your DD will be just fine as she gets older, talk to the school if you can, look for friendships and opportunities outside of school. She will be just fine

This sounds very similar to my DD. She is 15 and was very social and outgoing until after lockdown - she has completely changed and has starting suffering with anxiety, she decided at the start of the holidays that she wasn't going to see her friends as she hates being out in groups and busy places. (up until before lockdown she loved being out with friends!) She has enjoyed staying home with me and going for walks! She said this is the best summer holidays she has had as there is no pressure to be pleasing others which is what she said ""having friends" is all about!! She had really bad anxiety about school last term because of the sheer volume of people and she is already getting herself worked up about returning tomorrow. School were amazing about her anxiety last term and were working through it with her and she had got much better but then the holidays came and I think they have set her back a bit because actually she has been able to step back from the things that cause her stress - school and people! She is going into year 11 this year and will be at college 6th form next year but I have no idea how she will cope she won't even go to the shop on her own because of her worry of the world. When she was 8 she was the most confident little girl you could imagine. Secondary school and lockdown have changed her into a very scared and timid girl scared of people and her future. I think in school counselling is really good - my DD really got lots from it and the school counsellor has been amazing - checking on her discreetly through the school day. If you can I would go down this route first and then if that doesn't work maybe get some professional councelling but like a previous poster said if you go down this route you are making into more of an issue!!

I echo everything LBirch02 and Fifipop185 have said. I have two DD, 15 and 13.

15 year old much more like her dad and loves to meet new people, will push herself to go new places even if she knows no one purely in order to make new friends or not to miss out on an activity just because she doesn't know anyone there. She has had periods of anxiety though.

My 13 year old is scarily like me though. Totally uncomfortable in social situations and would far rather be at home. Even says she doesn't like people! I have never pushed her and although I worry about her, I can't change who she is, just like how I couldn't change who I was. The awkward teen who felt she fitted in nowhere apart from with her animals.

I'm glad my mum never pushed me, I punished myself enough for feeling like an oddball but now in my forties, I think I have ADD which is really quite common in women and girls and often missed.

As for what you can do? She's at a really awkward age regardless of her personality which hormones all over the place. I decided to home educate my DC before they were even school age so friendships have always been fluid and never been any pressure to fit in. They have been offered lots of opportunities to try lots of different hobbies and sports but as knowing the sort of person I am, I completely their need for downtime and periods of being perfectly happy in their own company. I try really hard to give them opportunities to meet friends at various clubs and really encourage their hobbies (one of which is the pretty solitary horse riding 😅) but I never force friendships. Youngest admits she is happiest when its her and her pony and plenty of adults who were super social kids will agree with her as they feel the same!

I beat myself for years wondering why I didn't want to be surrounded by other kids like all the other kids. If I could only tell my younger self, you're fine just the way you are, I would.

This is much more common than you think.
At that age dd didn’t have many friends, but post-gcse it was much better.
Also lockdown etc didn’t help - def affected my teens’ social lives. Of course it’s safer for your DD to cling to you or penpals she will never meet as there’s no risk of rejection.
I’d also err towards trying to find a hobby group out of school that suits her.,