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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage Daughter Phone Invasion

13 replies

ParryHotter85 · 01/09/2021 23:48

My teenage daughter has slept at her friends house. Her friend has waited until mu daughter fell asleep and has gone through her phone and looked at messages with another friend (my daughters boy best friend). She has took pictures of them all on her phone at 2.30 in the morning whilst my daughter was sleeping.

She has gone back through weeks worth of messages.

The friends mum has telephoned me as she has seen the pictures her daughter has took off my daughters phone of some messages between my daughter and her other friend.

The messages were just basically my daughter was worried and thought her friend was going to look better than her at her party and her friend said dont worry you are better looking.

My daughter feels her privacy has been invaded.

There are other messages between me and her and me and her Dad which are obviously private.

They only really have each other though and I'm worried as my daughter may struggle at her second year in high school without one close friend. She doesn't seem to have a friendship group.

I've spoken to the girls Mum and she has just said she doesn't know why her daughter has done it and doesn't seem to have took the matter further.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 02/09/2021 00:46

How does your daughter feel?
Does she want to speak to her 'friend' about this?
Does she feel the friendship is worth saving?

Original poster

ParryHotter85 · 02/09/2021 06:25

@Pumpkintopf

How does your daughter feel? Does she want to speak to her 'friend' about this? Does she feel the friendship is worth saving?

Ive spoken to her and she is really upset. She doesn't trust her and cannot believe she has done it.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 02/09/2021 06:32

Didn't you post this yesterday?

Original poster

ParryHotter85 · 02/09/2021 06:43

@JorisBonson

Didn't you post this yesterday?

Ive edited my original post to try and clarify more and posted it in the 'teenagers' section to get view of parents of teenagers

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 02/09/2021 06:45

Did you not like the advise from yesterday?

It’s annoying, and yes an invasion of privacy, but nothing you can do just be supportive when they’re back at school. By this time next week it will all be a storm on a teacup.

Billybagpuss · 02/09/2021 06:49

Ah ok, cross posted. Sorry.

Having gone through with two teenage DD, honestly you need to rake a step back. The other mums reaction should have been what are you doing going through her phone, not to phone you.

Year 7 and 8 are probably the worst with teenage girls who can be complete bitches. Year 9 slightly better, things improve around year 10 as they do different subjects and have different focuses.

Billybagpuss · 02/09/2021 06:50

You should maybe encourage her to try new clubs at school to expand her friendship group a bit as well.

NewlyGranny · 02/09/2021 06:54

Your DD doesn't just feel her privacy has been invaded; it has been!

The behaviour is vile. The friend is no friend. DD needs to avoid her and find better friends. I suggest you let school know, not as a complaint but just to alert them to the back story in case and follow up nastiness crops up on school.

Oh, and this is why phones need to be passworded!

Original poster

ParryHotter85 · 02/09/2021 07:00

@Billybagpuss

Did you not like the advise from yesterday?

It’s annoying, and yes an invasion of privacy, but nothing you can do just be supportive when they’re back at school. By this time next week it will all be a storm on a teacup.

Yes and I am grateful.

Just things have progressed since then.

I spoke to the girls mother, there was no apology, no explanation of why shes done it, very dismissive, well we dont know why she has done it and they should have some time apart (too bloody right).

Its affected me a lot, I haven't slept last night, I feel awful for my daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

ParryHotter85 · 02/09/2021 07:01

@Billybagpuss

Ah ok, cross posted. Sorry.

Having gone through with two teenage DD, honestly you need to rake a step back. The other mums reaction should have been what are you doing going through her phone, not to phone you.

Year 7 and 8 are probably the worst with teenage girls who can be complete bitches. Year 9 slightly better, things improve around year 10 as they do different subjects and have different focuses.

She is going into Year 8. I find it really hard to take a step back I feel like I need to protect her. Its really difficult.

I don't envy anyone with a teenager at high school.

OP posts:

Original poster

ParryHotter85 · 02/09/2021 07:04

@NewlyGranny

Your DD doesn't just feel her privacy has been invaded; it has been!

Oh, and this is why phones need to be passworded!

Yes I might speak to school they go back next week.

Her phone was passworded but she's clocked her password and then gone through her phone.

Its kept me awake I just think if that was me I would have scolded my daughter for doing such a thing.

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 02/09/2021 09:18

The thing is, we don’t know the other girls motives. I take it it was this girl that your DD was worried would look better than her? So she’s feeling insecure and talked about too. So her mum got defensive and phoned you, may also contact the school that her dd is being bullied.

Honestly you need to step back, let DD rant at you when she’s feeling down but you need to learn you can’t fix everything. It’s the hardest thing, I know, but most of the time they just want to rant and dump their emotions on you. Contacting the school is overkill in this case, yes the girl shouldn’t have done it, your dd only feels violated because there was stuff on there that was mean to her friend.

See how the first couple of days/weeks at school go, then if things look like they’re blowing up then you contact them, but honestly the first week back is chaos, contacting them with ‘her friend looked through her phone and the mother called me’ is not going to achieve anything.

I do also think you’re all feeling a bit of anxiety about going back after such a long break where everything has felt safe and lovely.

Trust me, I totally get where you are coming from, but don’t blow it up out of all proportion, you need to help your dd learn to handle these things. Sure if it becomes obvious there is constant low level bullying get in touch, but let them get back to school first.

SE13Mummy · 04/09/2021 01:11

I think you have to ask your daughter what, if anything, she would like to do about it and follow her lead in terms of tackling her other friends. It might be a good opportunity to set up downtime for something along the lines of 11pm to 6.30am each day so apps cannot be accessed on her phone between those times. Depending on her phone, you might also want to set it up so she can call or text you if she needs to be collected because she's miserable.

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