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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 15 year old has no friends

26 replies

Camrette · 27/08/2021 22:04

She had a best friend all through primary, went to different secondary schools but settled really well and had a close group of friends.
In y8 they decided they didn’t want her to be part of the group anymore. She floated for the rest of y8 and 9, had friends but not close friends and no one she felt she could hang out with every day. She always felt like she was attaching herself to other groups. Y10 she got closer to a girl she’s been friends with since y7 and they became best friends. Except now that girl doesn’t want to be her friend anymore and says she’s annoying. Last week they were having sleepovers and days out but now she wants nothing to do with her.
She’s already under CAHMS for depression and I’m really worried about her going back to school and having no friends again.

She’s intelligent, funny, really caring and loyal, I can’t believe that no one likes her. I’m not expecting everyone to like her but to have no friends at all? All I can think of is that she maybe gets a bit intense and can be very “woke”. But surely that’s not a reason to completely cut her out.

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 22:10

Maybe the majority of the people in her school don’t want to talk about ‘woke’ things as they find it annoying? Whatever it is, she either tries to change it, or wait for her peers to catch up in the intelligence/woke ranks.

It’s hard, but she will get there, friends come and go a lot when you are young.

I’m sure she is lovely and just hasn’t found her crew yet, or whatever kids call it nowadays

OnthePiste · 27/08/2021 22:14

So sorry to hear this, it seems to be a common theme at age 14/15. My son was booted out of his primary friendship group earlier this year. He felt he did not have any friends but slowly, he has managed to build up a new friendship group. It has been hard going, more for me than him!

I would tell her to take a break from the supposed "best friend", not contact her and she may well come back..was there a particular argument that triggered the split? Otherwise encourage her to join out of school clubs, take up sport etc and see if she meets up with like minded friends there.

Original poster
Camrette · 27/08/2021 22:34

Thanks for your replies.

I hope she does find her people soon because the last few years have been pretty lonely for her and she was feeling positive about going back to school but is obviously now not.

We did encourage her to take up activities last time but she isn’t keen and hasn’t found anything she really enjoys. With her depression now as well she really struggles to want to do stuff. She likes reading and watching tv and hanging out with her friend not doing much.

I do think she’s probably just a bit intense once she feels secure in a friendship. Which is probably too much for the person on the receiving end.

OP posts:
Mscarna · 27/08/2021 23:26

Your poor dd, it's really hard at this age to break into groups. But I've seen it done successfully with interests. D of E, gaming, scouts, sports. They start to make connections and others follow. I have a dd the same age. She just wants to have fun and a laugh. It's hard to be on that page with an illness like depression though. I'm hopeful it gets a bit easier as they get older. I'd make sure she looks fashionable (that helps). Talk about friendship, what they should be like, what they're about, social skills. Try and get her well. And get her to join up with some things. I paid for horse riding when dd was lonely a few years ago. She loved it and made a couple of friends there. But just doing the activity was uplifting for her. Expensive though!

adeleh · 27/08/2021 23:29

I’m so sorry. This was my DS and it breaks your heart, doesn’t it. Your daughter sounds lovely.
Things did get better slowly from about year 10, but especially in sixth form. But it’s awful to watch and feel so helpless. Just don't know why they have to be so damn spiteful.

Hellocatshome · 27/08/2021 23:31

Are there any groups at CAMHS she can join. When my son was under CYPS which is similar as far as I know there was a youth club type thing one evening they could go to with some counsellors there who sort of helped them understand friendships and gave them some pointers if necessary. So it may benefit her on two fronts, she may make some friends and she may also learn some strategies on making and keeping friendships.

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 23:35

Poor thing. My DD is similar - has one friend but she’s always making excuses why she can’t see her and never invites her round. I feel so sad for her, but she seems quite content with her own company most of the time. We met up with one of my friends last week whose DD happened to like the same things as mine and they got on famously despite never having met before and both being socially awkward! It was a revelation, she just needs to find her people. Whether that happens now or later I will try not to worry, as I know she’s a lovely girl with a lot of love to five and at some point along the way she’ll find her tribe. I hope your DD will too.

sandgrown · 27/08/2021 23:41

My son was in this position at a similar age . He is older now and recently admitted that when he said he was going out on his bike to meet people he lied to me and just rode round on his own as he had nobody to meet . He eventually managed to get into a football team and his confidence soared. He also got a part time job and made some friends there. He still suffers with anxiety but is so much better . It’s heartbreaking when you can’t help them . Good luck x

Picklechamp · 27/08/2021 23:42

My son struggled to make friends all through secondary school, and it broke my heart. He’s now 17, at college, studying something he is passionate about, and has found his tribe. He has so many friends now. Hang in there xx

WTF475878237NC · 27/08/2021 23:43

It's really sad isn't it. My much younger sib had this. Is and always has been just lovely but by start of year 9 had no friends at all and was always on the fringe of other groups. Never invited out with others at the weekend or to birthdays etc. So sad.

Didn't really find a tribe until first job actually.

WTF475878237NC · 27/08/2021 23:45

when he said he was going out on his bike to meet people he lied to me and just rode round on his own as he had nobody to meet

^ didn't know it at the time but sibling did this every Saturday for years. Used to get the train/cycle around alone and pretend had been with friends.

sandgrown · 27/08/2021 23:56

@WTF475878237NC it’s so sad they had to do this isn’t it . I still feel guilty I didn’t realise. I guess I was just glad I thought he had a friend.

WolfFleeceSpotter · 28/08/2021 01:07

My 15yo DS is like this. No friends at all. He has autism, but is Hugh functioning. Breaks my heart when he is at school.
I’m seriously thinking about starting up a youth club or sorts for lonely teens in my local area. I have no idea even if it would work on a practical level, but it is something I really feel passionate about.

Original poster
Camrette · 28/08/2021 08:20

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all your replies.

@Mscarna she tried really hard to not bring her depression into her friendship and to keep it lighthearted. She’s aware it can be draining to be around someone who is depressed and didn’t want to put that on her friend and she is really good at masking but unfortunately her friendship has still failed. The worst part is she was always such a happy and upbeat girl but got circumstantial depression after the previous friendship issues which then worsened. I’m really worried how this is going to affect her.

@adeleh spiteful is the word. I’d always had a lot of respect for this girl but she has now lost that. She doesn’t have to like her and she doesn’t have to be her friend but there was no need to be so vile to her (or to deliberately kick her where she knew it would hurt).

@Hellocatshome unfortunately CAHMS is still all virtual here and her counselling is only via a phone call. Hopefully this will change soon.

I’m so sorry to hear of all the other poor teens who have experienced this, it’s horrible.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 28/08/2021 08:22

@sandgrown

My son was in this position at a similar age . He is older now and recently admitted that when he said he was going out on his bike to meet people he lied to me and just rode round on his own as he had nobody to meet . He eventually managed to get into a football team and his confidence soared. He also got a part time job and made some friends there. He still suffers with anxiety but is so much better . It’s heartbreaking when you can’t help them . Good luck x
That is heartbreaking @sandgrown
Bryonyshcmyony · 28/08/2021 08:23

But fantastic things have improved for him. OP I'm another one saying activities. Literally anything she'd like to try.

Bryonyshcmyony · 28/08/2021 08:24

Sorry keep pressing post too early. As a mum to three teen girls year 10 and 11 were the worst ime
6th form so much better

PatchworkElmer · 28/08/2021 08:31

I was this kid. I think for whatever reason I was ‘tainted’ and there was some kind of mass decision not to be my friend once I’d been excluded from one group.

Ultimately I moved high schools at the start of year 10 as I just couldn’t take it any more. It was the best decision I ever made- I immediately fell in with a lovely group of people who I’m still friends with now. I remember being blown away the first time one of them called me for a chat after school- someone actually wanted to talk to me! Hope your DD finds her tribe soon OP, it must be so hard for a parent to watch too Flowers

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2021 08:46

Are there any extra curricular activities she could get involved in? Sports or performing arts or something like that where there might be more opportunities to make friends?

Original poster
Camrette · 28/08/2021 09:08

@sandgrown it is heartbreaking that he did that, not only that he was alone but also that he protected you from knowing it. I’m so pleased he’s happy now.

@PatchworkElmer I’m sorry you went through it too. I was a bit on the fringe of things at secondary school after I drifted from my best friend but nothing like what my daughter has been through.

Activities is hard because she doesn’t want to do anything! She’s not sporty and isn’t interested in trying any new sports. She used to do drama but was on the fringe there too and decided to quit. She basically just wants to watch tv, bake and read which is fine but isn’t going to get her meeting anyone.

I’m wondering about a part time job because at least then money would be a motivator too

OP posts:
sandgrown · 28/08/2021 09:29

@Camrette@Bryonyshcmyony Thank you . It can still upset me if I think about it but he is so much happier now . He also has a girlfriend though he was much later than his friends to meet someone. He got annoyed when none of his friends were available as they had girlfriends. He said he didn’t want one then suddenly he met someone. Apart from the usual teenage dramas she seems to have a calming effect on him ( GP referred him for adult ADHD assessment) I hope your DD finds her niche OP.

ididitsocanyou · 30/08/2021 20:38

Try not to worry. My DD struggled all through secondary school as she was small and possibly seen as a bit square. Then she had a growth spurt in year 11 over the summer before sixth form, which gave her a bit of confidence and she is now in year 13 with a big group of very good mates. What was seen as her ‘squareness’ has turned into maturity and she is The rock of her group. My dd went into a sixth form that wasn’t associated with her secondary school as she wanted a fresh start, with a resolute determination to fit in but not sell herself out. It worked. Your DD may have to adapt bits of her personality. Encourage her to listen to people and make/maintain eye contact. It’s amazing how that works as a life skill!

Original poster
Camrette · 31/08/2021 16:09

@ididitsocanyou your dd sounds a bit like mine actually. Mine gets on really well with adults but lots of her classmates don’t like how ‘good’ she is. Her most recent friend has dropped her for someone who has been expelled and who she can go out drinking and smoking weed with. My daughter is also quite small which I think can be a factor and her self esteem has taken such a knocking over the past few years

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 31/08/2021 17:10

With respect does she really want to fit in with such a fickle crowd?
If she is naturally "woke" then her way of thinking will be different to others (not in a bad way) and at this young age she will find it hard to be herself.
She is probably a breath of fresh air and will really come into her own further down the line, once her confidence has grown and she no longer needs others approval.
I would encourage her to take a look at some of the lovely groups on Facebook, "An Empath" , "Spiritual Awakening," "Wild Women Warriors", she will be amongst like minded people, there is a lot of healthy respect and understanding regarding the feelings of not fitting in and learning to embrace yourself for who you are, rather than who others want you to be.
Also there is a good book " Light is the new black" probably be right up her street.
Listen to T. D Jake's speech "Courage" on youtube, only a few minutes long but very powerful, aimed at women.
My son has just turned 16, labels himself an introvert, quite happy doing his own thing, but suffered with an anxiety disorder two to three years ago.Much better now . He is very intelligent, sensitive, has deep empathy and very "awake." He refuses to run with the crowd , that takes alot of courage at his age, but as he has gotten older he likes himself a lot better now which is half the battle regarding anxiety and l love the fact he thinks outside the box.
Good luck to your daughter, she will find her wings and fly.

ElleTheShowaddyWaddyBody · 11/09/2021 10:43

I can totally empathise OP.

DS who has just gone into Y10, is very similar in regards to flitting around different groups but not being part of any firm friendship groups and I do, at times, feel incredibly sad for him, although I never show it.

I really don’t think the isolation periods, time away from school etc have helped at all. It’s been so hard for them hasn’t it.

Fingers crossed that they can now have an uninterrupted time at school, where the social side is as important as learning imo.