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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How relaxed should I be with DS and porn

27 replies

havesomefun · 27/08/2021 19:06

I’ve had conversations with DS about porn over the last few years. Reminders about internet safety etc.

Despite having parental controls in place, when checking his phone, I have found some searches that have gotten through controls. His searches have been naked girls. Busty girls. I’ve not seen links to any porn that would worry me. The searches I found, I put down to curiosity.

He’s come to me tonight and asked me to help him with his email. He admitted he clicked a link and gave his email address so now his email is full of spam/porn. It’s multiple emails a day asking for his mobile number, to click links and some sending nude pictures, saying they are turned on thinking about him etc.

Due to the volume of emails, I’ve said I think it best to delete the email account and set him up with a new one which I will sort over the weekend.

We’ve had a conversation again about being careful online but I don’t want to come down too hard on him for being curious. I’m thinking at 13 most kids will search and have curiosity. When I was younger it was top shelf magazines that did the rounds. The internet is a whole different ball game though.

Can I ask those with teenagers, particularly boys, at what point did you leave them to it and trusting them. Obviously, I am glad he came to me to say the email has gotten out of hand and that he needed help.

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 27/08/2021 19:29

He is 13?

If he is 13 I would be seriously concerned .. I actually can't believe I am reading this!!

He needs parental controls on devices ASAP he is WAY too young!!!

Eorks · 27/08/2021 19:31

Yeah, I'm surprised you said 13. That's really really young.

L1ttleSeahorse · 27/08/2021 19:33

13!?!?!?

Stigofthedump40 · 27/08/2021 19:35

Also had a bit of a shock when i got to 13

RoseRedRoseBlue · 27/08/2021 19:35

It’s great that he has come to you with this problem, which is thankfully easily rectified.....but you should have been way more cautious and on the ball with this.

CanICelebrate · 27/08/2021 19:36

I don’t think this is that common and certainly not appropriate at 13. My boys are a little older and still have parental controls and when I’ve randomly looked at their search history it’s mostly video game stuff and football.
I’d be having serious words and be putting my foot down firmly.

Ivchangedmynameforthis · 27/08/2021 19:40

As a mother of 2 DS almost 13 and almost 16 this is not ‘normal’ 13 year old behaviour OP. The 16 year old maybe but 13 is year 8. Absolutely not. We discuss sex and things with DS13 but porn woah no way.

Original poster
havesomefun · 27/08/2021 19:44

As I said, parental controls are in place on all devices by BT on everything in the house and Vodafone on his mobile but somehow a few things have gotten through. I have double and triple checked everything and it’s as strong as the systems will give.

We have had firm words.

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 27/08/2021 19:45

13!? Put parental controls on, stop all access and wait a couple of years surely!?

Also show him this:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

(It’s the ‘tea consent’ video - so useful)

And this:

fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

& check he has all the facts about bodies/periods/sex/consent etc. That’s what 13 year olds should be talking about, not watching sketchy porn with revolting men with massive cocks basically raping hair free women in unlikely scenarios - he’ll end up twisted as fuck!

chipsandgin · 27/08/2021 19:46

(Good that you are concerned about it though OP, clearly not enough parents are!)

Original poster
havesomefun · 27/08/2021 19:51

@chipsandgin

13!? Put parental controls on, stop all access and wait a couple of years surely!?

Also show him this:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

(It’s the ‘tea consent’ video - so useful)

And this:

fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

& check he has all the facts about bodies/periods/sex/consent etc. That’s what 13 year olds should be talking about, not watching sketchy porn with revolting men with massive cocks basically raping hair free women in unlikely scenarios - he’ll end up twisted as fuck!

Thanks chips. I’ll definitely look at the video. I have heard of it before.

I’ve told him about porn and women and exploitation and how some disgusting man will be generating and doing these videos.

OP posts:
blublub · 27/08/2021 20:11

And this is why my kids don’t have smart phones, no matter how much whining. It’s unavoidable and I think the damage to children is not worth any perceived benefit. Those images won’t leave his mind, is this how you want him to veiw sex and women? 13 is waaay too young for this.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 27/08/2021 22:16

He is actively searching for them!
Remove his phone.
Have the conversation again and again.
No devices unless in a communal area.
Your child is 13 and actively looking for porn.
You need to up your parenting on this subject

SweatyPie · 27/08/2021 22:23

Not uncommon at 13. I'd imagine a fair few have searched the internet for gratifying material. Why wouldn't they if they have access to internet? I did at that age as a girl, although not hardcore porn sites etc

However

I would not be encouraging it, op, since you're aware. Not sure exactly how to proceed. YouTube videos about the effects of porn (?) might be more engaging than his mother talking to him, truthfully

SweatyPie · 27/08/2021 22:25

Could always change the internet settings but he could dodge them with a VPN or different search terms. It's a tricky one

IfNot · 27/08/2021 22:30

Well if you have proper adult content blocking settings on the WiFi and disable his 4 g ( set dns server to 2/3G and job done) then he shouldn’t be able to access porn at all! Confused I have tried accessing porn in my kids phones- can’t be done. I’m not saint they haven’t seen any, just that I’m as on top of it as I can be. Your kid is 13. He’s a child. Sort it out, for his sake.

chipsandgin · 27/08/2021 22:35

Honestly it’s a minefield OP & the best we can hope is that we inform and arm our children with age appropriate information & the kindness, respect and strength that it takes to be decent human beings.

The rest is up to them - but shielding them and at the same time educating them so they don’t go down the wrong path is up to us, what else can we do!? That tea video is great (as a friend said tonight - it works both ways, there have been moments in his life where someone knows he has the tea, he doesn’t want to give them tea, but they are insistent on having the tea and it’s become awkward- like I say, a minefield!).

vickyc90 · 28/08/2021 09:29

Honestly at 13 I'm not surprised he's starting to show an interest. From what you have described it sounds like he's been looking at images that only a few years ago he would have been glancing at in magazines that don't exist anymore. At his age my bedroom walls were covered in topless pictures of Gareth gates and 50 cent. Internet settings will block things like actual porn but you need to trust him not to search for images like that as they won't all be caught by the filters.

Franticbutterfly · 28/08/2021 15:12

Put Qustodio on his devices. I use it for all of mine and it's very difficult to get around as it works like a vpn and I'm informed if the DC click on anything unsuitable.

ACatWhoBinds · 29/08/2021 12:59

I've not been in secondary school for a few years but in my experience 13 isn't young for that. We'd have boys talking about porn in years 7 & 8 and I was first told about porn from a female friend when I was 11 (it was more a 'look how weird this is!' Than 'look how arousing this is!') and kind of fell into the habit of watching every night for a good 3 or 4 years. I know boys mature slower than girls but I think 13 is pretty average.
As long as you keep dialogue open and make sure he's not on too explicit things you're doing a good job. He could open the sun and see topless women, just keep an eye out for stuff that's concerning

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 29/08/2021 15:11

Yes, I wonder about those who think 13 is young

If your child is in secondary school (year 7 or up) they will most certainly have been exposed to some kind of porn.

I think it is totally normal to be curious at this age , and it is good he came to you for his email problem. Shows he trusts you and you can talk about things. Keep talking, be honest about what you issues are with porn (exploitation, sheer nastiness of the sector etc) and the effects it can have on men (unable to have sex, becoming addicted) and how real sex is nothing like porn

Just keep talking and double check parental control.

TheHouseILiveIn · 29/08/2021 20:55

To answer your question, you should not be 'relaxed' at all, never mind asking 'how relaxed'. The mind boggles. Be a parent, FFS, and don't expose your CHILD to harm. Surely it's illegal for a child that age to have access to porn and social services would be involved if they knew you let him access it? Take his phone away and only let him use the computer when you are in the room.

TheHouseILiveIn · 29/08/2021 21:07

@chipsandgin

13!? Put parental controls on, stop all access and wait a couple of years surely!?

Also show him this:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

(It’s the ‘tea consent’ video - so useful)

And this:

fightthenewdrug.org/10-porn-stars-speak-openly-about-their-most-popular-scenes/

& check he has all the facts about bodies/periods/sex/consent etc. That’s what 13 year olds should be talking about, not watching sketchy porn with revolting men with massive cocks basically raping hair free women in unlikely scenarios - he’ll end up twisted as fuck!

That 'tea' video is great. They should show it in secondary schools. How did you come across it?
waterrat · 29/08/2021 23:36

Hi op. I work in a field which involves looking at parts of the porn industry.

Thr first thing I urge parents to do is be very aware of how extreme mainstream porn is. He may search using simple terms but the porn he will be shown is very very extreme. Please look for yourself so you understand this.

For young teens to view porn before they actually have sex....it carries a lot if risk to their mental wellbeing and also to their view of sex.

I would be discouraging him while not shaming him for being curious. Read about the damage porn does both to those watching and those preforming it.

You can't unsee what you see at 13 sadly. I would say that once you are aware of the nature of modern porn you will be a lot more keen to stop him developing a habit.

It's good that he is open but I don't think you should just let him watch it without intervention.

waterrat · 29/08/2021 23:38

Eg. Mainstream porn is violent and degrading and often extremely taboo ie. Involving degrading scenarios abuse and incest. He will not just be looking at topless girls.