School anxiety - how to help?

[ballstoit]

DD (14) has developed high levels of anxiety around going to school.
It started last November, when she was 'frozen' out of her friendship group overnight (still has no idea why).

There was some awful things shared on social media in December (including accusations of incest between her and her brother) and comments about her looks, weight, clothes School promised to sort it after Christmas (this was all in the last week of term) but then there was the lockdown and by March they said it would be best to let things lie.

She is not being bullied now but has lost her confidence with her peers. From March until the end of term she cried most school mornings, begged not to go to school, couldn't eat without retching (she eats twice after school to replace lack of breakfast and lunch) and reports from teachers are that she is silent in class. She made little academic progress last year.

Our GP referred to CAMHS eating disorder team who did a telephone assessment and concludes she has high levels of anxiety but not an eating disorder. CAMHS referred back to GP and she is on a waiting list for an anxiety support group with Relate.

She has seen one friend and her boyfriend regularly over the summer but no one else from school. She has been so happy over the summer - chatty, eating normally, energetic - but she is back to school on Thursday and the last two days she has withdrawn into silence and eating little.

She doesn't want to change school - can't see the point as she doesn't think it will be any better. The only suggestion she has to improve things is to not go to school (she did well during the lockdown with online learning and can't see why she can't do that for the next two years).

I am at a loss - what can I do to help her? I don't want her to spend the next two years at home and can't see how she will get the grades she's capable of at GCSE if she does but she can't spend another two years feeling like this. Any advice will be gratefully received...

I'm really sorry @ballstoit, I have absolutely no experience, this must be absolutely heartbreaking for you

Are the school able to offer any suggestions or is homeschooling an option?

The school have offered a reduced timetable but she travels on a school bus and I work full time so it's hard to manage and I'm also not convinced that it's the answer.

I can't begin to imagine what you ate both going through

Really hope a MNer with experience will be along soon.

You know your daughter best.
My 13 year old son was diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder.
We went through absolute hell trying to solve this problem, endless Dr and Cahms appointments and meetings with school, the situation only got worse,
All l can say is that after two and a half years of homeschooling, my now 16 year old son is thriving. It is a such a relief to see such positive changes.
It's been a huge learning curve, he's had to be responsible and resourceful, he's learnt to manage himself and his time well. He's scored high in his mock papers and due to sit exams in Autumn.
He's since been discharged by Cahms, they are happy with his progress.
He's worked hard not only academically but also physically and mentally. He knows the importance of self care and is mindful of negative thoughts and thinking patterns.
I would recommend you look at Not Fine At School on facebook. A very helpful group with lots of parents in same boat.
I spent months researching home education and deschooling it was the last resort as we had exhausted all other avenues.
He is much happier and confident in himself now.
I know there are other options but this worked for us.
Good luck to you and your daughter.

I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. I have had experience of an unhappy DD at school due to some girls as well and it's just awful as a parent to watch. My DD is only 10 so their experiences will no doubt be extremely different. She also developed some anxiety around attending and I knew I had to address it before it got any worse, especially with her being so young. In the end, I moved her school and it's been the best decision we ever made. She is like a different girl.

Given you have been in contact with the school and their response has been to not address the issue directly makes me think they probably think a resolution is unlikely. This will make it hard for you DD to move forward within that school setting I think.
The school implementing a reduced timetable for your DD will not help the situation and will just create a bigger barrier for your DD to feel included in school life like other pupils. Their response is unacceptable and they are treating the issue like school refusal by the sounds of it instead of issue caused in school setting and managing that.

That aside, I know you have said she is not wanting to move school but it may be something you want to revisit with her given the escalation of the other issues around anxiety and ability to eat during the school day. At 14, you still need to provide a level of guidance and protection you see fit as a parent that she might not agree with herself or see the benefit of. It's obviously easier if she's on board but I think from what you've said she is near breaking point with school attendance and may refuse to go either way. Changing schools maybe your only way forward to salvage a happier education for the next few years. Initially it will be difficult for her moving but likely more beneficial long term. You need to talk through the positives and negatives of remaining at current school vs possible move to another and weigh up. Only you two fully discussing will know what's best for her.

Does she have any other hobbies/clubs she attends where she links in with friends / peers that may attend other schools? This would mean a move may not be as daunting if she recognised other faces. If not, is this something she would consider to join to try to develop new friendships? If she doesn't have a particular interest she could maybe even join a gym. Most sports centres have classes etc and are really popular with that age group. It's also something you could join with her initially if she wanted support to begin with. It will allow her to also take some focus off school constantly and may reduce anxiety overall.

I hope things improve for her soon. Good luck

Do they have a listening service at school
Do they have a safe space for lunch times etc

Why won’t she even consider looking at another school? Is that wroth investigating? She may come round to the idea if you can find one she likes, maybe see if any local groups she enjoys has girls at a different school?