I am extremely concerned about relationship my 17 y/o daughter has been in for just over a year.
My daughter is a very academically able young person who also has a very compassionate and caring side to her. Her mental health over the last few years has been fragile and she has exhibited issues such as eating disorders, body dysmorphia, self-harming and depressive episodes.
Throughout the pandemic and the corresponding lockdowns, she has shown increased dependency on a boy who was formerly a school peer. He left school at 16, however my daughter is continuing in education. In every sense of the word, he is her boyfriend however she does not acknowledge this within the family and becomes very angry at any such suggestion. For ease of purpose I will be referring to this individual as her boyfriend from hereon in.
My daughter has no close friends. Before meeting her boyfriend, she had a group of acquaintances whom she occasionally met up with but were never introduced to the family. Since meeting her boyfriend, contact with this group of people has ceased. Over the recent summer holidays, it has become apparent that she does not leave home unless it is to spend time with her boyfriend. They do not go anywhere but rather spend time alone together.
He is officially classified by the social services as a child in need and as a result his family have had extensive social services involvement. Like my daughter, he is 17 years old. He has been designated as a child in need for most of his life. His elder brother is a heroin addict and his mother is an alcoholic. His father doesn't live with the family and, by boyfriend's own account, their relationship is poor and borderline abusive. The father's parenting is mostly limited to providing gifts and money.
The mother is extremely manipulative, threatening boyfriend with suicides and overdoses unless he provides care for her. She has become increasingly involved in my daughter's relationship with her son. She texts her to say when she's in a depressive mood. Unbeknown to us at the time, on more than one occasion she called my daughter over to attend to her for several hours when she was drunk. At the time my daughter lied to us and claimed she was visiting friends. It only aspired that she had spent time with the mother after she had an argument with her boyfriend about how she'd responded to the situation. This left her very upset and she told one of her older siblings.
Since meeting her boyfriend she has become insular, private and very dependent on him. She describes herself as feeling detached if he is not physically present. She becomes angry and defensive if she is asked for minor details about him, even whether she intends to go around to his house. Up until very recently she would lie about going around to other people's houses instead of saying she was going to meet him. She even made a joint instagram account with her boyfriend. When this became apparent, she claimed it was "not as it seemed."
Recently, she has become less secretive about the relationship and has started to invite him around the family home. She still denies that he's her boyfriend. When he comes over, her day and life is completely consumed by her preparations for his arrival. It takes her over three hours to apply her makeup and once when he arrived early she did not let him in until he was fully ready. Even on a normal school day she spends over two hours applying makeup.
I find that my daughter's boyfriend is very possessive of her. When he is unsure of her location he will continuously text and send voice notes to my daughter and other members of the family. He consciously leaves his possessions around the house and in her room. This includes his personal T-clothing to wear. This makes him seem ever-present in the home and seems to denote possessive behaviour. He also gives her inappropriately expensive gifts including an iPhone, AirPods clothing and a laptop.
Personally, I am very worried. My daughter's boyfriend describes himself as having mental health problems. Although she has a history of mental health problems herself, these have seemingly worsened since she met him. She has lost direct contact with all of her friends and her energy seems to be focussed on making sure everything is okay with him. Her days seem to be structured around her boyfriend and I suspect she has been missing some school to meet with him. She is due to go to university next year but she seems increasingly unable to focus on her studies.
I am conscious that we do not to isolate her or push her away and distance her from the family. I am also mindful that if we stopped him accessing the house, she will return to visiting his house only with a mother who social services regard as potentially dangerous. I would be really grateful if anyone could offer any advice on how to guide my daughter through this situation so that she and her emotional and social wellbeing as well as her potential are not damaged.
Hearing from anyone who has had similar experiences or has observations and advice would be extremely helpful.
Thank you very much.