husband and son at war

[disneywife]

I really need some advice, my son and husband constantly clash, usually over stupid things and I'm in the middle. I can see both points of view but my instinct is to protect my son (only from arguments never anything physical)I really don't want to take sides but it has got to the point where my husband says he can't wait until our son leaves home. I feel totally at my wits end and feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I just don't know what to do

I used to have this with my DH and DS.

Would argue over the stupidest of things, felt like piggy in middle constantly, I would feel that DH was too hard on DS and completely lacked empathy to how the world is now not the same as when DH left home at 16 (because his parents were shit) and worked several jobs. That young people do go out (pre-covid) at 10.00pm because pubs no longer call last orders at 11.

DS could also be selfish and inconsiderate at times and not always do what he should have done, lacked the drive to go and get a part time job and his college course was full time at 2.5 days per week because he would rather have sat on his xbox.

Tbf, if dh moaned at me about DS, I told him I didn't want to hear it. If DS moaned about DH having a go, told him the same. Some days I would rather have stayed at work than go home to deal with it. There was a time I lost my shit with both of them about how selfish they were both being and I was sick of being made to constantly feel like I was in the middle.

DS is 22 now but he did move out last year, not because of DH as they got on great again after a couple of years.

How old is your DS?

He is just 16, I really feel like crying, I just want everyone to get along, I have even suggested a family mediation session!

Unfortunately this is very common . It’s like in the animal kingdom when the young buck challenges the herd leader . I also wanted to protect my son and if I had to choose I would have chosen him. His dad had a military style father and couldn’t accept the world has changed. He and his sister constantly criticised DS . He could do nothing right . He wasn’t perfect but not a bad lad just a normal teenager. It affected our relationship and he also thought life would be better when DS left . It came to a head when he physically attacked our son after drinking and I had to call the police .DS and I left . His dad is constantly trying to rebuild his relationship with DS but DS is not ready. He was jealous of my close relationship with DS but it cost him both of us .

@disneywife

He is just 16, I really feel like crying, I just want everyone to get along, I have even suggested a family mediation session!

Have you sat down with your DH and told him he may be at risk of losing you, that the situation is breaking you?

As sandy said I think it is quite common but not to the extreme of it in our house thankfully.

But not everyone has to get along but they do have to be respectful to each other and you. With mine situation it was as if I was this separate entity in some ways but also stuck in the middle. Also both myself and DH come from completely different backgrounds. His parents were very selfish and in a toxic relationship that was always about them and never about their children, they split when DH was 16 and he didn't want to live with either so moved out and now they can't see why both DH and his DB are no contact with them. Tbf even before this DH said it was very much fend for yourselves as they were either madly in love and excluded the kids or arguing constantly and ignoring them.

I was not from a well off family but what we had went around us all. I was coddled in some ways, Dad used to moan about me as stayed in full time education until 20 (college not uni) then got own house as soon as got full time job so never actually paid rent. We lost my mom 3 years ago suddenly and then had a grandchild 2 years ago who was very poorly. I think this was the breaking point for DH and his family as he sees how good my family were and how we support the kids compared to what he got growing up.

I think if you have different upbringing it can impact then as the kids get older but 16 was where it really started to get tough in our house. 16 YO think they are grown up and can't help being selfish but as an adult your DH needs to guide his DS not berate and argue constantly.

What would happen if you took a step back from being in the middle?

What do they argue about? How does this normally pan out? You say its over stupid things, but what do you mean?

It's usually things like pots in the sink, dog walking, our son's attitude has recently got a lot worse too. I try and use a calm approach ie asking please can you sort the dishes rather than shouting which is my husband's approach. He says he shouldn't need to ask so he gets annoyed.

That is standard stuff and it sounds like your son is being a typical teenager. Maybe your DH is frustrated because he feels that your DS is not doing his chores and that you are not really imposing any consequences?

DH being shouty doesn't work but lets face it at that age most of us would have got into trouble from our parents as well for not doing stuff.

Our 17 yo DS last week went out and hadn't done his chores, and by that we expect him to vacuum round, empty dishwasher, wash the glasses in the sink (because I don't like glasses in dishwasher).

HE was staying at his mates so when he got back the next day, I told him we weren't happen and told him that there are consquences for inaction as well as action. We discussed that he could either be grounded for each chore he didn't do going forward or we would deducted £5 per chore he hadn't done out of his following months money. He chose the grounding. He doesn't feel hard done by because he picked his punishment and DH didn't need to get all shouty because he knows that we will see it through if it happens.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with DS about attitude and how if he wants to be treated more grown up then he needs to accept that he needs to control his attitude (its tough at that age because having attitude comes so naturally) and maybe a conversation with your DH that shouting clearly isn't working and you want to support him and agree that at 16 your DS needs to take some responsibility but how you can put things in place that make him feel better that if DS doesn't do something then there will be consequences.