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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Advice/info on "safe"forums for lonely 17 yr old

20 replies

tensmum1964 · 23/08/2021 00:23

Hi. First time posting in this thread so apologies if its a long one. My 17 yr old Dd has had some difficulty developing friendships over the last few years. She attends college and either previously knew some of the students or has met new people. With both groups she seems to have found herself in a situation where she is often left out of things, not invited etc and its starting to have a real impact on her emotionally. She genuinely feels like no one likes her and at best tolerates or is indifferent to her and she is struggling to understand why. There isn't anything in particular that makes her different to your average 17 yr old. She is sociable, has a good sense of humour and is a kind hearted young woman. We've talked a lot about possible reasons why she is having these issues and are working on various ways to maybe improve things but in the mean time she is struggling with feelings of sadness loneliness and loneliness and it is starting to affect her self esteem . She has a boyfriend who is a lovely young man but he lives an hour bus ride away and neither of them drive and both have part time jobs so they only see each other once or twice a week. Even so she would like to develop some friendships with some girl mates so having her boyfriend doesn't make up for her lack of friendships. I was wondering if anyone knows of any "safe" forums online that she could join not necessarily to make friends to meet up with but a place where she could chat to girls her age in similar circumstances and hopefully have an outlet to share her feelings and talk to young people going through similar things. I use the term safe because I don't mean to sound awful but some online stuff for young people can be really heavy with kids talking about self harm, suicidal ideation etc and she would be extremely put off by that. She doesn't have any issues around anxiety or depression about life in general and for the most part is quite optimistic and a glass half full sort of person. Apart from the friendship stuff she has no other difficult issues as a 17 yr old. She is quite bright and in many ways emotionally mature for her age. She had a bit of a heart wrenching sob tonight about the friendship issues and we discussed ways that she might be able to try and improve things but I thought it might help her to be able to share her feelings with someone who isn't her mother and is her age group. As much as she acknowledges intellectually that lots of 17 yr olds feel this way and has these issues, she doesn't actually know anyone in the same boat who she could talk to so deep down feels alone with this. I did suggest she maybe open up to one or two girls at college as maybe they don't realise how much she is hurting but the thought of in her words, 'embarrassing herself by sounding needy is not something she feels able to do or wants to do. Does anyone know of something that might fit the bill or have had a teen who has done something similar and got some benefit from it then I would really appreciate your input. I feel so sad for her and just want to make it all better for her but sadly I feel powerless so reaching out and hoping for some possible suggestions.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/08/2021 03:48

I hate to ask this age-old question but does she have any hobbies? At 17 I was pretty much in her boat....I had hated school and not kept any friends from there apart from one girl.

I started at a local Youth Theatre and bam! Suddenly I was part of a glorious group of friends who have lasted a lifetime.

WaterIsBest · 23/08/2021 03:50

No forums are ‘Safe’

tensmum1964 · 23/08/2021 07:02

Yes she does FortunesFave. Her main hobby is a sport which is also what she studies at college and participates in outside of college. She also works part time which hopefully will enable her to meet people. At the minute she is the new girl and quite a bit younger than her colleagues but the job keeps her busy and she enjoys it. There is another activity that she would like to get involved in but with Covid restrictions the options with it are limited for now. Hopefully that will change in the future.

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tensmum1964 · 23/08/2021 07:15

I agree WarlerlsBest. She is fairly astute and we talk a lot about young people, risk, online safety etc so I don't worry too much about her being vulnerable online. I suppose I am looking for some recommendations or knowledge of one that isnt all about teenage depression/self harm etc as the ones that I have heard about seem to be young people on the heavy end of life's difficulties if that makes sense. She is quite a fun loving young woman with a positive outlook on life and a lot going for her. She recognises that but the lack of friendships is getting her down.

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FortunesFave · 24/08/2021 12:36

@tensmum1964

I agree WarlerlsBest. She is fairly astute and we talk a lot about young people, risk, online safety etc so I don't worry too much about her being vulnerable online. I suppose I am looking for some recommendations or knowledge of one that isnt all about teenage depression/self harm etc as the ones that I have heard about seem to be young people on the heavy end of life's difficulties if that makes sense. She is quite a fun loving young woman with a positive outlook on life and a lot going for her. She recognises that but the lack of friendships is getting her down.
I've thought about this a bit and the difficulty is that most of the non-depression based forums is that they're built around particular interests and hobbies and you haven't really revealed your DDs.

Reddit is well known for it's very male audience but there are tonnes of brilliant forums on there....I belong to loads. Some are lovely and full of supportive and kind people.

I suggest she has a look on reddit...if she's not familiar with it, the way it works is like this....there are loads of what's called "Subreddits" and these are also known as 'subs'

So there's one for almost every sport you can think of...more than one in fact...one for antiques, another for certain TV shows...yes, some subreddits are a bit odd or pervy but the others aren't. And there are literally thousands.

Tell her to look.

MaryTalbot · 24/08/2021 12:40

Depends what her interests are.

Mine like sewing and knitting so has joined some groups on Facebook and a knitting forums. I’m also a member and she tags me.

tensmum1964 · 24/08/2021 13:10

Thank you. I will get her to look in to that.

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GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 24/08/2021 16:18

There's a site called The Mix, and they have discussion boards and live group chats. While people do talk about mental health there, it's not just for mental health. Many people join because they're lonely and looking to make friends: community.themix.org.uk

MinesAPintOfTea · 24/08/2021 17:20

At 17 she is pretty much an adult and hobby/niche interest (specific music or books) forums are a much better bet than “lonely teenager” forums

tensmum1964 · 24/08/2021 18:04

Thank you. That sounds good.

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tensmum1964 · 24/08/2021 18:05

Sorry, I keep trying to quote or copy in the user name of who I'm responding to but it doesn't seem to work.

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RedLemon · 24/08/2021 18:14

I was quite like your DD and tbh my main confidante was my mum at that age. I had maybe one or two friends in high school.

I ultimately approached college friends as my “bit on the side” nearly and just pushed myself to go out and have fun- say yes to most invitations, keep it light and have a laugh. A good sense of humour is a gift in these situations and the ability to confide and “be needy”, as such, is earned over time. My advice- start out with the fluff. It’s a real boost to just hang out or go out and have a laugh with peers and it gave me the confidence boost I needed.

In the end I made some really good friends and had brilliant times and, yes, some very deep and meaningful conversations and connections, especially when going through tough times/break ups. That said mum was still (and remains) my go-to “soul mate” in a way and I’m totally ok with that as is my lovely DH!

titchy · 24/08/2021 18:29

Senior section guides, be a guide leader, try Dof E, start a book club, college/community sport - get on a committee. All worth trying. Maybe not to make lifelong friends but something social.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 24/08/2021 18:45

Have a look at what your local church run. My friend used to run a really active and busy group for teenagers with lots of activities. When they got too old they generally became leaders and stayed on into their early 20s.

tensmum1964 · 24/08/2021 18:48

@RedLemon

I was quite like your DD and tbh my main confidante was my mum at that age. I had maybe one or two friends in high school.

I ultimately approached college friends as my “bit on the side” nearly and just pushed myself to go out and have fun- say yes to most invitations, keep it light and have a laugh. A good sense of humour is a gift in these situations and the ability to confide and “be needy”, as such, is earned over time. My advice- start out with the fluff. It’s a real boost to just hang out or go out and have a laugh with peers and it gave me the confidence boost I needed.

In the end I made some really good friends and had brilliant times and, yes, some very deep and meaningful conversations and connections, especially when going through tough times/break ups. That said mum was still (and remains) my go-to “soul mate” in a way and I’m totally ok with that as is my lovely DH!

She would do that given the chance but the sad thing is she doesn't get the invites. I'm hoping that a new term at college brings new opportunities to develop friendships.
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RedLemon · 24/08/2021 19:30

I bet new term will be better. Covid put the brakes on a lot of spontaneous nights out I reckon.

Maybe she should put a flea in someones ear about a class night out. We had some of those (class of circa 100) and they were great excuses to invite yourself (myself) out by stealth albeit only 20-30 would usually show up.

I sound like such a mammy now I know! Well meaning but annoyingly useless advice. I feel for her though, I really do. Saying “it’ll get better” sounds like such a cliché so instead I send solidarity from a kindred spirit!Flowers

tensmum1964 · 24/08/2021 21:23

@RedLemon

I bet new term will be better. Covid put the brakes on a lot of spontaneous nights out I reckon.

Maybe she should put a flea in someones ear about a class night out. We had some of those (class of circa 100) and they were great excuses to invite yourself (myself) out by stealth albeit only 20-30 would usually show up.

I sound like such a mammy now I know! Well meaning but annoyingly useless advice. I feel for her though, I really do. Saying “it’ll get better” sounds like such a cliché so instead I send solidarity from a kindred spirit!Flowers

Thank you. Its good to.hear from someone who has experienced similar issues. Your solidarity is very much appreciated. X
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KL92xxxx · 25/08/2021 20:46

Hi I have no advice re forums but I just wanted to say I was exactly the same when I was your daughters age, I got on with everyone but was always the third person in many groups of two best friends if that makes sense, I had friends as such but they were all closer to each other than to me. It was really tough but I just want to say you sound like a great mama, my own mum was very busy with other things so didn’t notice that much. Her knowing you are there for her is everything.

My life changed when I went to uni, I met ‘my people’ and realised the reason why I’d never been close to anyone before was because they just weren’t my type of person/people to be good friends with. 17 is a tough age x

tensmum1964 · 25/08/2021 21:15

@KL92xxxx

Hi I have no advice re forums but I just wanted to say I was exactly the same when I was your daughters age, I got on with everyone but was always the third person in many groups of two best friends if that makes sense, I had friends as such but they were all closer to each other than to me. It was really tough but I just want to say you sound like a great mama, my own mum was very busy with other things so didn’t notice that much. Her knowing you are there for her is everything.

My life changed when I went to uni, I met ‘my people’ and realised the reason why I’d never been close to anyone before was because they just weren’t my type of person/people to be good friends with. 17 is a tough age x

Thank you. I keep telling her that one day she will meet people who she gels with but at the minute its difficult for her to see that.
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Christmasfairy2020 · 25/08/2021 23:24

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