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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Worried about DS14 seemly lack of friendships

13 replies

Manyoaks · 21/08/2021 09:13

Hi I am concerned over DS14 lack of contact with people of the holidays. The half term before the summer the friendship group he was loosely part of half had a shift and since then he hasn't really been in contact with anyone from school. He has met up with a few people from his old school and says he has tried to initiate some meets but he said people just want to stay in. They were never hang about the park sort of kids. I am hoping going back Sept and starting GCSEs that he will get chance to mix with different pupils and maybe start some new friendships. From experience do friendships develop at different stages during secondary? I know he would like some friends but just keeps saying no one really cares about him at school. Just feel gutted for him. He can be reserved and hangs back when in a mix of strong characters. I am struggling with how to encourage him without him seeing it as I am attacking him. Struggling with these teenage years already

OP posts:

Phyllis321 · 21/08/2021 09:41

My DS is the same age and similar. He occasionally uses Discord to chat with his friends but seems unbothered about it. He’s a gentle, quiet child and I think he finds the holidays a welcome break from socialising. It’s hard for me to understand as I was a social butterfly at that age. However, he seems generally content so I try not to worry too much.

Phyllis321 · 21/08/2021 09:42

.... I think the louder Alpha male types inevitably dominate the social scene at this unsophisticated age. Things will change as his peers become more discerning!

WeAllHaveWings · 21/08/2021 12:15

I found the same with ds, when they don't like to just hang about, school friends need to find a common interest outside of school to do together, but getting them to seek out, or even ask their friends to try new things to find out what they might find enjoyable is infuriating.

If they would just try badminton, tennis, swimming, hill walking, 5-a-side, cycling, golf, bowling or any of the many many other activities (doesn't need to be sporty) out there I'm sure they would find something they all enjoy! Just now ds and his friends occasionally go walking in countryside/through parks/woodland (not just strolls, 15k+ walks) or if the weather is ok down to the beach, they talk about trying golf at the local municipal course but haven't arranged anything yet.

Don't have the answer but share your frustration.

Original poster

Manyoaks · 21/08/2021 18:36

Thank you so sharing about your boys. I do see it more of an issue than he does. He is an introvert most definitely and does need to be alone to recharge. The school year on the whole is very heavy with Alpha males but I had hoped by now he would have found his people. Activities sound like a really good idea I will try to encourage this.

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DinaofCloud9 · 21/08/2021 18:37

Mine is the same. He seems happy enough and has chats to them online so I haven't pushed him.

Comedycook · 21/08/2021 18:40

My ds is 13 and really sociable but has barely seem anyone these summer hols. I thought he'd be out and about all the time . He also says no one wants to meet up really...he definitely has friends but apparently they all stay at home and play videogames. Think it's this generation. Sad

Northernparent68 · 22/08/2021 20:23

@WeAllHaveWings

Don't have the answer but share your frustration.

To be fair not everyone know how to play badminton,tennis golf or football.

Original poster

Manyoaks · 22/08/2021 21:32

I agree I think it is a generation thing. I maybe wrong but my observation is that girls also seem better are getting activities/meet ups more than boys at this age. Here's hoping he finds some similar souls when he returns to school 🤞

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WellTidy · 22/08/2021 21:42

My 13yo DS is the same. He hasn’t met up with anyone from school this summer, but neither has he played online games or WhatsApp or anything else. He’s played on his games console etc but not against anyone.

He has socialised, but the contact he’s had with other children has been of our making when he’s played with Dc of our friends (who he is good friends with) when we’ve made arrangements to meet up. And he has really, really enjoyed those opportunities.

He also won’t go to holiday clubs, and has never been willing to go.

It’s hard, as it puts lots of pressure on us as parents to facilitate him having a good time out of the house. So it’s me or DH that he has gone to the cinema with, theatre with, done bicycle rides with etc.

He says he’s had a great summer though so I’m pleased

Original poster

Manyoaks · 08/09/2021 20:02

Thank you to everyone for posting and sharing your ideas/issues. I know there are a fair few threads about similar issues so I know they aren't all alone, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch it play out. We have had a great few weeks with ds spending time with a family friend and it has lovely to her them laughing together. DS has only just gone back into school so we will see if the new GCsE lessons bring about any new opportunities to make friends. He did open up a few nights ago that he just feels really lonely and that no one actually cares about him. He said he feels depressed and what's the point being here as no one would care if he wasn't. We spoke about putting too much emphasis on friendships and that teenagers are generally quite self absorbed and not to think all the others are actually checking on each other all the time. I have asked him to keep talking but now I am even more worried and feel at a total loss. He doesn't want me to speak to school or Doc at the moment. Not interested in joining any sport groups. Feel so gutted I guess we need to just see if the friendships issue changes as I am sure that would help how he feels

OP posts:

Wondergirl100 · 09/09/2021 18:28

OP - I work with teens sometimes. Have you had a really good look at youth club provision within a few mile radius? He may well not be keen at first but even with cut backs there is usually something on -

ie. table tennis club (less sporty than football) - youth club ?

I think the huge cuts to youth services is something very unfortunate as I read a lot of posts like this - kids need somewhere to just 'be' and 'hang out' - not necessarily be doing sport etc.

I wish there was one on every street corner. At 14 I did a lot of community drama - don't know if he would try that?

Could you call your local parent/ mum friends and ask what teens are doing for after school activities and clubs?

could he do a weekly bike ride with a mate that you gently help get going?

Is it worth speaking to his teacher? If he is actually feeling depressed.

Wondergirl100 · 09/09/2021 18:29

I think online gaming has so much to answer for. Kids sit at home and for those that are shy or just lazy/ introverted it is just easier to chat to mates from your room. 20 years ago most teens went out and about to parks etc after school to hang out and see each other.

Original poster

Manyoaks · 09/09/2021 22:51

Thank you Wondergirl for your suggestions. In the past he has been a real home boy so everything he has done outside of home has been because we have pushed. It seems literally overnight he wants more Freedom and time away from us. He has joined a local gym this week with another boy and that seems to be working well. I am keeping my eyes open for after school activities. Gaming has been a cop out as he is introverted but he has cut that down himself massively over the last few weeks. I am going to see how things go with him feeling depressed and may reach out to his tutor if I am still concerned. I have realised today though by keep questioning him and his feelings isn't helping lift his mood at all we just keep going round in circles. I am just hoping it is more of a hormonal blip than anything more serious, whilst at the same time don't want to minimise what he is saying. It's blinking hard work. I do appreciate your ideas thank you

OP posts:

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