25 y.o. stepmum to 12 y.o. girl

[biscuitfox]

Hi! My stepdaughter is nearly twelve now and is about to go to secondary school. She is waiting for a special educational needs plan - she has dyslexia, dysgraphia and ADHD but improves greatly.

She was born very, very prematurely and has faced a lot of health issues so we are all happy that she is healthy and a brilliant girl.

I'm 25 and I spend a lot of time with her. I have ADHD myself so I do know how to help her with managing things. I love children and think about having my own soon. Her mum - my partner's ex-wife has a chronic illness and is sometimes incapacitated. So any outdoorsy activity is on us. We've spent some great holidays together and I'm very happy that she accepts me (I've been with her dad for six years now).

The issue is that I don't know how much I am entitled to. I feel like I want to spend a lot of time with her and help her to succeed at school, find extra-curricular activities - that which her mother does not do. However, I don't know if it is right for me to get involved so much.
I consider myself being like a second mum, however me being closer in age to her than to her dad makes her feel as though I'm her friend.
As she will become a teenager, i.e. be 15 when I'm 29 - I don't know what to expect, I hope I will not be blamed by her for incrusting myself into her life. I don't want her mother to feel like I am trying to take her daughter away from her - that's not the case. I just want the best for her and feel like I can't stand idle when I see an education failing...
Anyone been in a similar situation? any advice from experienced mums/stepmums?

Thank you so much ! xx

You seem really caring. But things like that you should leave to her parents.. Where is her father in all of this? Educational decisions should be made by the parents, of course you're allowed to have some input.. But strictly speaking, you don't have parental responsibility for her so it wouldn't be down to you to make these decisions.
Perhaps her mother and father could have a discussion with regards to her education with your input also? I think there is a fine like between parenting and being her friend and you're in danger of crossing it..
That being said, you've been in her life 6 years so you're warranted to have some input into her life, but final decisions aren't down to you I'm afraid.

@pebbledashery thank you for your reply. He is helpful too. I think what most strikes me in what you say is that 'fine line between parenting and being her friend'. I really don't know much about that, I'm on the spectrum slightly, so I tend to be honest and not really treat children that differently from adults. I treat her as my equal. I'm obviously not going to party with her or things she will do with her friends. But we have a good relationship and she does confide in me. I just don't want to be too patronising or act like her mother. I think we both feel I can't be her mother because if she was, biologically I'd have her at 12...

I think the father really needs to take on responsibility for his daughters educational success rather than you.. That should be something he actually wants to do.
I would maybe just take a small step back, it's fine to be her friend at times but you're an adult at the end of the day.. It's not your fault that you're young, you've proven yourself to be mature and trustworthy by effectively taking on a step parent role...I just think you do need to take a step back from wanting to make the parental decisions for her as it's not your place.. In the same way if her mum had a partner or wouldn't be his place either.

Do you have a good relationship with her mum? If so you could perhaps make some suggestions or ask your partner to mention your views (even if he passes them off as his own for his daughters benefit). I would agree that the parents make the decisions however it depends on how involved the mum is with things like this as you mentioned she was unwell too? Speak to your other half and see how he feels xx

@Pebbledashery He is involved and spends multiple afternoons in the week with her plus the weekend. They read together and do homework - but he is busy with work, and when she's not at school/with him/with me, she's just on the phone on social media or not doing anything. her mum doesn't have any authority over her...

Are you on friendly terms with her mother? Would you feel comfortable talking with her and saying I enjoy doing these things with her, are you comfortable with this level of involvement? I don’t want to tread on any toes or look like I’m muscling in etc etc.
You can help SD out, offer advice. Anything educational has to be the bio parent’s final decision but you can make suggestions as “this is what I would do”, just throw the hat in the ring and they’ll choose to pick it up or not.

Make suggestions. Don't over step and make decisions as it's not your place. Your heart is in the right place, I can see that. But they are her parents and without sounding harsh, it's not your place.

What about you? Was this how you planned to spend your teenage years and life as a young adult? Who is looking out for your needs? Do you feel supported in your own life goals, career, social life etc?

Seems that you have been step mother to a 6 year old with complex needs since you were a teenager yourself. Is there any chance that you have been subtly exploited by her DF to pick up her care. How old is he?

Step-parents often get a bad press, but my stepmum is amazing, and I love her in the same way that I love my biological parents. I think that children thrive on having plenty of adult carers and role models who love them. You aren't her mother, but you are a significant adult in her life, and it sounds as though the role you play could be really special and positive for her. I think the way to think about it, both in your own head and when you are discussing things with her parents, is that you are "in addition to" rather than "instead of". You aren't taking their place, or undermining their role, but you are able to give extra time, effort, support, expertise, experience etc.