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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Concerns re DS16

18 replies

holidaycovid · 08/08/2021 11:52

DS has a totally new group of friends who are not local although were at school together and I am concerned that they may be getting into trouble. No proof of anything just a concern as DS is vulnerable as no past experience of friendships plus ASD/ADHD. I fear DS would do anything to have friends but he is so happy to be included. Lots of sleepovers and being out all the time in the city 40 miles from us.

I have discussed risks of grooming, drugs etc again and said he can call any time of day or night with code message and I will collect him from anywhere but I am still worrying about it rather than GCSE results this week!!

Any advice welcome

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 08/08/2021 12:11

How old is he? 40 miles is a long way....I have a DD with ADHD and do understand your worries.

Original poster

holidaycovid · 08/08/2021 12:23

He is 16 and just finished year 11. However is very used to getting buses/trains to school so no concerns about the actual transport more the potential inner city experience and being vulnerable to others.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 09/08/2021 07:59

Have you met any of the other boys? Their families? I know it's tricky...I also have a 16 year old.

Original poster

holidaycovid · 09/08/2021 22:10

Not met any of the parents and have no contacts for any of them but have met some of the boys. They have stayed but really didnt speak to us.

OP posts:

Original poster

holidaycovid · 09/08/2021 22:13

Turned up at 11pm or midnight both times and left at midday without really emerging from annex.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 09/08/2021 23:47

Stalk them on their social media channels OP. Get their names in a roundabout way from DS and look them up. The content on their Insta and TikToks will let you know who they are.

Original poster

holidaycovid · 09/08/2021 23:59

That would be great but absolutely no idea how I would get on their social media or even what modes 16 year olds use. I know their real names but cant imagine any scenario where I could get their social media names from DS. I dont think DS posts, or not under anything that could be linked to him as has always been disparaging about people who get in trouble for their posts.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 10/08/2021 03:14

My DDs can be found via their names...some 16 year olds keep their accounts private...others don't. You just search them on Instagram...

FortunesFave · 10/08/2021 03:15

And Facebook...a lot don't use it though some do.

MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 07:45

@holidaycovid

Not met any of the parents and have no contacts for any of them but have met some of the boys. They have stayed but really didnt speak to us.

It might be a good idea to be more proactive OP.

When the boys stay over again I would engage fully with them rather than letting them slink in and out of my home without speaking to me properly. You can get a feel for the dynamics first hand.

You can type in any of their full names into Google and search for them on the various social media platforms. Many don't have full privacy settings so you can look through photos etc. Have you ever searched for or looked at your DS' social media content?

What's happened to the local friends DS had at school?

PeakyPaula · 10/08/2021 08:14

Most kids around here don't use facebook or insta, it's all on snapchat. Are his location services on? If not then you can say it's to track the phone, not him, in case he drops it or leaves it somewhere. At least you'll know where he is.

Original poster

holidaycovid · 10/08/2021 09:05

These kids are from DS school. It has a wide catchment! He has never had any friends before until leaving school hence my treading so carefully. He has been desperate for friends all his life hence my saying he is so vulnerable. I dont want him to think I am not trusting him as I want to try to maintain some relationship with him. I tried to speak to the boys but they were monosyllabic and only emerged from annex to leave. No tracking is not on and he has always hated the idea of being tracked which I can understand as i would have been exactly the same despite doing nothing even remotely interesting.

OP posts:

MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 14:20

@holidaycovid

It's tricky. Does he let you know where he's staying on the sleepovers? I get that he doesn't want to be tracked but a quick text to give details is respectful to you. It's the least I would expect.

Obviously as he's not had friends up until now this is a pretty big jump in his social life. All the normal gradual independence and rules haven't be tried and tested before. Now he's 16 it might seem overbearing but he's gone from zero to 100 miles an hour!

Perhaps encourage him to bring his friends over more often rather than going away for quite so many sleepovers?

Keep your communication with him open but don't be afraid of laying down some rules with anything you feel uncomfortable about. Just because he doesn't like it shouldn't mean you backing down.

Original poster

holidaycovid · 10/08/2021 16:01

He knows he can have anyone here for sleepover in annex anytime but we are rural whereas the others are in city or near their school so central for everyone. I feel uncomfortable as it is all so sudden but he hasnt done anything to show he cant be trusted and I am aware how I felt at that age with wanting some privacy and I dont want to damage communication channels. He says where he is staying/who with but no idea if it is true, however no reason to think that it isnt.

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 10/08/2021 16:05

What about asking him to put phone tracking on just for trips so far from home, with the proviso that you won't use it unless he doesn't check in, arrive home on time?
Sell it as a safety feature in exchange for these extra freedoms.

MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 16:27

Your DS seems to be sensible and taking it all in his stride which is admirable considering his lack of experience socially.

His new social life is new to you and I think will take some getting used to. I guess those parents with kids who have been out and about with friends over the years will have becomed accustomed to it rather than dropped into it.

Give it time. He hasn't given you any reason to worry so it all sounds fine. How do any of us know if our kids are where they say they are (clunky grammar, sorry). It's all about good communication and trust, which you seem to have with your DS, while quietly worrying like we all do!

He'll make mistakes I'm sure, but given the lack of experience your DS has, he sounds like he's doing just great.

MydogWillow · 10/08/2021 16:29

@trumpisagit

What about asking him to put phone tracking on just for trips so far from home, with the proviso that you won't use it unless he doesn't check in, arrive home on time? Sell it as a safety feature in exchange for these extra freedoms.

Great idea.

FortunesFave · 10/08/2021 21:31

Definitely Google the boys' names. Definitely try to engage them more...if they don't answer properly just keep at it.

16 year old boys are just like big kids really...

How is DS mood when he returns from these meetings? Is he happy? Grumpy? What you'll need to watch for is any changes in behaviour...that could indicate drugs or bullying. But I very much doubt it's that since they've made the effort to come to his house.

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