How do you do it?

[Winenota]

Just feel like I’m letting teenagers down. Life stuff meant me and Dh struggled for a while. So we haven’t been anywhere or done anything for ever. Finding it so hard to find stuff for Ds to do that’s not phone. Dd has bought into this trans shit. The house is a mess. We need stuff doing to it and I’m frozen in fear. I’m finding it hard to see people. I wanted a home full of love and laughter and it’s like a morgue. How do I make it nice for teens? Where do I take them? What do we do? What do other people do on a weekend or for days out? I have a couple of good mates but my kids aren’t bothered by theirs so won’t mix. Just feel so much responsibility to at least give them a bit of fun. Dh moved his holiday dates 3 times for work meeting so we didn’t get away and I think that’s been exhausting for us all. And boring. We don’t have any family near to take them out or visit. Just tired of the responsibility and not having fun. How do we have fun?

film and pizza? museum or art exhibition? walk in the park? sports challenge together? ct5k, or enter a run and raise money for charity together? What do your kids want to do? Why are you "frozen in fear"?

Id have a family meeting and explain what you just said here. Throw in an easy suggestion of your own like, 'hire a hot tub for the garden.' That would mean youd hang out together but its not peesented like that.

Hi @Winenota. Its tough isn't it. I have 3 teens. One is autistic, I'm nursing another through a break up and my youngest dd is a boy apparently - youngest told me she hated me yesterday and i should just kill myself.

Anyway... when we do have fun its usually round the dinner table. So although they prefer to go out with their mates, we try and eat together once a day. With my youngest i try a maintain a connection by going on walks, going for pizza or to the cinema. We rarely go out as a family and i don't force outings on them.

Giving them lifts to places opens up opportunities for a chat.

For my own sanity i go out with my own friends: lunch, drinks,whatever. My and dh are going away without the kids next weekend too

Thanks. I guess cinema. Kids don’t seem to want to do anything. I organised a trip with other mums for boys which went down well, but no one else is organising anything. Or maybe they are, just without ds. They all seem to have tons of grandparents to stay with.
We live in fairly rural place and have done a lot of dreary traipsing round when Dh Ill.There isn’t much here tbh. Or there is but can’t get ds on a bike, he hate ps the beach, doesn’t like swimming..Dh very depressed after life crap. He’s getting better but it’s been a long haul.
I’m frozen in fear because I don’t know how to actually choose a tradesman. They all come and say different stuff and charge the Earth. And we don’t have too much money to splash about. So what should be a nice home is getting a bit manky!

Have you asked them what they'd like to do? Everything is still a bit weird at the moment really with covid, you are a parent but also a person too, and if you're struggling you're only human. I spent many hours (by choice) on my phone or watching crap on the telly, and I was perfectly happy. I think there's always pressure to be doing more, I feel it with my DS, people always seems to be doing more, going more places, doing more crafts, or generally just providing more exciting stuff to do; but then he is loved, we have fun, he is happy enough going for a walk or whatever.

Be kind to yourself, and speak to your teens maybe and see how they feel, and what they'd think would help.

Also what work do you need doing? Use something like check a trade, you put what you need and they send quotes through, there's reviews from people who have used them before as well.

We manage to get them together for card games evening/ takeaway/ a special new release film.
Also- any creative house diy type thing. Eg- my daughter and I did a makeover of a cupboard yesterday- fun.
Nothing out of the house all together though!! Everyone likes different things.

Thanks moomgalicious and Mugee. Can’t tell you how nice it is to read your response.
It is hard! So glad you said that. My dd is also a boy and hates me because I’m concerned that she’s started binding her breasts.
We got into the bad habit since lockdown of eating round the tv. Then ds legs it to play in his phone. I’ll see if we can eat round table.
I think lunch with friends sounds nice! I have let that’s side of things slip. And it’s getting harder to call someone.
I guess you’re right and it always feels like everyone else is amazing. Bloody social media.
Maybe am just putting too much pressure on me and they are fine, I’ll chat to them, so far I get,’ I dunno! ‘ 😀

They are bloody exhausting.

Take them to cities. So they can see the bigger world. Even if you just do one thing when you are there and then eat an ice cream on watch the world go by. They just need to see things and people. Half a day out is enough for a teenager!

Don't feel like you all have to be together all the time. We eat together but they do spend a lot of time in their rooms. When they come out don't nag them. Just be happy to see them and try to be positive.

Don't get sucked into the trans thing. They are all at it. I've got two teenagers and at least two thirds of both of their friendship groups are trans/bi/cis. I've just gone down the 'ok that's great, we will always love you' route. I tell her she looks great and I've bought her the 'girls guide to sensible shoes' that we saw at a comic store so she can at least sound like she knows what she's talking about a bit as I think that was driving me mad the most.

Things we do as a family include watching a film once a week. We take turns to choose. Playing board games or card games. We have taskmaster and that's really fun. I'm making them learn how to shuffle cards as that's a life skill. I also try to carefully on them into watching other tv programmes with us. Like 'The Wilds' on Amazon Prime. I thought it was bloody awful but pretended otherwise.

Thanks graffiti artist!
That’s good to know that you don’t go out of the house all together. A cupboard makeover sounds fun. Dd mentioned selling all her toys, maybe I could get her doing that.
And maybe I could dig out a game. I think everyone is bored of endless Netflix. Ds liked jigsaws but yesterday didn’t want me to get one. Maybe I should get one anyway?
Thanks guys you’ve cheered me up a bit. I’ll get tidying as I think that’s getting me down.
We are looking to get 2 windows replaced and others patched up and they are just awful people. Who all say different things - a lot of them wrong, I think, thanks to Internet. And £40 for slapping in an inch of putty.
How can windows cost so much? And the hedge needs cutting and the grass ets. And I can’t get kids to do any of it. And I can’t do it all. Well I could start, but Dh says,’ I’ll do that, you’ll do it wrong’ but he doesn’t.
Oops moving into a different thread here!

And the hedge needs cutting and the grass ets. And I can’t get kids to do any of it. And I can’t do it all. Well I could start, but Dh says,’ I’ll do that, you’ll do it wrong’ but he doesn’t.
About once a month I will say 'we are all doing a job tomorrow' and allocate tasks like that and we all do them at the same time. What would take me four hours will take the four of us an hour. We all live here! I'm not doing it all while everyone else lies down.

We have the same thing info at the moment. I did things early in the holidays but am running out of steam and middle Ds at 13 doesn't want to do anything much and is not really willing to do much with friends - he is quite grumpy atm. One of the additional problems I have is that I don't have friends with boys the same age where both siblings get on with mine. So if one of the children gets on with one DS there is no one for the other one - either the older one actively dislikes the other sibling or the younger one is slightly bullied or out of kilter with the other child...or the remaining sibling is very much the wrong age. Like you we have hardly any relatives and none with children and I'm single parenting. If I have one at home only it works well but trying to amuse a 13 and a 11 with very different personalities is difficult. Things we are doing that have worked:
Swimming
A trip to the cinema (but it's a lot of money to go more often)
We will go to one national trust place with a relative next week but the older DS will be bored I'm sure, plus weather looks a bit rubbish
Sleepover with a friend, pizza etc
Then I've filled time with random need-to-do things like buying school shoes etc.
We have a Netflix series we are enjoying together where we cosy up and have a few sweets as we watch
The best times to be honest have been when one DC is busy eg at a friends or on a course, and I've had a meal out and shopping with one DC on their own.
There are lots of more active things my friends are doing like cycle rides but frankly I hate doing that myself so am not going to spend my hols not only doing childcare but also things I actually dislike!

Thanks hugehog. That’s a brilliant idea. Maybe I could get 4 brushes and we’ll all paint the fence together. Maybe opit could be a hilarious race! ( in my dreams!) I’ve been trying to make sat a.m. house tidy time for an hour with music, but they say no it’s a Sunday job and of course it doesn’t get done. Also they are all in bed for hours on a sat a. M
Maybe I need to drag them up?
Thanks marly11. You sound exactly like me!I agree with you mary11, about the best times. When they go out with mates it’s blissful!. It’s getting ds on a course will have to organise it for his mates to go too. I have the same problem .with my mates kids too. Bum! Would love to go on group weekend away etc. Or maybe I am just being unrealistic.
I’ll take them for shoes etc. Good idea. Maybe we could paint a bedroom.
I know, I feel guilty about not taking them cycling and camping etc. So I like your style!

HH- I like the idea of "jobs day".
They do need pushing to do jobs, and that way there is no option!! Like it.
It's hard isn't it- to go from being needed 24/7, to hardly seeing them.
The guilt!!

You sound really flat. It can be motivating to imagine a movie of what you’re doing. So envisage you and the dcs painting or choosing a game to play together.

My 13yo goes out with her friends when she feels like it. They've just come back from a relative's, which is all enforced trips, which they do enjoy but don't need (I have a 9yo too). We'll go to McDonald's for my birthday and the 9yo is having his at Flip Out, both in the holidays, also there may be a picnic with the Tolkien Society, depending if anyone wants to go, Covid has killed off the local group, no one wants to leave their house. I'd say let them do what they want if they're happy.

Teens can be awkward little buggers.
Here are somethings my teens have enjoyed over the last few months. Unfortunately not many of them are free, sadly the days when a trip to the park was exciting are long gone!

Beach trip (dd1 isn’t a massive fan, but will tolerate)
Inflatable water park (great fun and not ridiculously expensive)
Thorpe park (busy and ridiculously expensive, but a great day out for teens)
Shopping trip to local city
Shopping trip and lunch date to city we hadn’t visited before.
National trust visit (I’d say this was tolerated rather than enjoyed).
Trip to the new forest.

Things we have coming up over the next few weeks.
Theatre trip to London ( not cheap, but we’ve not been for a few years)
Paintballing
Paddle boarding
Probably more national trust visits and beach trips.

I’d also recommend cooking at home. Dd2 and I made loaded chocolate fudge the other day, which went down well. Get them to make tea for you and DH? They might enjoy the challenge.

Board games are also still fun occasionally. Though we don’t play as often as when they were small.

OP I feel similar to you. My DDs are 14 and 12.

I feel bad that I'm not providing more for them to do during the summer. My 12 yr old doesn't like the cinema. They get bored on walks, so we don't bother with that anymore. I hate board games. Mine do both like reading thankfully, but that won't fill six weeks.

I struggle with having to book time slots for even just simple things due to covid restrictions. I haven't got my head around booking in advance before things fill up. I can't be bothered anyway as they just end up arguing whatever we do. Going swimming the other day was stressful with all the rules to follow plus I find swimming so boring and cold.

I know I sound miserable. I'm not cut out for socialising and I do feel my kids miss out because of me. My 14yr old meets up with friends a bit, when they are free.

I find my DC are much more up for days out with me if food is involved - the promise of lunch at McDonald's, or going to get bubble tea or hot chocolate, after a museum trip etc seems to make them much more enthusiastic. They also like picnics.

I take mine on occasional expensive days out (Go Ape, an escape room, a theme park), but mostly cheaper outings - swimming at the local lido, inflatable water park, museums (some are quite inexpensive or even free), bike rides, hikes.

Games: Cluedo, Articulate, Labyrinth. Ticket to Ride always gets recommended on here too, although we don't have it.

@HugeHog

They are bloody exhausting.

Take them to cities. So they can see the bigger world. Even if you just do one thing when you are there and then eat an ice cream on watch the world go by. They just need to see things and people. Half a day out is enough for a teenager!

Don't feel like you all have to be together all the time. We eat together but they do spend a lot of time in their rooms. When they come out don't nag them. Just be happy to see them and try to be positive.

Don't get sucked into the trans thing. They are all at it. I've got two teenagers and at least two thirds of both of their friendship groups are trans/bi/cis. I've just gone down the 'ok that's great, we will always love you' route. I tell her she looks great and I've bought her the 'girls guide to sensible shoes' that we saw at a comic store so she can at least sound like she knows what she's talking about a bit as I think that was driving me mad the most.

Things we do as a family include watching a film once a week. We take turns to choose. Playing board games or card games. We have taskmaster and that's really fun. I'm making them learn how to shuffle cards as that's a life skill. I also try to carefully on them into watching other tv programmes with us. Like 'The Wilds' on Amazon Prime. I thought it was bloody awful but pretended otherwise.

Fantastic!

Oh you are all so wonderful! I’m so glad I’m not just a crap mum.
goodvibeshere that’s exactly how I feel! Hopefully some of these suggestions will be of use to you too.
Suggested city yesterday and Ds immediately didn’t want to come, which makes me just lose any oomph. Dd keen as mustard.
Then Dh said he’d drive..but then went on about parking…and traffic…so it’s obvious he doesn’t really want to. And of course then I realised you’ve got to book a museum ticket beforehand and then ds more moaning..so we ended up going to the nearby town. Which was ok. Dd wanted k pop and Dh told her it was cheaper online, which it is, but that’s not the point…all a bit lack lustre. Thank goodness for bagel shop!
Not sure I can face that again!
Games are a good idea, I love cluedo! And will look up the wilds.
Thanks for the mention about the trans thing hugehog I guess it’s like punk ( showing my age!)
They are both in the rooms atm, it’s a lovely sunny day..but I need to get stuff done, so turning off Mumguilt now!
Bloody things broken and won’t turn off!