What would you think?

[Barryallen]

DD16 told us she was bi but hasn’t said anything since (refused to) We’re honestly not bothered by it and have told her that.
Told us today that she’s hanging out with a couple of long time friends but is seen out with a new friend (girl) who she has told us is 18 but we don’t know her and we suspect she is actually older (think 20/21 maybe even) because of previous things we were told when they worked together last year.
She’s been hanging out with this new friend almost daily (they also work together)
I’m inclined to think they’re dating but the lying and the question about age has me wondering if other normal teen behavior or more problematic because of the possible big age difference.

Sorry - typo- meant to say we are wondering if it is just normal teen behavior or something that could be more problematic! I know if/when I try and talk to her about it then all hell will break loose. Honestly I’m tired of battles and wondering if I’m overthinking this (I’m well aware teens don’t tell parents everything!)

I think you're overthinking... in the nicest Possible way. What are you actually worried about?

I’m worried that if it is a relationship then the potential age difference (minimum 2 years and possibly could be up to 5 years) could be unhealthy. And I’m worried about the lying.
Underlying all of this is a previous toxic friendship that we had to stop (again an older girl!) and that was fairly eye opening in terms of her mental health:(

I can understand that. I think though it's in their nature to lie to us. It doesn't necessarily mean anything worrying is happening. It's more a natural urge to pull away.

How's her behaviour otherwise? Eating, studying, sleep, mood?

She had a bad end to the school year (failed a high level class) and that set her back a lot. She is eating junk a lot (with friends as it’s the summer!) sleeping okay and her mood is okay as long as she’s left alone (ie not questioned by us!)
She has been having therapy since March (and according to the therapist is finally engaging) and has been in an anti-depressant since May.

It sounds like there are a few issues then so I can understand your concern. On its own I wouldn't think a problem.

Do you know if she's discussing the new relationship/friendship with her therapist?

I’ve no idea- as she’s 16 she has a right to privacy (unless there is potential for self harm)
All I know is when we had the previous issue her therapist was concerned because she was t opening up about anything whereas now she says she is engaging more (whatever that means!)
Honestly I was so naive- I genuinely thought she’d be my easier teen!

My god I totally feel your pain. Is it worth asking the therapist to gently raise the subject? Obviously you won't get any feedback because like you say there's the privacy thing... but it might prompt the discussion

My dd has therapy and a couple of times now a small comment to therapist as to where to guide the conversation has prompted dd opening up

That sound like a good idea - I hadn’t thought to make suggestions - me and my DH did have a zoom session with her therapist after the issue with the toxic friend just to let her know what had happened but haven’t talked to her since.

My DD's therapist was glad to have the nudge. I didn't tell her much at all as didn't want to feel I was projecting or steering the conversation. I think I just said "she has a new relationship, I wanted to let you know as I doubt she's mentioned it and it's probably something she could benefit from discussing"