Getting teenager off porn

[WoIsMe]

My 15-year-old has been accessing porn. I thought I had things locked down through the WiFi router settings and the Sky box not allowing adult sites/channels but I didn’t realise that Reddit was such a big source of porn. It’s all photos rather than videos, which is something, but there are lots of personal messages from strange adults including sexting conversations.

I’ve now blocked social media at the WiFi router, installed Microsoft Family limitations on the computer and moved it into the living room so use can be supervised, and removed the iPhone until I can work out how to block apps and websites on it as well.

My question is, how easy is it to overcome this kind of porn addiction? There’s some awful stuff on there such as rape fantasies and incest. Is it possible to get back to a normal sexuality once you’ve started down this route?

What leads you to believe there is a porn addiction? That seems to be quite a leap from “accessing porn”

It’s not just looking at pictures though, it’s following over 20 hard porn Reddits and then daily messages sexting men with comments like “I’ll happily meet you and let you rape me.” There’s someone who appears to be a 13-year-old trans boy with hundreds of messages between them per day on Discord mentioning cum and being degraded. There are also logs of long video calls on Discord so who knows what went on in those. It’s way beyond finding a few dirty mags stuffed down the back of the bed.

I think this level of monitoring and involvement in your son exploring his sexuality is likely to cause him issues for years to come.

How do you knows it’s a porn addiction?

Okay, your second comment casts a different light on things. Might have been pertinent to mention that in your OP.

@ZealAndArdour

I think this level of monitoring and involvement in your son exploring his sexuality is likely to cause him issues for years to come.

How do you knows it’s a porn addiction?

Wtf? Exploring one’s sexuality these days is accessing hardcore porn chats with adults at 15? Which is may I remind you illegal? There’s no need for porn apologists on this thread.

The OP didn’t make any reference to the concerning stuff in her second post initially.

She alluded that he’d been looking at photographs on Reddit and having conversations with “adults” - how does OP know they’re adults and not peers?

She then said there was lots of stuff on there about incest, and rape, but didn’t indicate that’s what he’d been looking at.

I’m not a porn apologist, just didn’t really understand what the OP’s final goal was? That her son spends his time wanking into the Freeman’s catologue instead?

The messages he’s been sending about being raped, and talking to a 13 year old are very very concerning however.

ZealAndArdour I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drip feed. I haven’t been monitoring, indeed I thought the router settings stopped all adult content. I was cleaning the desk and when I lifted the keyboard the monitor came on to Reddit and Discord. Only once I had seen what was showing did I actively look further as it was a level beyond what one might expect a teenager to be looking at.

These are the worst of the Reddit subscriptions. Bizarrely, at the bottom of the subscriptions list was one called r/WholesomeMemes or something similar.

I want to be able to get back to a place where normal sexuality can develop. How can someone that hasn’t got any further than kissing in previous relationships (as far as I know, anyway) be inviting strange men to rape them?

@ZealAndArdour

I think this level of monitoring and involvement in your son exploring his sexuality is likely to cause him issues for years to come.

How do you knows it’s a porn addiction?

Where did op say it was her son?

Have you had a conversation with your son/daughter about what you've found? This really isn't normal so I'd be looking for advice from a professional to help your teen and you work your way through this. I can see why you're worried.

No I haven’t had the chance yet MaMaD1990. It’s Scout camp this week which ends tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to the conversation where I say, I know what you’ve been doing online and your computer has been moved to the living room. I don’t know the pin code for the iPhone so I haven’t had a chance to look on there yet. I’m hoping there won’t be any naked photos.

I listened to a Stella O’Malley podcast on this subject and she reckons teenagers won’t talk about their porn use. I could report it to the school safeguarding lead to see whether it would be possible to access counselling at school. My oldest child had counselling at the school when he was going through a bad patch and he found it helpful.

OP you need to remove all social media, phones, tvs etc. Get a hard look through them. ask DS (assuming it's DS) the pin code for the iPhone, remove any privileges until he gives you it. You need to get a grip on this as he is putting himself in danger.

Those porn searches, those messages, are disturbing and suggests yes she is probably going down a really dicey route. I would contact Relate and see if they can put you in touch with a counsellor that deals specifically with porn addiction in kids. I should point out that the research suggests girls tend to gravitate towards pornographic stories with some kind of social media content - so you may want to block tumblr, fanfiction and other erotic story sites.

Hello OP. This is so difficult. I hope you are OK.

Aside from the other suggestions, maybe take a look at Culture Reframed: www.culturereframed.org/

It's an organisation run by Gail Dines, an anti-porn activist. She is amazing and has done a lot of research on the impact of pornified culture on teenagers. There are resources on there for parents which may help you talk to your child. Check out Gail's Ted talk too.

Anyone who minimises looking at hardcore porn as 'just what kids do' has absolutely zero understanding of its long term effects, both on boys and girls.

Thanks MissCruellaDeVil yes the computer has been thoroughly locked down and all other phones, iPads and computers in the house have had their pin codes or passwords changed. I’ve blocked all the social media sites I can think of such as Tumblr and Twitch.tv. The iPhone has been removed until I can get the pin code and have a look through it and block apps and websites on that. I’m going to insist on access to the phone and computer to review it and I will take the phone away if necessary. It’s harder with the computer as it’s needed for GCSE school work.

Thanks for the Relate suggestion Ozanj I’ll look into it.

Going off your other threads op, I'd suggest looking up AGP, and not allowing your child internet access alone.

I cross posted with you Countrypunk. Thank you for the recommendation, this is exactly the kind of help I need. Google searches bring up a lot of superficial information but not so much concrete help. Yes I’m very concerned about the long-term effects of this early immersion in hardcore porn. Some of it leaves me cold, especially the rape fantasies. And the danger of contacting random men on Reddit and trying to meet up. I know teenagers can be stupid but this is extreme. I don’t even know whether any meet ups have already happened. I think probably not because the reality would have been a world away from the fantasy.

I really want some assurance that there’s a way back to a normal sex life from this, even if it means tight restrictions for the next few years.

I've also just found this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lE7ySBt7aMs

Might be a good starting point for you. I really rate Gail.

I hope all goes well OP. For what it's worth, I absolutely believe people can have normal and healthy relationships with sex after issues with porn. Obviously I don't know anything about your child's situation, but chances are they're a combination of confused, scared and curious. You just need to open the communication channels and take it from there.

Take care

I think in any conversation about it it’s important to stress how unreal porn is not just because it’s acted, but also because it’s people’s fantasies - and people might like things in fantasy that they don’t actually want or like in real life.

Female teenage porn addiction is something that never gets talked about, but it's unfortunately very common and sadly very difficult for the girls who have this problem to find anyone to talk about it with because of the social stigma attached to women viewing porn.