Ringing social services for my family

[gardenbeachsand]

Hi,
I dont want to get social services in but im losing my relationship with my son and im worried about his behaviour getting out of control.
He says he doesnt want counselling and they say it needs to be child led.

My 14 year old ds, whenever we have had arguments or hes been arguing with his sibling he texts his father and say hes not happy here and his father will pick him up and take him to his for a few days.

This has been happening for a year, my ds said that hes old enough to decide what house he wants to be in.
Although he is right, the reasons why hes going is the wrong reasons or time and my son is in control.

During arguments with his sibling he hits out then lies because he said his sibling lies and gets away with it. Then when i question it he texts his father and said he wants to leave.
During arguments with me he gets so angry hitting out, swearing and shouting all his feeling out about everything hes not happy with, when i try and talk and say he needs to calm down he puts his hands over his ears and says im not listening to you, so i say ok and i walk away he follows me shouting at me.
At points hes made me cry, ive really tried to hide my feelings but its got too much. He says im sad that ive made you cry but you thats how you make me feel.

He has said whenever someone hurts him he is going to hurt them 10 times worse as its better than being nice.

A few months ago i checked my sons phone looking for a screenshot he took for birthday present he wanted, while i had his phone i looked at his texts and i noticed worrying texts that was a safeguarding concern. So i reported it to the school. I feel my son was being bullied but the school spoke to both and said it was both sides.

Me and his father dont get on and we have been divorced 11 years.
I thought i was helping my son by talking to my ex and letting him go, and letting my ex know when my ds gets upset and try talking about situations that have ending in a argument but his father has said if he wants to go, i cant stop him and it will get worse as hes old enough to do what he wants.

Since his dad has been involved its got worse, and it seems that he gets treated when he goes. I have spoke to his father about this and he said thats just life for him.
He gets things from costa for breakfast and mcdonalds for dinner and goes football matches.

Also when hes there he texts me sending videos from tiktok saying i love/miss my mum extra
He also texts his sibling about wanting to play together on the playstation.
He also texts me asking me what im doing that day.

Sometimes i still feel cross at him for his behaviour because hes going to his fathers before we have made amends or talked about what hes said when hes angry.
When he comes back ive tried to talk to him and he says i didnt mean them things i was just angry and hes gone away to calm down and now if i raise anything he says im starting a argument again and he doesnt know why hes came back.

I can see a little scared boy but i cant get to him as hes pushing me away.
His dad is no help. I cant speak to him as sometimes i feel like going round in circles, he just says well hes not like that here.

And he says i dont treat him like a teenager, im too overprotective.

Hello. I am afraid I don’t have much advice but I didn’t want to read and then leave. It does sound like your DS needs to speak to a professional though. Does he have any additional needs? Just thinking if this is why he carries some anger. Does he have close friends? People he can go out with and let off steam?

Sorry, what is it you are looking for SS to do?

Just reading that I don't think ss are the right way to go and not sure how they could even help you. Have you looked at some community based supports in your area for teenagers.

This does not sound like a SS issue. You have an argumentative teenager, when he needs space he goes to his other parent where he is safe and looked after. When he has breathing space he makes contact and communicates with both you and his siblings.

It sounds like he needs counselling to address his anger and aggression and unpack the trauma left by bullying and the divorce but it's not a job for SS.

I'd let him go to his Dad's.

@user1493494961

I'd let him go to his Dad's.

I would too. At the moment he's playing you off against each other. Let him go and see if the grass really is greener.

@Shelby10

Hello. I am afraid I don’t have much advice but I didn’t want to read and then leave. It does sound like your DS needs to speak to a professional though. Does he have any additional needs? Just thinking if this is why he carries some anger. Does he have close friends? People he can go out with and let off steam?

No additional needs.

Hes only got close group of friends since he started secondary school

The bullying happened in with the group of friends but alot were just falling out with each other.
Last year happened so he couldnt mix with friend away from school.
Hes got one friend that invited him to a sleepover over the holidays but then his friend got ill with covid.

I think the problem is you feel his Dad just picking him up undermines you. You really could do with both being on the same page.
I would see about the possibility of him staying at his Dad long term for a few months see if the break helps.
Alternatively allow him to go to his Dads when he wants but have another way of consequences for behaviour at home perhaps pocket money based so you don't feel undermined.
Also look at therapeutic parenting which is the opposite of instilling consequences, you still have boundaries but consequences are natural ones rather than punitive. This along with lovebombing can really help rebuild troubled relationships.

Try looking into therapeutic parenting techniques, like PACE.

I agree it isn't really a SS issue. He clearly loves you and wants a relationship with you and his siblings, but needs help regulating emotions. You're perceptively recognising the scared little boy behind the aggression, and that's the key to it all.

You getting involved as tensions rise seems to just be heaping on pressure from his POV - even though from yours it's probably more like talking things through. But emotional needs aren't usually solved with thinking solutions, they need to be matched with emotional solutions.

I'd ignore the situation with your ex, as long as you provide a strong and stable base relationship with him everything else doesn't matter.

This doesn't sound like a social services situation, it sounds like a young teen who isn't quite fitting in at home (not uncommon). His dad is treating him well so why not split his time more or live the majority of his time at his dads? Family therapy might be a good idea but ideally you need to sit down with your ex and come up with a shared parenting plan

thank you for your replies.

A friend said i should ring them, as she said it sounds like my ex is using his behaviour to get back at me.

I tried to speak to other people but they say they wont help as my son doesnt want it.

My son has said hes spoken to his dad and his dad has said if he moves to his dads he will move school, as we live 30 mins away and my son doesnt want too and also my son said hes loves me.
My son told me this.

Reach out to Social Services for what though?

@BingBongToTheMoon

Reach out to Social Services for what though?

A friend suggested it.

There is literally nothing social service worthy in this situation. It doesn't sound like your ex is doing anything it her than being a father.

It sounds like he's happier with his dad, and your relationship with him is better when he's with his dad.

In your position I would let him move in with his dad and have very regular contact.

You are not doing anything wrong, you are understandably upset that Ds is running out to exH when he needs to apologise. There is no quick fix with immaturity and with teens who have difficulty controlling emotions. It sounds like Ds is already able to see that he has a great mum, and so lovely that he told you he loves you. But it will take time until DS matures enough for him to show the responsibility and respect that he needs to show, in the heat of an argument, through keeping respectful and agreeing to talk later and negotiate calmly

I teach at secondary, it's not unknown for students, particularly male ones in Yr 9-10 to move schools as they have moved in with their other parent. We always have a few in each year, perhaps they prefer living with their male parent, perhaps they prefer the quiet and not living with younger siblings 24/7, perhaps they just prefer the area that the other parent lives in and quite often mum has a new partner and they butt heads. As long as your DS is safe and looked after, despite your feelings about the situation and your relationship with dad then he should be where he wants to be. If he wants to live there Mon-Friday then it makes sense to change schools.

What you need to do is keep the lines of communication open and let him know he always has a home with you.

Sounds stressful but definitely not a SS job. They're incredibly stretched at the moment helping children without even one capable parent never mind two.

I think let him go to his dad's... chances are he'll come back when the grass isn't greener as he seems to be doing.

I agree with PP this doesn't sound uncommon given his age and sex

Let himmove in with dad and change school if needs be.
Keep contact and insisthe sees you every week
If dad wants to buy him costa so be it

If there has been bullying a new school might be positive

Let go of thinking everything ex does is about you

thank you.

My ds has said if i let him live with his dad it will just prove that i dont love him. I said thats not the case. i thought thats what he wanted.

I want to fix my relationship with him and i feel that if i let him live with his dad ive let him down.

Lots of good advice on here.

My daughter went through a very similar patch. Extremely angry, hitting out, hurting me, swearing, shouting, damaging things, punching holes in walls, running away and eventually taking an overdose.

She was also totally against counselling and wouldn't engage with CAMHS.

I contacted SS early help team and explained the issues we were going through.

They assigned us a Barnados key worker. She worked with her for 12 weeks before lockdown, talked to her and taught her many anger management techniques. She gave her the confidence to tell us that she was TG (she was born male) and that was why she was feeling so mixed up and anxious and angry. I honestly don't think we would have got through that period without their help.

Early help are there to help you when you are going through things like this. I've never regretted ringing them.

He’s spitting his dummy out to punish you. So if he’s angry with you he can go to his dad. If you won’t take him back he will then say that you don’t want him. It’s a vicious circle. Have your boundaries in your house and if he doesn’t like them let him go to his dads but say to him. If you want to go to your dads it is your choice, you are choosing to go I will see you when you want to return. ( don’t plan for him to be picked up or drop him off let him sort that). I’m saying this as a parent who’s son kept running to his grandmas and then he felt rejected by me as I never told him it was his choice, he’s 25 now and still says he felt rejected. He texts you to ask about your day to see if he’s been rejected as he would know that he has left in anger. Reply to him and let him know that is his way of reaching out. If you can read the book blame my brain (the amazing teenage brain revealed).

Hi, I have recently split up from a girl I was with for 5 months, she has 10 year old and 14 year boys. Throughout the relationship she has cancelled last minute including when meeting my parents, my birthday Christmas and valentines. From very early on I stupidly lent money (£400 in a month and a half) I did get this back but not when promised and with lots of fall out. From very early on she told me she has being in a domestically abusive relationship prior to me, when I’ve been to her house it is dirty and the untidiest house I have stepped foot in, there are holes in walls all over the house, no bathroom door and both kids stay up till early hours through the week. I was always supportive, found out early on she has liver cirrhosis through drink but had told she’d stopped drinking.. I believe that the cancelling last minute is her drinking again she also regularly goes off the radar and is not contactable for days at times. I will eventually message her 14 year old asking if mum is ok, he will tell me she’s not being feeling herself and I’ll ring me soon.. then it’ll be a day later. Eldest son suffers from panic attacks is very nervous and guarded, she has told me this is because she witnessed his dad being abusive to her. Recently there has being an occasion where a lady I do not know but worked with both me and my ex(who I’m talking about) has contacted me chasing money from my ex, eventually I found out she owes over £8000 to this lady, I have being sent screen shots between them and my ex has lied about selling the house waiting for the sale to go through and needing the money for beds etc for her boys new house and would pay the lady back. The money had being lent since July last year… I’ve recently found out through another mutual friend that my ex has being addicted to and ordering cocaine which I believe is where the money goes. She has advised me social services are involved and the kids are on child protection as a result of how often she lets them stay off school (not sure if they are involved) I don’t know if I should ring social services and ask to speak with the social worker or just stay out of it as I have my own son who I’m in a custody battle over and lives with me and whilst I haven’t done anything wrong I worry about potential repercussions, any advice?

Tebbs, that sounds like an awful environment for children. I would call social services and talk to them, yes.