14 year old ruling the roost

[Poppies23]

For context, 14 year old ds is on the Autistic spectrum.
His dad and I are divorced. Ds refuses to go to his house on his set weekends as he doesn’t like moving between houses.
This Summer hol, he had refused to go anywhere or even leave the house. This has made going anywhere as a family very difficult for me.
His dad was due to have him and his siblings for two weeks to allow me a break, day 1, he created such a fuss that ExH brought him back home.

I did manage to get away for a few hours at the weekend, leaving him at home. He unplugged and boxed up the family computer and printer as it was on a desk in his bedroom (he has a large room. I’m told that if I want to use it from now on or his siblings do, I need to set it all up somewhere else. His siblings don’t have the space for it in their rooms. I also need the printer when working at home. ExH is not helping him see sense and just told me to set it up somewhere else.

Ds is also now washing his own clothes and won’t allow them to be washed with others.
Talking and trying to reason with him doesn’t help, he just belittles or swears at me.

I know that teenagers can be tricky but I’m struggling to manage this.

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. Does the ExH not see that there's a problem in DS not wanting to stay with him as planned? Remember the ex isn't due to have them for you to have a break, he needs to parent too.
The clothes washing can be interpreted two ways. On one hand, it's good that he's independent but it also sounds like he is quite rigid, wanting control. Could be typical teenage stuff? You say he hasn't left the house this summer. Has he got friends?
Sending you a hug x

Sorry, just saw that he is ASD. Are there are support groups in your area? We have a parent partnership that parents can contact x

Are there some obsessional behaviours emerging here that are beyond his usual ASD presentation? What is the reason behind the clothes washing? I'm wondering is there any possible signs of OCD? Regardless of that, the controlling thing and staying inside suggests anxiety? How is he usually?

@emmypems

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. Does the ExH not see that there's a problem in DS not wanting to stay with him as planned? Remember the ex isn't due to have them for you to have a break, he needs to parent too. The clothes washing can be interpreted two ways. On one hand, it's good that he's independent but it also sounds like he is quite rigid, wanting control. Could be typical teenage stuff? You say he hasn't left the house this summer. Has he got friends? Sending you a hug x

ExH unfortunately just thinks that’s the way he just is and very unhelpfully thinks it’s up to me to make him go. He only has a couple of close friends but this Summer has only communicated with them online (I think...he is very secretive with his online activity). He says himself he can’t wait to get back to school and that I understand as he needs his routine, He is very rigid but I think it’s very unhealthy not to get any fresh air or exercise, There are no support groups as such that are currently in operation. It is hard work, he won’t help with a single chore and won’t take anyone else into consideration at all. He’s trying to assert control over me and thinks that it’s ok to do so.

And thank you for the hug, much needed! X

@GoWalkabout

Are there some obsessional behaviours emerging here that are beyond his usual ASD presentation? What is the reason behind the clothes washing? I'm wondering is there any possible signs of OCD? Regardless of that, the controlling thing and staying inside suggests anxiety? How is he usually?

He thinks that his clothes must be washed exactly as per instructions on the labels but doesn’t like the feel of them when washed with fabric conditioner etc. So sometimes, I have not used any but he just doesn’t like the family washing in with his. He could well be anxious, lockdown was difficult for him but he feels safe and comfortable in his bed. He would often go to school then climb into bed as soon as he arrived home. I get that home is his safe place but I worry about his lack of social skills and get frustrated that I’m getting nowhere despite coaxing.

Please be aware that his behaviour could tip into being abusive towards you and where is your line in the sand? At some point would you be prepared that he needs to live with his Dad to protect you and his siblings from his control?

@RandomMess

Please be aware that his behaviour could tip into being abusive towards you and where is your line in the sand? At some point would you be prepared that he needs to live with his Dad to protect you and his siblings from his control?

We had an episode during lockdown, where he was physical towards me. Just once. His dad was useless and simply told him that he shouldn’t have done it, I reached out for support via school and a police liaison officer, attached to the school, and family link worker were allocated, DS refused to engage with either so some support was withdrawn. Thankfully it did not happen again but he is absolutely aware that I will phone the police should it happen again.

I have two 14 Yr olds and have to say I can imagine them doing these things. One very particular, and would fuss about how his clothes are washed, the other refuses to come out with us and both would not want family possessions in their room, maybe reasonable to want his own space to be kept private? (my boys would also have gone about it in an unhelpful and annoying way). To be honest it sounds like fairly typical thoughtless teenage behaviour.

The printer thing is reasonable I think, it’s basically giving everyone access to his room, so he has no private space.

The washing I’d let him crack on, not a battle I could be bothered with.

The issue I think needs focus is him going to his dads so you get a break. Can you book a holiday and leave dad in your house? Not ideal I know, but at least you get a decent break away from it all, and it may familiarise him with dad enough to feel secure enough to go to his next time.

My 13 yo is also stubborn, won’t help with housework. They wouldn’t tolerate people in and out of their room to access a computer/printer.

It sounds really difficult and I think it's completely unacceptable that he's swearing at and belittling you, no matter how he feels about these things.

One little thing stood out to me though, and it's the computer issue. I'm autistic and as a teenager my room was the place I'd go to to calm down if overwhelmed- with sensory things, socialising, or emotionally. I wouldn't have been able to relax that way if a sibling was in there using a computer or someone was popping in and out getting printouts - or even if there was the possibility that they might be, and I wouldn't be able to tell them not to. It wouldn't feel like my private space any longer. So I don't think he's being unreasonable about wanting it set up somewhere else.

His dad was due to have him and his siblings for two weeks to allow me a break, day 1, he created such a fuss that ExH brought him back home

So your ex can simply choose to opt out of parenting his child because it was difficult and you get no break whatsoever?

Could he swap rooms with one of his siblings who wouldn't mind having the family computer in their bedroom?

Sound tough, I’ve picked up on the Autistic spectrum and a few things worth a try. Sounds silly but visuals, a calendar clearly marked way in advance when he is going to his dads house, some Autistic children need the visual to prepare. This could also be tweaked to when you want him to wash his clothes so it doesn’t interrupt with you using the washing machine. Does he have a special interest? You could plan a day involving this interest, research it and give him a rundown of what to expect. With the shouting, swearing etc I’d write down what you won’t tolerate and why and what will happen from now on if he does this eg. Shorten time he has doing something he likes. May not work but the free workshops for parents of autistic parents give a great insight and tips. Good luck

Thank you everyone. Your advice has been both very helpful and supportive. Some things I hadn’t even considered about how the computer and printer being in his room might upset his routine with his siblings coming in so I can see his point there now, I’ve asked him today if he would like to swap rooms with his brother, but it’s a flat no I’m afraid, But I’ll ask again in a few days once he’s had time to process the idea.
I’ve previously tried writing down what I won’t tolerate with him. It didn’t work before but I will try again. Small steps.
It’s so easy for his dad just opting out when ds is being difficult, if two parents don’t sing from the same hymn sheet then it becomes very tricky!

With the bedroom you give him the choice I guess.

The printer has to go in that room you can have it as your room or swap your choice.

@Poppies23

I empathise with you. My DD (14- Adhd and depression/ anxiety diagnosis but awaiting CAMHS ASD assessment) had refused to go to her Dad's for 8 months before she was on ADs things got very low indeed and she was v fragile so we / I didn't push it as it wasn't the right time.

Things are better now but she still hasn't gone and I was / am still desperate to get away for a mental health/ responsibility Break and I started to wonder whether she could actually go to his now as it has felt recently like it's been more of a 'I don't fancy it' rather than 'I can't' due to anxiety as it definitely was before.

Anyway I planned a trip to my mum's in order to force the issue a bit and see what happened. I'm only 2 hours away if it all goes wrong. I have suggested she does 2 nights there and then we review. Her dad is absolutely the kind of person who would come running too if I was home so it's with him in mind I went 2 hours away too! It's always me that picks everything up as it sounds you do too. (As if we wouldn't!) I'm on the train almost there now with no calls from either of them yet so let's see!

Is this an option for you? I know it sounds extreme but I had a reason planned why she couldn't come with me (that involved an elderly family member)

Good luck and if you can get a bit devious as long as it's not going to cause lots of angst.